“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.15) – Dysfunction Junction, What’s Your Function?

One of the best things about Pretty Little Liars is how it’s not just a show I watch on Monday night; it’s a whole Monday night experience. For starters, it takes me at least two hours to get through an episode because I am always pausing it to giggle and clap and watch Spencer’s face do the things it does in slow motion. Also, my roommate doesn’t watch it very often, which means she only knows the things I tell her, so when she’s watching it with me — like Monday night — she’s constantly interrupting to be like, “I thought you said there were werewolves.” “Where are the zombies?” “Is that blind Hitler robot not in tonight’s episode?” (“Yes. She’s in the limo. Maybe she is the limo.” “She’s a Transformer?” “Obviously. God. Pay attention.”)

But then when it’s over, I’m off to Twitter to read the always amazing #BooRadleyVanCullen tweets, and then the Twitters of the show’s creative team because it’s fun to watch the pros love a thing as much as the fans. Lately my favorite part of my post-PLL euphoria is Nia Peeples‘ tweets. Because she’s seeing the episodes for the first time, so she’s tweeting her reactions like a fan, but also she’s tweeting them like she’s actually Pam Fields. Like if Pam Fields has been kidnapped by A and is being held hostage in some attic in Texas with Dr. Sullivan and Mrs. Hastings and Coachprah, and every week “A” shows them a video of the various ways she’s getting homicidal on the Liars’ asses.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, A’s cell phone fell out of his/her pocket when, in a grand show of cosmic comeuppance, Hanna hit him/her with a car.

Six seconds later this episode starts, which is awesome because usually everything ends like a deathtrap from Adam West‘s Batman, and then the next Monday the girls are all cuddly and shiny in Spencer’s bedroom talking about, “It sure was a good thing you had that shark repellent in your pocket, Aria!” Which: Obviously Aria would have shark repellent in her pocket; half the time her purse is an actual shark on a leash. She just tucks her lipstick and cell phone into his mouth and hoists him over her shoulder and calls it a regular accessory day.

Emily and Spencer want to talk about the various ways they can use A’s cellphone to destroy him/her. They’re both open to the idea of hacking it and/or beating A to death with it next time they coax him/her out of hiding. Aria, however, wants to debrief the awkwardness of the previous ten hours. She’s all, “OK, so then Ezra was like — you know that face he gets that’s like as cute as a baby panda mixed with a sheer terror of a kitten being chased by a wildebeest? He had that face, and he was wearing that vest we got last month when we drove to Philly. Not the midnight blue one, the black one. With that button-up I got him for his birthday. So then he told my dad —” But Emily has had it. She’s like, “Yeah, Aria. I came out to my parents too. It’s tough. My mom tried to poison my girlfriend. But in case you missed it, our archenemy just launched an intercontinental ballistic missile at my head and I still have l GLASS IN MY HAIR.”

Aria is dismayed over Emily’s outburst, of course; Ezra led her to believe that lesbians adore micro-processing, all hours of the day and night, in any kind of hellscape. They don’t have time to bicker, though, because A’s phone rings and it turns into a game of dodgeball, all four girls pelting each other with the phone as hard as they can. Just: “You answer it!” “No, you answer it!” And, like, at first I was all, “I am so sure. What is A going to say if they answer the phone?” But then I realized A probably keeps one of those voice manipulators in the car for just such an occasion. Probably s/he uses it to sing along with the radio. Like satanic autotune.

Spencer’s all, “We have to take this phone to Caleb so he can do his technology voodoo.” And Hanna is like, “No! I’m the only person on this show whose significant other has not been murdered at least one time!” They bicker for like half an hour, but Emily is just done. Finally, she’s like “F–k all y’all. I’ve got Caleb’s number from that time he helped me hack into Maya’s phone at Jesus Camp. I’ll call him my damn self.”

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