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“Glee” Episode 310 Recap: We Found Love in a Swimming Pool

Ten minutes into Glee‘s first episode since abandoning us to a month-long post-holiday hiatus, I was tentatively optimistic.

The Tumblrati had made it clear to me that we would not be seeing much of our darling queer little Brittana and Klaine in this episode (although I was hopeful about the all-girl rendition of “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”) so the bar for my expectations of homo-liciousness was set very, very low.

And although lately everything to do with Will Schuester has been boring me, I always liked him and Emma, and this seemed to be a Wemma-centric episode.

Minute eleven, however, crapped all over that. (Note: all time measurements in this recap are gross approximations. I don’t actually time-stamp the show. Really, capturing all this word-for-word dialogue is hard enough.) So let’s linger in the first ten minutes as long as possible.

They began with the scene that made me ship Sam and Mercedes: The New Directions performing an homage to Grease with their rendition of “Summer Nights” (which I always thought was called “Tell Me More”).

I have no idea what kind of deal Chord Overstreet made with Ryan Murphy to come back to Glee, but clearly it involved re-vamping his character. I used to find him cute and sincere but a little annoying, but now he’s just charming and funny and seriously, I really like him a lot. It reminds me of how he was in the very beginning, when he refused to back out on singing a duet with Kurt even when Finn told him it would ruin his reputation, only with a sense of humor. Me gusta.

Anyway, while Mercedes regales Kurt and the glee girls with her side of the “Summer Lovin'” story, Sam, up in the bleachers, shares his with the guys (you know, it just struck me Blaine is with the guys. For some reason that seems strange to me). But first, Puck kisses his hand. I don’t know why, but I stole this off Tumblr so you’d know I was not lying:

Anyway, I have never seen Grease so I’m sure there are all kinds of cute Grease tie-ins and inside jokes that I missed, so please feel free to post them in the comments. I’m also sure someone will scold me for not spending an hour on Wikipedia figuring it all out, but I made a vow not to stay up until 3 AM writing this recap ever again. Also, Wikipedia is closed right now because they are trying to take the Internet away from us.

Next, we see Becky Jackson striding down the hall of McKinley High in her Cheerios uniform, doing this episode’s voice over in the voice of Helen Mirren.

“I, Becky Faye Jackson am the hottest bitch at McKinley High School,” she thinks. “I’m not only co-captain of the Cheerios, I’m president of the perfect attendance club and I’ve won a participation award in rhythm gymnastics.

“You may be wondering why I sound like the Queen of England. It’s simple: In my mind I can sound like whomever I want, so lay off, haters.” (I could so hear Becky say this in her own voice.”)

She continues, “Okay, let’s get reals. I could easily snag any dude east of the Mississippi, but I’m extremely picky. For instance, Rory grins too much; he looks like an insane person. Is that a Mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No Chang-do; I’m no rice queen.” (Totally could have lived without that little bit of offensiveness.)\

Then she spots Artie, and thinks, “Now that’s more like it! Sweet, sexy and handicapable like me, with a voice as velvety as my favorite Sunday church dress. It’s decided: Artie Abrams, you’re my new boyfriend.”

I went back and forth about Helen Mirren being Becky’s internal voice. I mean, it’s Helen Mirren, and who could not love that? But I kind of like Becky’s own voice, and no one else has an alter-ego, so why does Becky, the girl who just wants to be like everyone else? Plus I always dreamed Helen Mirren would be on the show and now if she was, it would be really confusing. “Is she speaking? Or is Becky thinking?”

Becky goes to Sue for advice on how to catch Artie, and although Sue thinks she could do better, and wonders “What happened to Jason, that cute boy you took to the prom?”, she does advise her to ask Artie out if that’s what she wants to do.

Later, in the teacher’s lounge, Sue (and we) find out that Coach Beiste and Cooter eloped during the hiatus. Sue seems shocked, and says that must be why he hasn’t returned her calls for weeks.

She is gracious in defeat. “Well, Michael Chiklis in a wig, I would like to offer my congratulations. I’ve been bested. I guess it’s time to call Boreanaz.”

Shannon’s wedding makes Emma sad, because she thinks Will won’t ever ask her to be his wife. Sue has no time for this old-fashioned attitude, and encourages her to ask him. Emma sings a fantasy version of the Laura Nyro song “Wedding Bell Blues” (popularized by The Fifth Dimension), with Sue and Shannon singing backup, Sue in the freaky hat Princess Beatrice wore to Kate Middleton’s wedding.

Then the dream sequence ends and it turns out our Emma has actually proposed to Will in front of the entire teacher’s lounge; she flees.

Will, of course, immediately tells his Glee kids that he’s going to propose to Emma, and enlists their help. Because that would happen.

Quinn, in her one single line of the night, says, “We totally don’t think you’ll screw it up this time.” Oh Quinn. So naïve.

Will also tells them he’s going to ask Emma’s parents’ permission before he proposes. You know, her crazy, abusive, racist parents who he yelled at and threw out of the house?

Sam, clearly inspired by telling the Glee guys (minus Kurt) about his summer of love with Mercedes, comes up to her at her locker and tries again. She says no — again — and he asks if it’s because he’s white.

“Are you insane?” she responds.

Then he decides it’s because he doesn’t have a letterman jacket. Really, Sam? That’s what you think?

He also reminds her of the carnival and tilt-o-whirl, and gets her to smile. But she still tells him no and says she’s staying with Shane.

Artie rolls up to Sugar and asks her out — I didn’t see that coming, but she tells him no, not because he’s disabled but because she’s “abled,” and his legs are thinner than her arms. Or something. I didn’t understand this whole thing, actually, unless we were supposed to feel something about Artie and Becky? Perhaps I’m just not giving the opposite-sex couples on this show my full attention.

Anyway, that’s when Becky races over to Artie and asks him out, per Sue’s advice. He’s shocked, and we don’t see how he responds.

No, we see Sam asking Coach Beiste if there’s some sport he can play that will earn him the letterman jacket he’s sure will win Mercedes’ heart.

Turns out there’s just one: synchronized swimming. Such is Sam’s love for Mercedes that he signs up. He has to pick an “aquatic-themed” nickname, so of course, he chooses “Trouty Mouth.”

In a scene where Sam’s physical resemblance to Queer as Folk‘s Justin Taylor becomes even more overwhelming, we meet the swim coach, Coach Roz (NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives of Atlanta).

“Sam Evans, you are one weird looking kid,” she announces. “I have never seen lips like that on a white boy. And one of your nipples is higher than the other. You must have had to overcome a lot with them crooked nipples.”

Sam wraps his arms around his chest, and a thousand AfterElton readers cry out in protest.

Finn, however, is not supportive of Sam’s watery game plan. “Dude,” he tells him in the hallway afterward, “Synchronized swimming and Glee? That must be some kind of weird death wish.”

“Swimming is sexy!” objects Sam.

“Not if it’s synchronized,” Finn tells him. Because Finn is the expert on what makes a guy sexy. I guarantee, if this plan works, it will have very little to do with the letterman jacket and everything to do with how Sam looks in his swim trunks.

Unfortunately, just then Sam gets slushied.

Fortunately, Mercedes is there to wipe it off.

Unfortunately, so is Shane, so she scurries off, leaving Sam still dripping with red glop. We have no idea who Shane is or what their relationship is like, but at that moment, I learned that I hate him.

Now, the next scene is set in the auditorium. It’s the Glee guys pitching a proposal scenario to Will, based on what Artie calls his “rock star hips.” Which means Will dances with the kids, something that always makes me a little squicked. They do a mash-up of Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger” and The Rolling Stones’ “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.”

The long glittery scarves were so distracting I really can’t say how the number was. But I don’t think it was proposal territory, guys. Sorry.\

Becky, however, loved it, and informed Artie they were having dinner at Breadstix. This won’t end well, will it?

Will and, for some reason I don’t understand, Finn, are at Diamond Basement, shopping for Emma’s engagement ring. Will asks Finn to be his best man. “You taught me more about being a man than anyone I know.”

Because Will is pathetic and has no adult friends? I have no idea. This really freaks me out. Although not as much as what Finn says next freaks Will out: he’s considering enlisting in the army, like his war hero dad.

The next day, the girls take their turn, singing a beautiful rendition of Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.” Rachel, Tina, Mercedes, and Santana sing both solo and together, and it’s really stunning. So is Rachel’s dress.

As they sing, each girl remembers a “first” she shared with her true love: Rachel, of course, sees Finn in her mind. Tina remembers a picnic with Mike. Santana thinks of Brittany, in the most-rewound ten seconds in lesbian television history, and Mercedes thinks of… Sam.

The song is not just beautiful, it’s very moving, and while Will is still applauding, Mercedes runs out in tears.

The other girls follow her to the rest room, and she confesses she still has feelings for Sam. “Just take it slow and follow your heart,” Rachel tells her.

That evening, Will has Emma’s parents over. While he’s making “decaf chamomile tea” for her mother, she wonders why their Christmas tree is still up in mid-January.

“Just be grateful Comrade Obama still allows Christmas,” Emma’s father says.

Will makes his pitch, and they refuse to give their blessing to his marriage because Emma is too sick to handle marriage and children. Which doesn’t surprise me. What surprises me is that Will seems to agree with them.

In the choir room, the Glee kids confront Artie about leading Becky on, because they don’t want her to get hurt — except Santana, who says, “I’m not. I know her. This girl’s a sly, conniving bitch.” Santana Lopez, keeping it real.

But Artie doesn’t accept the Becky-vention. “You guys talk about how it’s okay to be different, how it’s what’s inside you that counts. But I think you’re just as narrow-minded as everyone else in this school.

“I like Becky. She knows what it’s like to be trapped by a disability. She doesn’t care what people think of her. She’s really optimistic about life, which is amazing considering what life’s handed her.”

Then he rolls out, leaving his silent friends behind.

Some time later, Finn goes into a classroom and finds his parents, Will, and Emma there. This is yet another disturbing scene.

Will has violated Finn’s confidence and told his parents he wants to join the army and emulate his father. So Burt and Carol break the news to Finn that his father wasn’t an army hero; he came home from Iraq with a drug problem and died of an overdose.

The whole thing just seemed off to me. Why would they tell him this? Did Will know? How? Couldn’t they have discouraged Finn from joining the army some other way? And what was up with Burt saying he was counting on Finn to run the tire shop while he was in Washington? That seems like an awfully big burden to put on a teenager.

Of course, Finn is devastated. And I did feel sympathy for him, but I also wondered if, when he was upset that Will had violated his confidence, he thought for two seconds about what he’d put Santana through when he outed her.

Out in the hallway, Becky tells Artie she wants to have sex with him, and texts him a suggestive photo of herself. He goes to Sue for advice, and she’s blunt.

“You dated Brittany,” she says. “I’m sure she sent you titillating photos. That freak you out too?”

Artie objects that was different, but Sue presses him to admit he doesn’t want to date Becky. “Here’s an idea,” she says. “Why don’t you treat her like a real person, and tell her? Becky just wants to be treated like everybody else. You of all people should know that. So why don’t you just tell her the truth so she can move on and date someone who doesn’t sound like one of the those weird puppets they bring to the middle schools to teach the kids about sexual predators.”

She also tells him to lose the gloves: “It’s a wheelchair, not a Porsche.”

“Is that all, coach?” he asks.

“Stop buttoning your shirts up all the way like a demented 90-year-old. You look like you’re auditioning for the lead in your nursing-home production of Awakenings,” she says.

At Will and Emma’s apartment, Emma finally asks Will why he hasn’t asked her to marry him, and he raises all the same issues her racist nasty parents raised, about how life is messy and kids are messy and she hates mess. And how she may be too sick for them to be together.

And Emma cries and defends herself, but then she lifts her chin and says, “Can I promise you I’m going to get better? No. This is what you get. This incomplete person with toothbrushes and with rubber gloves, and with so much love for you.”

Will, I hate you so much right now.

At Breadstix, Finn is having a pity party, and Kurt wants in.

Rachel’s there, too, and she and Kurt lament that they won’t be getting into NYADA.

“I have as much chance of that as of playing Stanley in Streetcar,” he says despondently.

Rachel’s equally pessimistic, because Principal Figgins put a note about her suspension for election fraud on her application.

Kurt waves down the waitress. “I’m getting a whole cheesecake.”

We also get a little exposition about NYADA: Seems letters have been going out, notifying finalists, and neither Kurt nor Rachel has received one.

“The future used to be such an abstract idea,” Kurt says. “The dream was enough, you know. And now the future has the nerve to show up, and it’s expecting us to do something, and it’s not interested in giving a lending hand.” He frowns. “Make that two cheesecakes.”

Then Finn starts talking about how he never has anything special in his life, that means anything. And he says this right to Rachel. And instead of stalking off, she gets all soft and sad and sings “Without You” to him.

I can’t stand the idea that anyone is not complete without someone else. I think we should have hopes and dreams unrelated to pairing up with anyone. And how much more true is that for Rachel, who really is a star? I just felt the interaction during this song was not healthy for them, and it didn’t feel sweet or romantic to me for that reason.

There was something else that disturbed me. Santana and Brittany are holding hands while Rachel sings, which is sweet.

And at one point, Blaine leans over to give a kiss to Kurt, although it’s off-camera. And that’s sweet, too.

Except when the song’s over, Rachel and Finn suck each other’s tonsils out of their mouths. And once again, the double standard for affection between the same-sex and opposite sex couples on the show slaps me in the face.

It’s not about what couples you like; it’s about parity and visibility. And I’d like some, please.

Also: Rachel really can sing, can’t she?

Santana even agrees, saying she nailed the song and the assignment — “Oh, wait. Was the assignment to make it all about Rachel Berry?”

Will says he still has to think about which of the songs the students did that week are right for Emma’s proposal, but it’s clear he’s having second thoughts. Sam comes up to him outside the classroom, though, and says he has a plan.

And a grand plan it is. Will leads Emma down the hall, and everyone they pass hands her a white rose — even Sue. Then they go to the pool, where the synchronized swimming team and the Glee Club do a great big old-fashioned number to Rihanna’s “We Found Love.” Rachel and Santana, who look achingly beautiful in old-fashioned swim suits with white flowers in their hair, sing lead, and everyone performs in the pool.

Toward the end, Will walks across the water in a white tux, only to dive in and swim to Emma. He makes a beautiful speech, shows her the ring he bought, and asks her to be his wife. She says yes, and the Glee kids applaud and hug while watching from the pool.

Okay, maybe I’m a little bit romantic after all.

Later, Artie mans up and tells Becky he isn’t interested in dating her. She acts like it’s no big deal, but as she walks off, Helen Mirren’s voice returns, and says, “I didn’t ask him what I wanted to ask him. I didn’t ask if the reason he didn’t want to be my boyfriend was because I have Down’s. I didn’t ask him because I know the answer is yes. Some days it sucks being me. This is one of those days. Focus, Becky. Don’t let them see you cry.”

She goes to Sue, who is wonderful. She tells Becky they both were dumped that week, digs out the ice cream, and turns on the Lifetime movie channel. The two of them sit there holding hands, and Sue tells her, “We’ll get through this together.”

I wish that had been the end, but unfortunately, we get Finn asking Rachel to marry him. He even bought a ring.

Rachel doesn’t answer, and we’re left with a cliffhanger and no Glee for two weeks. If the powers behind the show want to know what the fans think, it’s worth pointing out that a post saying #SayNoRachel had 189,663,266 likes and re-blogs on Tumblr before the show even aired in California.

See you in two weeks — and sorry I didn’t get the #kurtrules and #gaysharks Tweets this week. It’s 3 AM. So much for vows.

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