“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Greece is the word

We’re back in Greece and Dominique
is psyched to be the dark horse in
the competition. She says that while she misses her children — who are
absolutely adorable — she’s doing this for them and hopes to bring home
the All Star title.

Wait, I take back my previous statement about the location of the
models. Some of the girls are in
Greece and Angelea is still
stuck on Get A Clue Island. She’s so
confused about why she keeps getting stuck in the bottom two while
Dominique
hasn’t been there once. She also insists that Dominique is not an All
Star. Homegirl needs
to get her eyes checked and take a look at their pictures again. She
also needs to listen to all of the previous comments from the judges
because they keep waiting for her to be great on camera. I’m fed up
with her nonstop boasting when she’s done pretty much nothing to back
it up.

Lisa keeps running her mouth
about how Allison isn’t good
enough but if
she pooped, the judges would call it a doe-eyed masterpiece. I can
agree that Allison isn’t for everyone’s taste but she delivers every
time, even if she’s uncomfortable or finds the
shoot challenging. When will the bitchy models learn that it’s best to
just
concentrate on yourself and your own role in the competition?

The remaining five girls get a TYRAmail and are ordered to meet with
the
judges. Miss Jay meets them
and looks like he has a rug tassel tied
around his head. He says they’ve been judged by the experts enough, now
it’s time for them to be judged by their peers. Darling Laura smiles
and says it’s going to be a train wreck.

First the girls need to take turns showing off their runway walks.
Dominique says Laura is a white girl
with some sass and thinks she’s great. Angelea says Lisa’s walk is
sloppy and can’t see her
walking on any type of runway in life. Easy there tiger. Allison goes
up and, well, her walk could definitely use some work so I’m not going
to judge Lisa telling her that she needs to work on it. Angelea walks
and while I know she’s supposed to
represent the hood, I don’t think she’s supposed to be doing it so hard
on the runway. Dominique walks and, in my eyes, looks hot as hell. Lisa
said she looked really hot but Angelea said she looks like she’s trying
too hard. Oy.

Now comes the part where I know the show producers are just trying to
get these girls to tear each other’s throats out. Miss Jay asks them
why they think they deserve to win and, of course, who does not deserve
to be there. Somebody hold Angelea’s earrings because I hope it gets
real up in here.

Laura and Allison are very sweet and diplomatic and say they aren’t
going to pick anyone even if it means they lose the challenge. Even
Lisa decides to say they are all so very different that it’s like
throwing a dart at a board to see whose picture it would land on.

Up comes my favorite dark horse, who basically says exactly what I’ve
wanted Angelea to hear but in much (and I mean much) nicer words. She
says she lacks the confidence to be there and she needs to believe in
herself before she can expect anyone else to believe in her. Hell, she
basically regurgitated half of what the judges have told Angelea
themselves. She adds that Angelea reminds her so much of herself and
that’s why she cares enough to say something.

Well, we know how well Judge Judy will take it. She was really happy to
talk trash about Dominique earlier, but the second Dominique gives
constructive criticism, Angelea feels attacked and just can’t believe
what’s coming out of her mouth. She says Dominique is unprofessional
and looks so bad, saying all of this even though that was part of the
challenge to begin with.

Now that the ice has been broken, Laura decides to chime in with the
fact that she agrees with what Dominique was saying because they all
care about her. Not to be outdone (or more likely not to go without
speaking) Lisa says Angelea is supposed to represent persistence but
she’s not sure what she’s trying to sell. I’m sure Miss Jay can’t wait
to see some press-on nails go flying.

Miss Jay

Angelea isn’t hearing any of it and this just boils all the crawfish in
Laura’s bloodstream to the point where she starts to get angry! You go
little Laura!

Cut to Angelea’s solo interview and she keeps insisting that everybody
only sees “hood” when they think of her but she’s got so much else to
offer. Cut back to her swearing and bringing the hood back into
everything she’s done. Classic case of big talk and no game.

Miss Jay calls time and says Angelea should go ahead and talk her stuff
out but instead it turns into more of an argument and Angelea exits in tears, convinced that the group has teamed up against her to try to
make her leave. I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson in all of
this: Sometimes the truth circle hurts.

 

Allison sad

Dominique says she’s told Angelea the same things she just said during one-on-one conversations. Laura is crying now and says she
considers Angelea a friend and wants her to know that she was trying to
compliment her. Laura may need to take some complimenting classes, but
her critiques were still spot on!

Angelea tells the cameras that these girls don’t know her. She is the
spokeswoman for confidence. As she sits on a ledge overlooking some
trees, Miss Jay comes to speak to her and is wearing an outfit that
would personally make me want to jump off of that wall. In what ring of
hell is this fashionable?

 

Angelea calls them all sneaky bitches and says she can do what
Dominique can’t do, which is to be herself at panel. Reality Alert: The
competition is for America’s Next
Top Model
, not America’s Next
Top
Judge Shmoozer
. Miss Jay tells her that she is the one in charge
of her
situation, not the other girls, so she needs to get her ass back to the
other room.

 

When asked who she thinks doesn’t deserve to be there, she pauses and
says all of them. Miss Jay sees this whole situation has been beaten
like a dead dark horse and says it’s time to tally up the scores.

Everyone goes to a corner and judges who they think has the best runway
walk, best portfolio and best overall All-Star quality.

The one with the weakest results is Allison, which is shocking except
for that runway walk and thinking about her trying to team up with
Mario Lopez on Extra. But seriously? When you’ve
got Angelea right
there calling you trifling ass bitches?

The one with the strongest score was Laura. Lisa says she was only
chosen because no one thinks of her as a threat. Ugh, get off my screen, Lisa.

Miss Jay says they’ve been through a lot of stress so they’re being
taken on a yacht to go swimming. Angelea still can’t get over thinking
everyone is out to get her because she’s the biggest competition and
they shouldn’t be trying to “psychologize” her. Come on back down to
earth, honey.

They arrive at the yacht and are greeted by Twylem Pyper who is a
former model and Crete Socialite. Judging by her face on close-up shots, I’m going to say she’s probably the Angie
Dickinson
of Greece.

The girls go swimming and have a good time, but afterwards they’re taken
out to party with Ms. Pyper who, as Dominique says, likes to drink a
lot. She introduces the girls to some kind of Greek alcohol with
strawberries in it and hands it out like it’s Halloween candy the day
after trick or treating is over. Most of the girls avoid the shots,
particularly Lisa because she’s a recovering alcoholic, but it looks
like Laura’s had more than a few.

At some point Angelea has a bit of a breakthrough
and says she can’t let Lisa and Dominique’s negativity affect her; she
needs to get it through her head that she deserves to be there and that the
biggest obstacle in her way of winning the competition is herself.
That’s all the girls were trying to say to her in the first place but,
well, OK, I’m glad she finally sees it now even if it only sounds good
coming out of her own mouth.

The next morning TYRAmail arrives and they find out they’re going to be
doing a beauty shoot. The view is gorgeous and the shoot is
going to be using fashion accessories to recreate something that has to
do with the ancient Olympics. On hand to be the photographer is judge
Nigel Barker.

Dominique goes first and is given a javelin. Angelea runs off her mouth
and keeps the harsh words for Dominique rolling like hateful diarrhea
(is there any other kind?).

Allison goes next and is asked to use her handbag as a discus. Nigel
says she starts off awkward and he was surprised by that. I’m wondering
if he watches his own show.

Lisa is given the hurdles to jump and she tells Nigel she’s been
holding back because she wants to play it safe because the judges
criticize her when she jumps all the time. When Nigel gives her the
go-ahead, she jumps like a warrior.

Laura gets a bow and arrow and totally rocks it. She looks gorgeous and
poses through some kind of bedazzled netted face mask.

Angelea goes last and is given a precious shell to pretend to use as a shot (for shot-puting). I’m not sure why someone would give anyone a very special
precious thing to model with and pretend it’s something you hurl as far
as you can — Angelea in particular, because she has no clue what the
hell shot putting is. Nigel says she really doesn’t understand what she’s
supposed to do and she’s totally awkward. Once again she’s struggling, but I’m sure she’ll be able to talk herself into thinking she’s the
biggest All-Star there.

Dominique and Allison seem to be pretty worried about their shoot.
Angelea tells Allison she’s worried about her pictures, but that she
thinks her personality will keep her there. Again.

At panel, Tyra is still surprised to see the group of girls shrinking.
The usual suspects are there on the panel as well as Miss Jay.

Allison goes up first and her picture turned out really well. Her eyes
look very intense.

Lisa goes next and they love the shot, maybe with the exception of
Andre Leon Talley.

Dominique’s shot turned out a bit awkwardly but Nigel actually stuck up
for her and said she was on some rocky surface and it was difficult for
her to get her footing because of the angles at which she was asked to pose.

Sweet talking Angelea comes up and when asked which Olympic sport she
was representing, still hasn’t managed to figure out its name.
Somehow her picture turned out pretty well, but I’m still hoping her ass
gets sent home.

All of the judges with the exception of Queen Andre absolutely loved my
sweet Laura’s shot. It was totally fierce and if it doesn’t win best
picture I’m going to take Miss Jay’s weave and smack Andre with it.

When the judges discuss the pictures Miss Jay tells the others about
Angelea’s bad day and how that may have affected her pictures.
Tyra asks what happens if she has a bad day and is an Extra
correspondent and has to be on the red carpet interviewing Angelina
Jolie
and Reese Witherspoon? Does anyone remember how she reacted when
she saw The Game come into the room? Something tells me she’s not ready
to be handed a microphone regardless of whether her day was crappy or not.

The judges end up choosing Laura’s picture to take the top spot and
I’m happy they haven’t completely lost their minds. The models in the
bottom two end up being Dominique and Angelea. If Dominique goes home,
I’m still going to lose it.

And since she went home, I have no words so this will have to suffice.

crazy cat gif

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