“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Write a blog about it

Welcome back from Thanksgiving break my darlings! The ladies are still
in Greece and it looks like this week’s episode is going to be filled
with a lot of creepiness, yelling, crying and, as per usual,
ridiculousness.

Tyra is going to have the girls
be part of a “fashion film” based on her book, Modelland, which Lisa says is going to be “epic.” I’m
at the point right now when if one of the models says they’re going to
be a part of something “epic,” I prepare myself for the worst.

Speaking of the worst, Angelea
reminds us that she’s still there while Dominique was sent packing after the
previous challenge. She admits that she was surprised Dominique was the
one sent home but that she was a hater. We’re then treated to a montage
of Angelea’s emotional breakdown.

As if she were watching the same recap clip, Lisa chimes in and says
she’s pretty sure Angelea’s going to be having many more emotional
outbursts to come.

The girls come back home and we see Laura‘s
winning picture up on the screen for everyone to admire. I’m getting a
little bit concerned about how much camera time they’re giving to my
favorite country bumpkin because I feel like that probably means she’s
going to be sent home. Just when Tyra builds you up, she knocks your
ass right back down to the ground.

The final four ladies meet Nigel
at some kind of accessories store and he tells the models that, since
part of their prize package is to have a blog for Italian Vogue, they’ll be meeting their
possible future boss during this challenge. I’m sorry, but having a
blog is kind of a crappy prize. It’s work! In fact, I think as
punishment for being sent home, each contestant should be forced to
recap the next episode.

The challenge for the girls is to blog about their time in Greece.
Angelea is a freaking genius because she thinks the Italian Vogue editor “might have a say” in
who wins this competition. I’m actually going to hold back a lot of my
comments about this show and its prizes because it’s all making me
irrationally angry.

They are told to pick out an outfit, they’ll get a guide and driver who
will take them around Greece to stop and take pictures and find a spot
that inspires them. Then they’re supposed to get back to the hotel and
write their style blog, but it all has to be done in three hours. The
winner gets to come back for seven days with their boo or whoever they
want to take on vacation with them.

Allison tells her guide to take
her to an abandoned building; Lisa wants to go where her cab driver
would take his girlfriend to make love. (The joke is on her — she’s
already sitting in it.) Angelea asks to go to the “ghetto” and Laura is
the last to leave because she focuses on the outfit she’s going to
wear. In my mind, that makes sense for a “style” blog. She also says
she likes to keep up her photo blog at home but since she’s dyslexic,
she’s not all that in to writing.

It turns out Allison and Laura wind up at the same spot. Laura is
nervous because she knows Allison can write her butt off. Allison is
the last to get back to the house so she’s nervous about having enough
time to write her post. Everyone is nervous and if Angelea says. “Vogue
dot ‘I’ ‘T’” one more time I am going to lose it.

TYRAmail comes and there is shrieking. The ladies meet Jay Manuel at the location of one
of Greece’s most popular television series and they’re going to be
directed in a “motion editorial” by Tyra, (aka a video). Ty Ty explains
that the piece will be based on her New
York Times
best-selling novel, Modelland,
which is about a modeling school at the top of a big mountain and the
main character, “Tookie,” is
based on herself — because what the hell else would Tyra focus on but
herself?

Everything will be shot out of order over the next two days “just like
a real movie.” The actual
finished product will be shown over the next two weeks of judging and
the final week will reveal the winner of the All-Star cycle.

So, what I’m getting from this video they’re putting together is that
the girls are basically trying to climb over each other to get into
Modelland and will stop at nothing to be deemed the chosen one. But they
are all crazy and their families are crazy and something with a doll
and Lisa’s face being nutso but finding the light. OK, Tyra, you won
this round, I’m kind of intrigued by what the hell this book is about.

Apparently, Tookie is obsessed with whipped cream so Laura is charged
with the task of squirting it directly into her mouth and not be sexy
but also not look comical.  You have got to be kidding me. Lisa
gets to pose in a doorway with crazy eyes and a baby while Laura
squirts white cream into her mouth. I don’t understand this at all.

Allison’s sensitive eyes are causing problems once again because she’s
being asked to stare directly into the sun. On the plus side, she’s
excited about being asked to portray a cat, as is to be expected, and
keeps it real by saying, “I feel like I can definitely relate to some
of the bizarre concepts that are going to be taking place in this
editorial video.” Bizarre indeed, my friend.

Tyra gave Angelea the role of someone struggling with feeling
discarded. Wow, that’s quite a stretch. Where’s the whipped cream for
her?

Now I’m really pissed off because everyone but Laura got something that
can be high fashion and not look ridiculous. Putting dirt on your face
and being asked to throw garbage around while looking crazy is not high
fashion. I don’t care if Heidi
freaking Klum
 or Linda
Evangelista
were given that same can of whipped cream and told
to squirt it in their mouths, there is no way it could come across as
any less ridiculous. I know I’m being set up for disappointment, I’m
calling it now.

They call a wrap and Tyra babies Angelea in ways no director,
photographer or editor would ever do. Yes, she did well. No, she did
not try harder than anyone else on the shoot nor has she ever.

Later, at the Vogue Italia
headquarters, Nigel phones in to magazine editor Franca Sozzani and asks if she’s
been able to read any of the blog pieces yet. She says yes and that
Allison’s blog was too short, like a quote. Nigel says he thinks it’s
“a little highfalutin’” because she mentions Persephones’ demise and “being
inspired.” I’m not sure why her being inspired is highfalutin’, but
we’re not winning any Emmys over here so I will stop being concerned.

Laura’s blog fared a little bit better and while Franca said her photo
was sexy, Nigel seemed to want to use that against her as if it were a
bad thing.

Lisa’s blog concept was a good one, where she focused on the culture
and it being different from California — but she didn’t compare the two
enough for them.

They liked Angelea’s blog a lot. Nigel liked that she used the word
“fashion” and I think I just pulled an eye muscle from rolling them too
hard. He also liked that she pointed out the “graffiti stricken walls.”
Oh yeah, I’m really sure the people of Crete’s travel and tourism board
will be psyched that she’s concentrating on the less nice part of town.
Very fashionable.

When all is said and done, Franca probably wanted to rip up whatever
contract she signed. Angelea was the winner and she tells the girls to,
“Hate on bitches.” Save that good stuff for Vogue.it, girl!

The following day, the girls find out they’re going to be getting a
co-star, but not just any co-star, they’re getting male supermodel Tyson Beckford. I can’t lie, I am as
gay as they come, but I would hit that like he owed me money. The man
is fine!



Your future host of Extra,
Angelea, can’t keep her excitement contained and later asks if she can
have a hug. Very professional.

Tyra shoots her own scenes with Tyson and is an even bigger creeper
than Angelea. She sucks his thumb as part of their scene because her
character, Tookie, doesn’t know how to kiss yet. Tookie and her love
interest should sign up to be on TLC’s
The Virgin Diaries.

The next day at panel, they sit through the almost-finished product and
it ended up looking like the most screwed up CK One ad meets Requiem For A Dream. I think it’s fair to say I hate everyone on the judge’s panel at this point. In the end, only three models can stay in the running. In the end, Lisa won for best performance in the video.

Runner-up was Angelea. Yuck.

The model going home this week is one of my favorites no matter who is
picked.

I knew it. My darling Laura is going home. I wish she would flip out
and be like, “Tyra, how you gonna play me like that? You made me squirt
whipped cream into my mouth and then told me it was too sexy. Bish you
crazy!” I have high hopes for her though and she will always be the
winner in my heart. Three models are left and at this point I have to
say my money is on Lisa to take it all. She seems like the most
marketable model for everything they’re looking for in an All-Star.
What say you my friends? We only have one week left!

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