“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.17) – “Dance, you little bastards!”

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, one twin child stabbed another twin child in the heart because of an argument about a Cabbage Patch Doll or something. Or perhaps that was only a story Alison told on the Halloween that she got murdered the first of many times. Also on that Halloween Alison was blackmailed by someone named “A,” who has now whittled the population of Rosewood down to about ten residents. Four of those residents recently nicked “A”‘s cell phone, and handed it over to a gay hobo named Caleb for some of his patented telecommunications sorcery.

The Liars have gathered together in Spencer’s kitchen to see what kind of stuff Caleb was able to recover from A’s cryptographic cell phone. Hanna is acting ferrety about handing over the flash drive because as soon as she does, the sniper outside Lucas’ bedroom window will put a bullet right through Caleb’s brain helmet. Spencer is pawing at the floor and running in circles on all fours around the room and salivating like a rabid thing and finally she just grabs the drive out of Hanna’s hand with a snort. What Caleb has uncovered is that one porno again, the one from the midnight showing in Rosewood Cemetery. But also a video of Ian and Garrett and JennaBot digging through Alison’s things and bitching about why Jason hasn’t joined them to root around in his sister’s bedroom. Spencer just drools all over the keyboard and barks “NAT CLUB! NAT CLUB! NAT CLUB!” over and over until Emily is forced to tranq her.

A mild sedative would not work on Spencer, of course, due to the concentration of caffeine she intakes on an hourly basis, so Emily has to use one of those tranquilizers like from the wild. The kind scientists use to knock over elephants. She hauls Spencer up to her room, tucks her into bed, and then sits by the window waiting for Toby to do his morning Shakespearean monologue. It used to really get Spencer going; not the part about how Juliet is so bright and beautiful, but the part about, “Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon!” Obviously that is half of Spencer’s entire deal. Today, Emily answers Spencer’s phone and explains that she can’t chat with Toby due to the opiate-based narcotics coursing through her veins. Toby’s like, “It’s getting harder for me to believe these anecdotes, but OK. I’ll just leave this rocking chair in the pile with all the other rocking chairs and get my tools and go.”

Poor ol’ Boo. Back when he tried to murder Emily at the prom and then dumped her body out at the hospital, I never knew how much I’d end up loving him.

Rosewood High Courtyard. Hanna is, frankly, a little miffed at the ease with which the other Liars are willing to sacrifice her boyfriend as a burnt offering to “A.” Spencer is miffed too, but mostly at herself for the way she keeps making Toby cry in haunted alleys. Aria tries to listen, she really does, but it’s been about three hours since anyone has mentioned Ezra and if her friends won’t bring him up, she’ll just have to do it herself. Emily says maybe he needs some time. And, look, I know I make up a lot of stuff in these recaps, but I just need to be sure you know that this next thing out of Aria’s mouth are the words as penned by the writers of this show. And those words are, “I gave him time. Him sneaking out of the theater? That was time. Now I just really want some answers.”

Aria, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Have you been attacked by Serena van der Woodsen? Did she bite you in the neck and inflict you with Hubristic Verbal Discombobulation? Ten minutes is plenty of time for him to answer me about whether or not I’m worth a lifetime in prison!

Anyway, Holden wanders in looking like everybody’s third-favorite gay guy on this show, and all the Liars start chirping “Gay! Gay! Gay!” But Aria catches him checking out a girl’s ass like a dude from an Axe Body Spray commercial, so she’s just going to keep on thinking he’s straight. (A couple of you #BooRadleyVanCulen guys think he’s Maya’s stalker! Good sleuthing if that turns out to be true! I mean, it’s certainly interesting that the only other black student this show has ever given us is the girl who just walked by and got perved on by Holden.) Aria and Holden make a date to have an imaginary date. 

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