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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.12): Everyone says I love you

I had, briefly, considered just typing out the script word-for-word for tonight’s episode. Because tonight, Rizzles lovers, the line between subtext and maintext became so irreversibly blurred that it’s almost just a straight-up recap. Almost. Well, at least in my head. Well, always in my head. And away we go.

The Rizzoli-Isles family is all at the dinner table together, because where else would they be? It’s a farewell to Tommy and I think I can safely say from all of us gay ladies — don’t let that door that hit you in the ass on the way out, chess boy. Mama Rizzoli is all proud of her 32-year-old ex-con son for cutting up celery and broccoli. Elder siblings Frankie and Jane are somewhat less impressed, they’re apparently saving their “good job, gold star” faces for when he does something truly impressive like peel a banana or tie his shoes.

Jane wants to see his new place — always the big sister and wanting to check stuff out — but Tommy says they can’t come until he has the money to get the lights turned on. So, um, he is moving into his new apartment without electricity? I can see why your mother is so proud. Maura tells him she’d be happy to co-sign the lease and Jane and Frankie simultaneous blurt out “No!” I love how Frankie knows what’s what. He’s like, if I’m going to be an in-law to Dr. Isles, I want to be an in-law to the good sibling, not the one living alone in a dark apartment.

Later, as Maura is doing the dishes, Tommy emerges all “Hey, girl, hey. My sister’s not here anymore to kick my ass, right? Because I want to ‘talk.'” And then the moment all lesbians have been dreading is upon us. He says he’s going to miss their chess matches, gives her an expensive bottle of wine (which is apparently where his electrical bill money went) and says it’s rare like Maura. Then he leans in for a kiss.

Before we can scream, “Bad Maura! Wrong Rizzoli!” she stops him mid-pucker with a gentle yet very firm, “Whoa.” And then simply says, “I should finish these dishes.” When a lady would rather get dish-pan hands than lock lips with you, dude, that’s pretty much the definition of denied.  Also that’s pretty much the definition of every gay lady I know. So, well, there’s that.

Back in crime land, a pair of bank robbers in creepy old guy masks are robbing a bank and shoot and kill the manager on their way out. Det. Rizzoli arrives on scene to find Frost outside, pacing. She asks him why he isn’t where the action is and he says the FBI has taken over. Jane is like FBI, Schmefbi — I shot a guy thought my own stomach and swaggers inside.

She asks a female agent for the person in charge and lo and behold, it’s her — Special Agent Anna Farrell (played by Veronica Mars alum Tessa Thompson). They have a chuckle at the whole “girl running the task force” automatic sexist assumption thing, but then Farrell attempts to crime-scene block Jane citing bungled police work in another department. Jane reassures her Boston homicide is the real deal, and they have what appears to be mutual admiration eye sex. I’d be a little jealous for Maura, but women with authority and guns giving each other professional respect is kinda hot.

Maura is examining the dead bank manager’s body and comments on his belly fat. That’s our Dr. Isles, always thinking of the deceased’s cholesterol levels. Frost finally comes in to deliver some news about a partial license plate for the getaway van. He gives the eye cold shoulder to Farrell, and it gets so chilly in the room everyone grabs a sweater.

Korsak says he stared at her like she was a perp and Maura says it wasn’t a stare, which is a “casual fixation with no attention to detail,” but a scrutiny, which is a “close attentive examination.” Leave it to Maura to know the different kinds of ways people can look at each other. All those nights studying the Eye Sex Kama Sutra to impress Jane have really paid off.

In the autopsy room, Jane is still puzzling over how Frost and Farrell know each other. She asks Maura if she got the sense that those two had slept together. Maura answers, “I’m not very good at figuring out who is sleeping with whom.” She much rather prefers the direct approach, as in, “I’m sleeping with you, Jane. And that’s all I know.”

Then Maura asks Jane if Tommy got turned on. Bad Maura, wrong Rizzoli again. But she meant the lights, if his lights got turned on. Jane gives her the old squint eye and the collective fandom gives her the side eye. I’m going to have to borrow their copy of the Eye Sex Kama Sutra to help me describe exactly what’s happening if everyone keeps shooting everyone all these different kind of looks this episode.

Frost comes in to say the FBI found the getaway van, but won’t let them process it. Jane is like, “I do what I want” and they walk up on Farrell’s surveillance sting. But not before she tells Frost she knows that “she dumped you ass.” Can we start the Rizzoli Novelty T-Shirt Company? I’d wear that one around. That and a “Really?” T-shirt. Jane asks Farrell what happened and she says Frost wouldn’t put the toilet seat down. She gives her a, “See, lesbians never have this problem” look.

Then, while looking through Farrell’s binoculars, Jane noticed blood dripping out of the van. She takes of running. Wait, can we just take a minute to appreciate the thoroughbred beauty of Det. Jane Rizzoli in full stride? Run, Rizzoli, run.

They find what appears to be a dead bank robber inside. It looks like he was shot in the van, but Jane says the blood spatter seems strange. Maura chimes in that this is why she’ll only commit to “a reddish brown strain.” It’s time for a little nerd vindication as she informs them that it’s not all blood, some of it is paint. Jane calls her honey Dr. Smartypants and a new nickname is born. All the best lady loving docs on TV wear some sort of pants — Hot or Smarty. Oh dear, now I’m imagining a Dr. Hotpants and Dr. Smartypants crossover and — um, I’ll be in my bunk.

They team uncovers the dead robber’s identity, and find he used to play hockey with the dead bank manager. This leads to an awkward interview of the bank manager’s widow where Farrell is all, “Is your husband who was just murdered and you’re crying about as we speak a criminal trying to defraud the bank of their hard-earned money?” Jane swoops in to provide the patented Special Soothing Touch (like Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, but less “take off your pants” and more “come cry on my shoulder”).

She smoothes things over and Farrell admits that tactful warmth isn’t her thing. She then calls Jane “amazing” and Jane tells Korsak “I like her.” Now I’m starting to get a tad nervous about their mutual admiration eye sex. It’s getting a little close to regular old eye sex. And only Maura gets that kind of eyeball loving.

Luckily, Jane’s eyeballs get directed elsewhere as Farrell gets an important call and has to run and Korsak digs up an old engagement notice between her and Frost. They go notify the dead bank robber’s brother, who is at daycare with his daughter. He has what appears to be a male friend there and for a second I think it’s a Susie has Two Daddies situation, but alas no. Instead Jane and the brother silently bond over the burden of having a screw-up younger brother. Though Tommy isn’t dead — yet, but just wait until Jane finds out what he tried to do to Maura.

Back at the autopsy room, Maura is examining said dead screw-up younger brother when Farrell walks in. She says they found three prints — the dead suspect, the missing suspect and another mystery suspect — on the van. Then she shows her who mystery guest No. 3 is. It’s Tommy, whose prints were on the rearview mirror. The discovery means the case is under grand jury investigation and Maura is prohibited from discussing it with anyone on the Boston Police Department, particularly one Det. Jane Rizzoli. Farrell makes Maura sign a Title 18 non-disclosure agreement. I no longer like her, and neither will Jane.

Jane shows up in the lab talking about how she had to notify the good older brother about his bad younger brother. This is, obviously, a page ripped right from the Rizzoli Family Study. Jane is giving Maura major gooey, puppy eyes and Maura can’t tear her eyes away from her microscope because of The Big Lie.

Jane catches on to Maura’s weird vibe and asks if she is OK. Her goo-goo eyes turn to poor-baby-are-you-OK eyes in a flash. Maura blames a stomach ache and Jane says she only has “gastro-stomach-epilitis-aches.” Her Lassie instinct can kick in at close or long range. Maura says her stomach ache is pretty bad and Jane says she’ll call to check on her later. She’s such a good girlfriend, you guys.

Maura goes to leave and Tommy finds her in the parking garage. He says he’s sorry and Maura says he is in serious trouble. Tommy’s natural response is, “Did you tell Jane? Does she know?” Yep, because he knows he is in deep, deep, undeniable doo-doo for trying to kiss his sister’s lady. But just then FBI cars come screaming up and haul Tommy away. I am not saying there is a direct cause and effect relationship between Tommy trying to smooch his sis’s girlfriend and getting hauled away in cuffs. I’m just saying, note the correlation.  

While this is happening Jane, Frost and Korsak are raiding the card room where the missing suspect is gambling. Frost works out some relationship demons and shoots the guy when he pulls a gun on him. And then he works out even more when Farrell shows up and tells Frost they also nabbed the getaway driver, one Tommy Rizzoli. Frost asks is Jane knows and screams, “You didn’t tell her?!” And he promptly calls Jane.

You guys, you guys — let’s all hold hands for this next part. We can get through this together, OK? Jane storms in the Medical Examiner lab, slamming open the doors. Maura greets her with some science speak and Jane snaps, “Yeah, that’s what you do, you hide behind science.” It’s going to be bad. Squeeze my hand if you have to.

Jane says Maura should have told her immediately because there are ways to tell her without telling her. Maura says she couldn’t and if she did she could go to prison and lose her medical license. Jane says, “You didn’t trust me enough to protect you, and you didn’t protect me.” OK, ow ow ow, now you’re squeezing my hand a little too hard.

But the biggest bomb has yet to drop. Jane asks Maura why she was with Tommy at the time of the arrest and Maura confesses he was there to apologize for trying to kiss her. Jane can’t fully process it and then says, “Did Tommy make you sign a Title 18, too?” But the look on Jane’s face. It’s shock and hurt and anger and betrayal. It’s powerful and sad and I want to hug Jane. I also want to applaud Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander for their work in this scene. Their chemistry works both ways — fun and flirty or angry and agonizing.

Frost interrupts them to say Farrell has pulled Jane from the case and apologizes. Jane snaps at Maura, “You see that, Maura, that’s what friends do. They tell you.” Maura leaves and everyone is sad and everyone needs a cookie. Our only consolation now is thoughts of the epic make-up eye that is surely to follow.

Jane goes to confront her brother in the interrogation room. She asks how he could do it — the bank robbery that is. He says he didn’t — the bank robbery, or Maura for that matter. He says he just borrowed his friend’s van to move. He was sleeping and his friend was painting at the time. The elephant in the room is of course why he tried to kiss Maura. But that’s another question for another day when possibly fewer shackles are involved, but only possibly. Tommy promises Jane he didn’t do it and she vows not to let him go back to prison.

OK, guys, now let’s all hold hands again, but for different reasons. Out of excitement, not support. Also, it’s just nice to hold hands. Jane walks into Maura’s lab and says it’s too bad she can’t live in her microscopic world. Maura says the micro world makes more sense now than the macro world. She also says the paint she found in the van was from the dye pack, but the paint under the bank robber’s nails weren’t. Jane says he couldn’t have been too places at once. And Maura quotes the physical laws of quantum mechanics and says, “Unlike electrons, human beings can’t be in two places at once.”

Jane laughs, in spite of herself, because she can’t help but love her Dr. Smartypants. And then I’ll just quote the script verbatim because there’s really no sub in this text.

Jane: I kind of love that you know that.

Maura: You do? So, you don’t hate me?

Jane: No, I still hate you.

Maura: OK, I’ll work on hating you, too.

Then, when Jane asks Maura to track down the manufacturer of the red paint, she goes all Rainman on the exponential of paint possibilities and near impossibility of the task, but with one look from Jane says, “Yes.” And then Jane says she’ll do “my gumshoe thing” to track down what house was being painted. And then, again verbatim:

Maura: I kind of love that you can do that.

Jane: Well, I hate you a little bit less. …

Maura: Jane, do you know how long you’re going to hate me for?

Jane: It’s too soon to tell.

Maura smiles a little, pleased smile as Jane leaves. She knows she’s forgiven. And she knows she’s loved. And she knows the make —up eye sex later that night is going to leave her sore in new places.

And, that, that friends is the scene that made Rizzoli & Isles book series author Tess Gerritsen finally believe in eye sex. Yes, the ocular shagging in that scene was so strong, the person who invented the characters in the first place threw up her hands and tweeted:

Maura being awesome, tracks down the paint color in under 3 minutes and Jane and Co. do their gumshoe thing to find the colonial house being renovated with the paint. And with Maura’s help again reviewing the bank footage, they realize the robber had a limp and it’s really the so-called good brother who was the culprit all along. And his partner was the guy I thought was his domestic partner. So much for first impressions.

But before they can pick them up, the men are already robbing another bank. Jane shows up with Ponytail of Righteous Justice deployed as well as a Kevlar vest. See, now this is the kind of thing she could have really used in the first season finale.

But having the bulletproof vest makes Jane think she is bulletproof all over and she walks in, against commands, unarmed into the bank to confront the robbers and free their hostages. Question: How does Jane manage to look good in that bulky Kevlar? Leave it to Det. Sexy McBadass to look crazy fabulous while being crazy heroic, emphasis on crazy. She talks down the good brother, because she is Det. Jane Rizzoli, and a sniper’s bullet takes out the partner.

And, of course she looks ridiculously sexy and badass throughout. This almost makes me rob a bank — I mean it.

Tommy is vindicated, the charges are dropped and everyone is all smiles. Mama Rizzoli can go back to being proud of her son for chopping vegetable. But what about our quarreling lovebirds? Oh, friends, what happens next is the writers making up big-time for subjecting up to O’Really? last week. And not just normal making up where you say you’re sorry and maybe hug it out. This is candles and candy and champagne making up. This is special oils and handwritten poems and possibly even a rented sky writer creating declarations of love making up. This isn’t even subtext anymore. This is just scripted romance. This is better than the last six Katherine Heigl movies combined. This, my friends, is why we call it gayzzoli.

Let me set the scene for you. Maura is at Jane’s place in a black tank top. I know, already it’s like Christmas morning. Jane is adorably making grilled cheese. Seriously, it just keeps getting better. Maura pulls out the bottle of wine Tommy gave her. Because nothing says I’ll never sleep with your brother like sharing the expensive wine he bought you with your girlfriend instead of him.

And then this happens. And I quote, again verbatim:

Jane: Listen, I don’t want to stand in the way of a great romance, OK?

Maura: What do you mean?

Jane: You and Tommy. I mean, clearly, opposites attract.

Maura: It is an evolutionary strategy to ensure healthy reproduction.

Jane: OK, why do you got to go straight to breeding, all right? With my brother.

Maura: Look, I like Tommy. A lot. But I love you. And I hate it when you hate me. So I don’t want to do anything to compromise our friendship.

Jane: Good, cause I hate it when I have to hate you.

Maura: [Hands Jane a glass of wine and whispers] Sip it slowly.

And that, right there, is the gayest non-gay scene you have ever seen. A field of beautiful wild unicorns running free across the plains just heard that, stopped, turned around and said, “Wow, that’s so gay.” And it is, it really, really is.

They talk about how opposites attract. Jane doesn’t want to talk about breeders. Maura says “I love you.” And, oh sweet fancy Moses, that soft little “sip it slowly” at the end. Sip it slow, slip it real slow — all night long. And so ends another totally heterosexual episode of Det. Sexy McBadass & Dr. Smartypants, with declarations of love over grilled cheese.

An episode filled with so much text instead of subtext deserves an equal amount of your #gayzzoli tweets. You were killing it, ladies, killing it.

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