Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Once Upon a Time” SnapCap (1.11) — Guess who’s a Parseltongue?

Would you look at that: The Evil Queen finally got herself a backstory that didn’t involve ripping out her own father’s heart with her bare hands. I mean, sure, it involved unleashing some poisonous vipers on her beloved husband. But still. At least her motivation was a little more complex this time around. And I’m never going to complain about watching Lana Parilla skulk around in her Fairyville clothes.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

For a show that used Ginnifer Goodwin as one of its main selling points, there’s sure been a dearth of her gorgeous face in recent weeks. And when we do get a glimpse at her, she’s basically just swooning at or scowling about that old cad, Prince Charming. I need to see her interacting with Emma or Regina or Red more. And I need to see that soon. I grow weary of her hapless adultery!

But, like I said, the Evil Queen is looking mighty fine these days.

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS

At this point, my number one feeling about Once Upon a Time is that it needs to embrace its absurdity and just take us to a place of high camp. Something like the Chuck formula from seasons two and three. Because, honestly, the CGI is way too shitty and the dialogue is way too clunky and the plots — especially in Storybrooke, which totally seems backwards — are way too convoluted for this show to take itself seriously. But if it embraced the lunacy, it would be a ridiculously fun way to spend an hour on a Sunday night. Like, you know the part where Genie and King Toby Ziegler are walking in front of a shoddy green screen rendering of two Greek columns and Genie goes, “This is a magnificent castle!” That should be played for a joke. Not an actual line of dialogue.

BREADCRUMB TRAIL

One thing I really enjoyed about this week’s episode is that it turned the Agrabah legend on its head. That blue fella from Aladdin is the guy inside the Evil Queen’s magic mirror. And you know why? Because he was wished free, but then he used the lamp’s final wish to make the insane request that he’d never have to leave Evil Queen’s side. And so magic bound him to her mirror. Ha! What I can’t figure out, though, is if EQ had Snow White’s dad killed because she really was consumed with an inferiority complex, or if she was just an opportunistic bitch who wanted the castle all to herself. Maybe we’re not supposed to know. Or maybe the writing was just lazy. WHO CAN SAY?

I AM THE SWAN QUEEN

You know that old adage “Writing another letter to say it’s over is just another way to say it’s still going on”? That’s what I feel like every time Regina and Emma start slapping each other around about Henry. How many times now have they had the conversation where Regina goes, “Stay away from my son, or else!” And Emma’s like, “I cannot and I never shall!” And Regina is like, “Then I shall call down my full wrath upon you!” And Emma goes, “By all means, wrath away!” And on and on and on for a thousand years. If Regina really wanted Emma to go away, wouldn’t she, like, have her arrested for her various crimes? Or hire someone to keep watch over her son, instead of letting him frolic up and down the Maine coast at his leisure? The only thing I can conclude is that Regina just wants to make Emma work for it, you know? Really dig deep and show just how much their little family means to her.

Or, again: lazy writing. But I like the first option better.

What did you think of “Fruit of the Poisonous Tree”?

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