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Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Downton Abbey” recap (2.01) — Love in the Time of Hobble Skirts

I’m something of a trollop when it comes to TV viewing, hopping into and out of bed with any show that tickles my fancy, getting my giggles here and my drama there and my love and whimsy and gravitas every other elsewhere. I’m insatiable. Unable to be wholly pleased. Or at least I was until Downton Abbey‘s first season made its way across the pond and into my heart forever. Yes, I said forever. Extravagant English settings, delicious Edwardian costumes, sumptuous intrigue, blossoming romance, immortal zingers from Dame Maggie Smith, Michelle Dockery’s face. Entail schmentail! I was ready for marriage!

Last night season two premiered on American television, and still I am ready for marriage. Me to Downton Abbey. Lady Mary to Matthew. But oh ho, no! Not so quick! Two years have passed since the Archduke Franz Ferdinand fell victim to the Black Hand and Cora Crawley fell victim to Ms. O’Brien’s soap. Class warfare has been traded in for actual warfare. You thought Mrs. Patmore’s kitchen was a battle zone? Welcome to The Somme!

Let’s exposit. Do you want to exposit? Julian Fellowes thinks we should exposit.

There seems to be no end to the advantages of being Matthew Crawley. Sure, he’s serving on the front lines of one of the bloodiest military operations in the history of, well, history, but at least he gets to pop home to Downton for a few weeks for a holiday. Matthew says he scarcely remembers his life at Downton, which is for the best, I guess, because life at Downton has never been less Downton-y (despite the panic attack-inducing efforts of Carson the Butler). Our favorite gay Slytherin Thomas is off being a member of the health corps in France; Bates is off burying his mother in London; and Gwen is off having a fancy new secretarial career with the telephone company. Other changes: Lady Edith is learning to drive, presumably so she can run Mary over at her earliest convenience; Lord Grantham has taken to wearing his army uniform everywhere, even the bath; and Sybil has decided to become a nurse, much to the delight of Isobel, who is apparently trying to take over for Madam Pomfrey as Britain’s most eager healer.

You know who hasn’t changed, and thank the Lord above? The Dowager Countess of Grantham, who stops by Downton first thing in the morning – “War makes early risers of us all!” – to help everyone get ready for the evening’s fundraiser. She is no less committed to her war duties than Matthew, promising to battle Cora’s “Lost World” floral “monstrosity” for King and for country.

The drama downstairs goes like this: Bates’ mother left him a chunk of change in her will, which he thinks will free him up to get a divorce from his nimble-fingered wife and marry the angel named Anna. They’ll buy an inn, have some kids, take turns trying to out-noble each other for the rest of all eternity. Unfortunately, the wayward Mrs. Bates comes calling as soon as she hears the jingle of coins in Mr. Bates’ pocket and she explains that she, like every other person in the United Kingdom, has heard the tale of Poor Mr. Pamuk. Only she’s got an extra inside scoop: Anna helped Mary and Cora drag that dead bloke’s body halfway across the county. She holds out a sword and Bates, of course, falls on it, even as Lord Grantham shouts down his departing carriage all the way out of Yorkshire. That unnecessary uniform isn’t going to button itself, Bates! God, you’re a selfish prat!

Also dramatic is the fact that William has thwarted Violet’s well-meaning meddling and gotten himself enlisted in the army. He only ever needed the slightest bit of encouragement to propose marriage to Daisy and when she kisses him on the cheek, he assumes it means forever. He calls her his sweetheart, asks for a photo to take into battle, and is generally the loveliest, saddest thing you’ve ever seen in your life. A million Williams died at The Somme. Daisy doesn’t want to encourage him, but Mrs. Patmore, whose nephew was shot for cowardice, advises her not to send him into battle with a broken heart. It won’t be long until your sweetheart status is moot, Daisy. If William isn’t cannon fodder by the next episode, I’ll eat one of the Dowager Countess’ hats.

Upstairs, like I said, Edith is on the go! Branson has taught that girl to drive and there is no stopping her now! She takes a job (!) as a tractor driver (!!) for one of the Crawley’s tenant farmers (!!!) whom she immediately starts making out with (!!!!). Who can blame her, really. The only thing Edith has had less of than purpose is attention, so plowing a field and actually being looked at by a boy really gets her going. Unfortunately, the farmer’s wife isn’t feeling that whole adultery thing – who’s the tart now, madam? – so she cans Edith before her very first harvest. (Accidental euphemism.)

Sybil doesn’t even know how to fill a kettle to boil water for tea, but by God, she is going to medical school. And she does. Because when Sybil wants to wear harem pants, Sybil wears harem pants. And when Sybil wants to become a surgeon, Sybil becomes a surgeon. Or, well, a nurse for the time being. Branson drops her off at nurse school with a confession of love, and because Sybill has never seen a TV show, or, apparently, herself in the mirror, she is shocked. Shocked! She says she won’t tell anyone about his proposal. He’s still on thin ice after letting her get smacked in the head with a bottle last season, after all. But also, she’s just too busy saving the world to even think about changing the world with a cross-caste love affair right now.

But where, oh where is my beloved Mary? Why, she’s headed to Downton on the train from London. Cousin Isobel, do you know anyone else who’s arriving tonight on the train from London? No? How about anyone arriving by car? Oh, just Matthew? Heir to Downton and love of Mary’s life? And he’s bringing his fiance with him? I’m sorry, could you repeat her name? Lavinia Swire? Good heavens, she is not to be found in Burke’s Peerage or even Burke’s Landed Gentry! Sea monster indeed!

Guess who drops the bomb on Mary that Matthew is coming to town with his fiance in tow? I’ll give you a hint: One time she threatened her entire family’s reputation by writing a letter to the Turkish Embassy calling her sister a slut. Yep, you guessed it – Backbiter Edith! Ever stoic, Mary says she’s happy for Matthew. In fact, she even manages to say as much to Matthew’s gorgeous face when she sees him at the fundraiser. Frankly, I don’t know how she manages it. I can barely breathe when they’re in the room together. Mary also announces that she’s found herself a suitor in newspaper magnate Sir Richard Carlisle, who, it turns out, has some prior association with Lavinia. Or “that blonde piece,” as the Dowager Countess so aptly describes her.

Mary is forced to say two goodbyes to Matthew. The first is the stuff of legend. She meets him on the train platform as he’s preparing to return to France and gives him a stuffed toy from her childhood, making him promise to bring it back without a scratch. The second is equally heartbreaking, but slightly less picturesque. Under the advice of Carson, who tells her no one would ever choose a Lavinia Swire when he could choose a Lady Mary, Mary goes to confess her feelings to Matthew, but is confronted by his doe-eyed, red-nosed fiance instead. Lavinia is crying because Matthew is returning to the front lines. Again. War holidays, man. Just when the woman of your dreams is about to confess her undying affection, it’s back to the daily grind of World War.

In the most moving scene of the episode, Mary kneels beside her bed and tells God that she realizes she doesn’t have much leverage with him – what with literally shagging a man to death last season and everything – but still, she’d really appreciate it if he’d do her a solid and keep Matthew safe.

And, finally, let’s talk about the Draco Malfoy of Downton Abbey: former first footman Thomas Barrow. Conveniently, he finds himself in the same bunker as Matthew at The Somme when Matthew returns home from one of his relaxing wartime vacations to the Caribbean. They share a shelter, a cup of tea, some anecdotes about the days of Downton yore. And then Thomas crawls out into the bunker and gets his hand shot off on purpose so he can get back to England to do some smoking and scheming with Ms. O’Brien. Ever his Machiavellian companion, O’Brien convinces Cora to convince Dr. Clarkson to pull some strings to get Thomas moved to the local hospital, where he promptly falls in love with a blind soldier who also happens to be his patient. 

I’m not kidding about the Malfoy thing, either. Remember in Half-Blood Prince when Malfoy is trying to murder the greatest wizard of all time and we hate him and Harry hates him and then Moaning Myrtle mentions that he’s been crying in the bathroom and the whole world flips upside down. Because yeah, he’s making terrible decisions. And yeah, he’s a dick. But every antecedent experience of his whole entire life is telling him he doesn’t have another choice. Anger is the only weapon in his arsenal. So it is with Thomas, who opens up to the blind solider, tells him people have been kicking him around for being different (gay) his whole life, and assures him that sometimes the only thing a person can do is claw and bite and keep himself alive by spilling the blood of every potential enemy. The blind solider softens Thomas, just for a moment – and then he kills himself.

And everything Thomas has ever believed has been proven all over again. So: Back to blowing up the world.

Back upstairs,  Carlisle proposes to Mary in the least romantic way possible, and Sybil and Isobel demand that Downton open its doors to wounded soldiers.

I’ve heard some things about season two. Some terrifying things. But I’ve pledged my fidelity to Mary Crawly Downton Abbey, and I’ll see it through until the end.

What did you think about the opening episode of season two? What was your favorite Maggie Smith quip of the episode? I’m torn between “Edith, you are a lady! Not Toad of Toad Hall!” and “Oh, that’s a relief. I hate Greek drama, when everything happens off stage.”

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