Get a room — We ended last week’s episode on a classy note. Jackie and Rebecca were sucking face by the bathrooms in a sushi restaurant. Perhaps I’m being too harsh. You don’t pick the location of The First Kiss — it picks you. Maybe yours was in your car. Maybe it was in the dark and booming milieu of a dance club. Maybe it was in your gynecologist’s office. Maybe it was with your gynecologist. Hey, I’m not judging.
When we rejoin the drama this week, Jackie and Rebecca are still over there, nose-diving into each other’s faces. Back at the table, the other trainers are having kittens over the emergence of Jabecca. Jesse has no sense of any moral outrage; he’s just pissy he found out when everyone else did.
Jesse is so distraught about being left out of Jackie’s loop, he decides he needs to go home and lie down. As he’s leaving, Jabecca returns to the table with two sets of smudged lips. Rebecca’s pouty, shimmery mouth made Jackie dizzy, so she’s all, "What? You’re leaving?" when Jesse puts his jacket on. After he’s gone, Jackie and Rebecca casually pull out their respective lip glosses for some synchronized reapplication. They both agree dismissively that Jesse’s being way too sensitive and, quite frankly, a beeyotch.
Peeler — and I can’t believe he’s being the sensitive one — speculates that Jesse might be upset because he doesn’t feel like Jackie’s best girlfriend anymore. Zen, the girl with a glass half-full, offers that Jesse just wants what’s best for Jackie, uh, doesn’t he? Jackie knows better. Peeler tries to wrap his shaved head around the new love dynamic unfolding before his very eyes.
You should have called first — Right on cue, in strolls Tiffany. Tiffany leans over and gives Jackie a kiss on the lips. Rebecca smiles brightly with clenched teeth and smoke coming out of her ears. Her eyes beam laser death-rays at Tiffany’s head. Zen and Erika whisper in each other’s ears and titter like chipmunks. The boys are sort of speechless. Brian holds his hands up to his face with his palms together. He’s begun a silent prayer either for this night to end or for a girl threesome.
Strange and delicate. Like Bjork, only not quite as enchanting.
It’s so awkward when your date shows up and you’ve just finished dry-humping another woman. Jackie decides she needs to shift her attention to Tiffany so she won’t feel uncomfortable and left out. Of course, this just makes Rebecca feel uncomfortable and left out. Jackie gingerly feeds Tiffany a bit of sashimi with her chopsticks while Rebecca looks on with thinly veiled disgust.
Being equally casual and friendly to everyone at the table would be too obvious, huh?
Sensing the end of her coming-out party — and having lost Jackie’s full attention — Rebecca announces that she, too, is leaving. Erika, all empathetic and stuffed from her two pieces of tuna roll, decides to go with her. As Jackie hugs Rebecca goodbye, she whispers in her ear, "Give me a call in the morning, all right?" Yeah, but let it ring once and hang up, because she might not be alone. Heh.
Rebecca has started an exodus from the restaurant. No one wants to sit with Jackie and Tiffany. If I were Tiffany, I’d be developing a complex. Zen, Andre and Gregg rise to bid Jackie and Tiffany adieu, leaving Jackie with the check.
But it’s not quite over yet! Out of left field, Andre takes Tiffany’s hand, kisses it and tells her, "I look forward to hanging out with you more." He tells her he’ll be at the gym, over by the boxing bag, with his shirt off. It’s amazing that women don’t chase him down the street begging to have his baby.
As they walk off, Andre, Zen and Gregg process the evening’s events.
Great. I’ve been ambivalent about Andre because he has no personality to speak of. Well, it turns out he does have something inside — and it’s all curdled and smells like doody.
Straight guys like Andre are the worst. They’re all for lesbians, as long as they can insinuate themselves into the situation or marginalize us as sexual ephemera or ugly hippies. Anything more real and they get totally hostile and weird.
Ah yes, the predatory lesbian. Why is this stereotype considered negative? Frankly, I have no problem with this stereotype. Any sister who can get any chick she wants is my freaking idol.
Jackie and Tiffany are left sitting alone at the big empty table, talking about what idiots men are. Jackie says Andre’s just jealous because he tried to get on Tiffany and didn’t get anywhere. End of story. They move on to the juicier (heh) topic of Rebecca. Tiffany knows she has some competition, but says Rebecca’s a big girl. Jackie’s feeling that old showstopper: guilt.
Tiffany has several things going for her. She previously dated Jackie for five months. She’s grown and become comfortable with her gayness. She doesn’t work at Sky Sport. She’s better in bed now than when she and Jackie first dated.
Jackie makes me feel a little dirty.