Oh, lord. It can’t ever be easy with this show, can it?
This week is Finale Week on Dancing with the Stars. It would make sense, then, if we watched all four (Four!) dances from each couple on Performance Night and then voted and then saw the results on Results Night.
But instead we saw two dances from each couple and then will see two more tonight because the judges need to know how hard to throw the scores to get the winner they want.
(By the way, I went on a couple of DWTS message boards after last week. I don’t know why; I just had to see. The general consensus was that Hope Solo was terribly ungracious about her fake, lowball scores. Not because anyone thought the show or the judging was real, but because they felt Solo should have known the show was fixed before she even went on and thus should have been nicer about being in a rigged competition that she couldn’t win. Wow. That was not a side of American culture I expected to meet.
Hope and her partner Maks are scheduled to do a finale dance with all the other eliminated contestants tonight. I look forward to their Paso Doble of the Extended Central Finger.)
OK, on to the remaining contestants. I will depart from my usual grouping and just take them in the order they went.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough started out with a cha cha and Ricki looked great. Not to mention red and sparkly!
Rob Krankypants and Cheryl Burke and Rob’s stupid arm tattoos did a waltz. The costumers seem to have given up on Rob, putting him in the same Mafia suit he’s been in before with a different shiny tie. The highlight of this dance for me is when Rob drags Cheryl backwards exactly like she’s a hand truck full of sandbags.
SCORE: 27 Which is, you’ll notice, the same score Ricki just got. Because those dances were clearly of the exact same caliber.
Time for J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff and their cha cha! Karina seems to be wearing old film stock dipped in gold, but she’s wearing it well.
SCORE: 24 I don’t even want to talk about it.
Next up, the freestyle dances! Anything can happen!
Ricki and Derek blended a salsa and a quickstep and, oh, my do I love these black and white outfits. Not to mention Ricki and Derek’s crazy moves! Good for you, kids.
SCORE: 27, for a total of 54 points.
Rob and Cheryl did their freestyle to “Minnie the Moocher,” which should explain it if you saw Cab Calloway‘s ghost floating around looking all disgusted last night.
SCORE: A perfect 30! It’s the parts where Rob lapsed back into his graceless stumping around that really put them over the top. Total for the night, 57.
Finally, we had J.R. and Karina. Hey, guys, will you blow the roof off this dump, please?
SCORE: A perfect 30! Just like Rob. Because those two dances were equal in difficulty and quality. J.R. and Karina finished the night with 54 points, tied with Ricki and Derek.
…And three points behind Rob and Cheryl. Rob Krabcake is in the lead.
If you will excuse me, I have to go nominate all three judges for the Booker Prize in Contemporary Fiction.
See you back here for tomorrow’s SnapCap! In the meantime, go forth and dance.