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“Glee” Episode 309 Recap: No Box

Time for Glee‘s 2011 Christmas episode. I hated a few things about it — gratuitous religion-shoving-down-throats; lauding the anti-gay, anti-trans Salvation Army; too much Rory — but that awesome 50s holiday special they did? Kurt and Blaine as “best friends and holiday roommates” in Gstaad? Heather Morris‘ world-class thighs and her rendition of “Christmas Wrapping”? The show-stopping voice of Amber Riley in “All I Want For Christmas Is You”?

That’s a whole lotta holiday cheer.

No, other than the three things I didn’t like, the only thing wrong with last night’s Glee was what wasn’t in it: Naya Rivera performing “Santa Baby,” and the scene they showed us in the official promo shots where Blaine gives Kurt a gift. Both cut.

The Klaine and Brittana fandoms wept. I mean, Tumblr is still damp.

The episode opened with Mercedes singing “All I Want for Christmas Is You” as the Glee Club decorated the choir room, with adorable Brittana dancing and hugging, tinsel everywhere, tons of promising Samcedes flirtation, and Kurt dancing with a giant candy cane.

Then Rachel and Finn kiss under the mistletoe, which was fine. I mean, I think we’ve had enough Finchel for the rest of eternity, but I grasp they’re like a major draw for some demographic of people I’ve never met, even online, because every single Glee fan I know is sick of them, but again, fine. Really. I’m totally resigned to the Finchel Show. I am.

Rachel has been made more shallow and selfish than she really is, presumably to drive the thin little sliver of plot the episode had (which is not a criticism; this was a holiday special, after all), and she’s in the hall assuring Finn that he doesn’t need to buy all 15 of the gifts on her list… five will do. “Holy crap,” Finn says to himself after she skips off, “I’m dating Kim Kardashian.”

Meanwhile, Sue is surveying the perplexed faces of Artie, Kurt and Blaine across her desk. “Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay… the Yuletide season is upon us.”

“Other Gay.” I so love this.

Sue proceeds to forgive the three of them for making her run for, and lose, Congress, as well as “ruining the American songbook, one mash-up at a time.”

Artie accepts her forgiveness on behalf of the others, but Sue goes on.

“Now, Christmas isn’t just a time when Jewish kids feel uncomfortable and dwarves get jobs in non-union commercials that make them quietly die inside,” she says. “No, Christmas is also the time when we give back. Which is why I’m volunteering Friday night at the Lima Homeless Shelter.” She invites the kids to join her there and give the homeless the gift of song.

“Coach Sylvester,” Kurt says, “I’ve heard you say on several occasions that you don’t believe in homelessness.”

“You said you considered homeless people ‘urban campers,'” Artie reminds her.

Sue goes to the window and looks out, pain on her face. “Can I be honest with you, Stumbles, Gelfling, Young Burt Reynolds?” (Blaine seems to be very pleased with that name, by the way.)

It’s time for one of the many moments when we see a soft side of Sue. Even knowing it will be snatched away from us in the very next episode if not later in the same one, I still feel myself wanting to hug her when she confesses it’s her first Christmas without her sister, and she’s trying to keep herself occupied somehow. I mean, she could have kept herself occupied by slashing the tires of arts instructors across the land, right? But she chose this.

At least, she chose this after her original plans to shoot reindeer from a helicopter with Sarah Palin fell through.

In the next scene, Rory sings Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas.” I went into the kitchen to feed the dogs, as I can’t stand him, not so much because he’s a bad singer — he’s not — but because he’s sucking up all the oxygen from the characters and storylines and even songs about which I do, in fact, care. Like oh I don’t know, “Santa Baby.” Or what Blaine gives Kurt for Christmas. So, sorry, Rory. But no me gusta.

I didn’t leave the room before catching an adorable Klaine moment: Rory dedicates his song to “The King,” and a wide-eyed, head-band-wearing Kurt says, “Jesus?” The look, and little head-shake, that Blaine gives him? ZOMGSOCUTE. Almost enough to make up for the fact that Brittany and Santana aren’t sitting next to each other but every other couple on the show is. Oh, Glee writers. Is it something we said? Surely you filmed this episode before the Brittana fandom tried to burn you at the stake last week?

When Rory’s done crooning, Santana looks miserable. “That song is so depressing I may actually be dead right now,” she says.

Rachel calls it “mournfully beautiful,” but says that now that the Glee Club is back together, they should focus on “the joyous pageant aspects of this holiday.”

Tina agrees with her. “Last Christmas was super-sad,” she says. “Kurt was at another school, Coach Sylvester trashed everything, and Artie got a pair of magic legs that broke the next day. We were the Island of Misfit Toys. This year…”

Will walks in. “This year is a whole new sprig of mistletoe.” Turns out the local PBS station couldn’t afford the licensing fees on the Christmas Eve Yule log broadcast, and wanted New Directions to do a holiday television show, with Artie directing. (We’ll ignore the licensing fees they’d have to pay for the songs the club performs.)

Artie says he’d always vowed he wouldn’t sell out and do television, but when the PBS station manager promises him a free rein, including letting him film it in black and white and make it a combined homage to the 1978 Star Wars holiday special and the 1963 Judy Garland Christmas Show, Artie relents. Despite the station manager calling him a “modern day Tiny Tim.” Ouch.

Sam and Rory are bonding over being away from their families at the holiday, and Sam invites Rory to come home with him for Christmas, since Brittany and her family will be in Santa Fe.

Rachel sings Joni Mitchell‘s “The River” for Artie and the rest of the gang in the auditorium, with an elaborate winter set including falling snow, reminiscent of last year’s Christmas special when she sang “Merry Christmas Darling.” But Artie says it’s too sad to fit with his artistic vision. Rachel’s fairly sure the problem is the absence of sparkly earrings on her lobes, but he says no, “It’s not about your ears. It’s about the song. It makes me want to kill myself…. It doesn’t fit my vision for our Christmas spectacular.”

“And what is that, exactly?” she demands.

Glad you asked. Artie wheels himself energetically around the auditorium, describing what he plans to film. “It begins at the Swiss Alps, in the village of Gstaad, in the perfectly appointed living room of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson’s chic, swank chalet.” Blaine and Kurt obviously love this idea. As do I.

Artie continues, “The tree? Towering and opulent. The fireplace? Draped in garlands. The stockings? Bejeweled.”

Kurt and Blaine’s faces and hand gestures are awesome here.

Artie goes on, “Kurt and Blaine, the perfect hosts, have invited their friends to drop in for an evening of Noel Coward-esque banter and fun, happy, cheer-filled songs.”

Rachel looks as stricken as Kurt and Blaine look delighted. “Are you telling me I’m not invited to Kurt and Blaine’s for Christmas?” she asks

“Not unless you pick a happier song.”

Artie’s vision for the evening also includes Rory dressing up like an elf and reading the story of Frosty the Snowman. At this point there’s a bizarre little exchange involving Sam, about the role of sadness in the holiday season and what really happens to Frosty. (Sam says he dies, but he doesn’t. Every year at Christmas the cold winds re-constitute him. It’s a metaphor. I swear it.)

Sam storms out to go volunteer for the Salvation Army ringing bells. I’m sad to hear them name the organization, because the Salvation Army is a terrible, homophobic, trans-phobic organization and no supposedly queer-friendly show should be giving them free advertising like that. It made me sad. Almost as sad as Jewish Rachel going all in for Christmas. Oh, Glee.

Rachel continues to be incredibly annoying with her gift-greed. Finn gives her a donation of an African sow pig to help feed a family, the perfect gift for a materialistic vegan. She rejects it, quoting Lucy, “All I’m asking for is what’s coming to me. All I want is my fair share.” I’m not always the biggest Rachel fan in the world, but this is character assassination.

Then she and Blaine sing a duet, an original song called “Extraordinary Merry Christmas.” Or I assume it’s Blaine and Rachel, because I see their lips moving, but the auto-tune on their voices is so extreme it could have been me and Dennis singing. And their whole flirty thing makes my skin crawl, especially in an episode where Brittany and Santana do not exchange one single freaking word. What was it you said, Rachel? “All I want is what’s coming to me? All I want is my fair share”? Me, too.

Brittany and Santana do dance together really cutely here, though.

Then Sue comes in to confirm the Friday concert for the homeless, only to learn they’re all bailing to do the television show instead. I don’t really mind this plot twist (or “plot device,” to be more accurate), although Sue as moral center is a bit jarring. I just wish they’d worked a little harder to make me believe the conflict. Seems with a tiny bit of planning, the kids could easily have done both. As, indeed, they end up doing.

Anyway, when Sue stalks out, the only ones who look concerned are Blaine and Quinn.

After we get back from a commercial break, we’re treated to a faux-holiday special that’s one of my favorite things ever from Glee. I know a lot of people didn’t like it — I told you, I went to Tumblr — but I did. I laughed so much during it I almost hurt myself. I think most of the people who didn’t like it are just too young to really get it — a valid criticism, given the fact that Glee‘s demographic really isn’t people who were kids in the early 60s.

But for anyone with a grounding in the history of the television holiday special, this was pure, unrelenting, laugh-out-loud gold.

It starts with a cheesy intro of the cast, and then we see Blaine and Kurt’s Gstaad house as the fire blazes inside and the snow falls outside, and they sing “Let It Snow” while they dance around in suits and ties in a house apparently decorated by Tom Ford or the guy who did the sets for the “Dick Van Dyke Show.”

When they’re done, they open the front door of the house to the camera, and Kurt addresses the audience directly. “Hello!” he chuckles, sounding a little surprised, as if he wasn’t expecting to see us. “Well, I guess we’re all in the spirit of the season by now. Let me apologize for not introducing myself sooner. I’m Kurt Hummel, one of your hosts this evening.” To the sound of a canned laugh/applause track (genius!),  he turns to Blaine, and they stand with their arms loosely round each other. “And this is my, um…best friend and holiday roommate, Blaine Anderson.” More canned applause.

“How do you do?” Blaine says jovially. “Welcome to our bachelor chalet.”

Chris Colfer and Darren Criss really make this all work. They’re just so other-era in their facial expressions, their hair and wardrobe, the stylized way they speak, sing and move. They’re letter-perfect, while still being themselves and still showing just that hint of humor that tells us they know the whole thing is completely over the top and more than a little geeky. It’s so them.

Rachel and Mercedes show up, and Mercedes should go back in time because she completely rocks the vintage look. They arrived bearing gifts: An Elizabeth Taylor necklace and pendant for Kurt, and a Christmas tree bow tie and candy cane-striped Capri pants for Blaine — who, amazingly, said he didn’t already have a pair.

Then the four of them sing “My Favorite Things” from Sound of Music. I know a lot of people don’t think of that as a holiday song, but it was on a couple of holiday compilation LPs my parents used to play for us when we were little and decorating our family tree, so I’m guessing it’s, again, an age thing. Like knowing what LPs are.

Turns out that Kurt forgot to turn on the oven, so they don’t have any dinner. Whatever will happen next? Blaine smiles at the camera and says, “I guess we’ll find out, after these messages from our sponsors.” And then we go to real commercials — starting with the Nook one featuring Jane Lynch. The meta is starting to distort the gravitational field of the planet.

Also? There are no ads on PBS. Not even for Victoria’s Secret.

When we come back, we enter the Gstaad chalet mid-conversation. “And then I said to Justin Timberlake, ‘That’s not egg nog!'” Kurt’s telling Rachel. (Laugh track.)

Blaine comments on how heavy the snow is, and Kurt turns to the camera and does a little PSA on global climate change.

“I think these are the end times,” Mercedes agrees. Then everyone laughs.

The door opens, and Finn and Puck come in, dressed as Luke Skywalker and Hans Solo. They sing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” on the electric guitar and drum kit that suddenly appeared next to the tree. And Blaine plays the harmonica.

And then… ding dong! It’s the Cheerios! With streamers! And they sing back-up for Brittany’s “Christmas Wrapping.” I’m sure it was awesome but Heather Morris’ bare thighs distracted me to the point where I couldn’t really focus on the song. Except at the end, when she and Santana dance over to the sofa, where they sit and hold hands and cuddle, Santana’s head on Brittany’s shoulder.

I was totally happy but then Rory walks in wearing his elf-suit and reads the Christian bible story, just like in “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” And the whole thing deeply affects everyone, including devout Jews Puck and Rachel, and I’m no longer enjoying this.

At the homeless shelter, Sam and Quinn are helping Sue dish out food when the Glee Club shows up, with food and presents, and everyone sings the Band Aid 80s classic, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” I loved that song — I was living in the UK when it came out, and had seen a lot of those artists live — and I hope it raises lots of money for Band Aid and that it gains a lot of new fans, but overall I thought it was one of New Directions’ weaker big group numbers.

The whole end of the episode kind of dragged out, actually. We’re back at McKinley, and Finn has bought Rachel one of those star registry stars. He named it “Finn Hudson” so she could always know he’s looking down on her. He also got her the earrings she wanted.

But greedy!Rachel’s small heart has grown three sizes. She returns the earrings, as well as the iSomething — I couldn’t tell if it was “pod” or “pad” —  she’s bought for him, and they donate the money to the Salvation Army, where Sam and Rory are bonding and ringing bells. Finn and Rachel join them ringing bells, and Rachel finally remembers she’s Jewish and wishes a passer-by a Happy Hanukah.

And that’s it until January 17. Happy Solstikwanzanukahmas to everyone from me!

Next page! My favorite #gaysharks tweets from last night…

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