Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Once Upon a Time” SnapCap (1.06)

You guys, what was with the green screens on last night’s Once Upon a Time? I know I should be thinking about the epic love story between Prince Charming and Snow White or whatever, but I cannot stop gagging over those green screens. And they weren’t even necessary. I used to give BBC’s Merlin a hard time about their CGI, especially with the dragon they kept chained up in the basement of the castle for the first two seasons, but never again. Merlin was like actual magic compared to last night’s Once Upon a Time. I mean, I know it’s hard to maintain solid SFX on a TV budget, but COME ON.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

This was the least AE bait-y episode ever. Jennifer Morrison was all bundled up in her leather jacket the whole time. Emma barely even shared the screen with Regina. In fact, the only time the female characters spoke to each other was to move the Prince Charming plot along. Snoooooozefest.

“Here’s to my boyfriend getting less boring and your girlfriend getting in your pants.” (“Thanks, Mom!”)

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS

Hokey green screen and lack of SwanQueen aside, “The Shepherd” had a couple of heart-hitting moments. I’m still not particularly invested in the Abigail/Charming/Snow (Kathryn/David/Mary Margaret) love triangle, but I hate to see Ginnifer Goodwin cry, so when David confessed his love to her and then changed his mind, it messed with my feelings a little bit. But mostly I just felt frustrated because, honestly, those guys have only known each other about six seconds and the only thing they’ve bonded over is the fact that they keep taking it in turns to rescue one another. Which: Fine, that’s a heady aphrodisiac. But I could do with a little less telling and a lot more showing, you know?

BREADCRUMB TRAIL

However! Prince Charming did have a backstory I wasn’t expecting even a little bit, so that was a nice surprise! He’s not even Prince Charming, really. He’s just a poor shepherd boy who was separated from his twin brother at birth due to his dad selling his sibling on the black market to ol’ Rumpelstiltskin. That dude, his hands are in everything. It was fun watching the plot come full circle, right up until the moment when Snow White was about to pounce on his carriage. I wonder when they’re going to start making Abigail a more sympathetic character in FairyWorld, though? Right now she’s a more frigid bitch than the White Witch of Narnia. And not in a good way like Regina.

I AM THE SWAN QUEEN

“But, but, but … me and her and Portard were going to be a happy family!”

How upset was Emma when she found out her beloved Regina has been bonking Sheriff Graham. She tried to cover it up by going, “You’ve been doing that in the house WITH HENRY?” Like, two consenting adults having sex in the same house where a child is sleeping six doors away? HOW DARE YOU, SIR. Some people were probably like, “Man, Emma’s got the hots for Graham!” But we saw Emma’s hots last week, and they were for Regina.

It looks like Graham is going to get his memories back next week. Also, it looks like someone is going to get killed. Here’s hoping it’s not another construction paper dragon in front of a cardboard back drop!

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