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“Glee” Episode 306 Recap: World War Glee

I didn’t expect this episode to live up to the standard set by last week’s. I was hoping, however, for a little consistency of style and tone, some more cohesive use of the themes raised last week and throughout the season.

Then I remembered: It’s Glee. Roll with it. So we’ll roll, from the cartoon-violence, unrealistic “Sue for Congress” campaign ads and developments, to the set-to-music dodgeball war, to the ongoing tragedy of Blaine Anderson‘s short pants, all the way to the not-so-cartoonish-anymore final few minutes of “Mash-Off.”

The first thing we learn is that the Lion King Puck-fassa has been caged. He’s hot for teacher. He sings about it. I couldn’t bear to watch. I’m sure there is some kind of Pucklby fandom where you can watch the clip if you missed it.

When Puck Halen performs for the rest of the New Directions, Rachel wonders if “Hot For Teacher” is appropriate. Of course it’s not appropriate, Rachel, but neither is half the stuff you kids do in show choir, so deal with it.

Mr. Schue says whether or not it’s appropriate depends on what Puck’s intent is. Puck (who had earlier voiced-over that he’s 18 so his relationship with Shelby is legal) lies and says, “Guess I just dig Van Halen.” Will high-fives him.

Is there somewhere I can sign up to conscientiously object to this storyline?

Later that night, Will and Emma are watching Sue’s latest campaign ad, in which she tells voters that Burt Hummel has a baboon heart. Her heart, however, is human. Also, her ad is paid for by Angry White Voters for Sue Sylvester.

Will is furious. Emma tells him that, just like they tell their students, if you win dirty you didn’t really win. Tell that to the people of Ohio when Sue Sylvester’s in Congress, Emma.

In the next scene, Kurt slams into Sue’s office to tell her what he thinks about the ads attacking his father. Before I get into that, thought, let me say that normally I am the world’s biggest fan of Kurt’s wardrobe. He has never really gone wrong for me. But this week, he crosses a couple of lines that should never be crossed. Ever. And this outfit is one of them. I can’t even describe it.

Anyway, she tells him, “It’s not personal, Porcelain, it’s politics,” and points out that her campaign is working while Kurt’s own squeaky-clean run for senior class president isn’t. We see a little clip of Brittany handing out balloons saying, “A vote for Brittany is a vote for root beer water fountains and robot teachers.” Then she adds the coup de grace: Her opponent, Rachel Berry, is still on MySpace.

“Brittany’s making promises she can’t deliver on,” Kurt says to Sue, outraged “It’s lying. And no-one’s even on MySpace. Not even Rachel.”

“Have a seat, Yasser,” she says, and proceeds to give him some campaign advice and educate him on how the world works.

“You know why I fight dirty? Because I’m fighting for something,” she tells him. “I have a cause. I hate the arts… and a bunch of other stuff. You want to win? Find yourself a cause, my friend, and then start flinging poo. Winning is really about poo-flinging.”

Kurt’s not buying. “I refuse to believe that. I agree that perhaps I need a better cause. But I can win this thing without having to fling a single stinky nugget.” And he storms out. Kurt rules.

Shelby and Will are talking in the teacher’s lounge. Will is taking the blame for Mercedes, Brittany and Santana leaving New Directions — as he should. It turns out, in a major suspension of the 12-member rule that dominated so much of the plot as recently as earlier this season, both clubs will be going to sectionals.

Will and Shelby decide that since the two of them can get along, so should their kids. They decide to hold a “mash-off” competition.

The two rival choirs show up in the auditorium, neither knowing the other would be there. They suspect Shelby and Will want them to reunite for Sectionals, but Santana says it’s not going to happen and the New Directions should just shuffle off their stage.

“You guys, we can compete without being enemies,” Finn says. “We can compete without getting vicious.”

“Oh, I think we do, Soft-Serve” Santana says. “See, the Troubletones are 3-F: Fierce, femme, phenomenal.” She turns to the others. “You guys, hurry, go get some moist towels.”

Sugar starts to go, but Brittany stops her. Santana finishes with, “We have to keep Finn wet before we roll him back into the sea.”

Rachel’s had enough of seeing her man put down. “You know what, Santana? Finn is in great shape. And your meanness only highlights your own personal insecurities.”

“You know what, Rachel?” Santana replies. “Your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator’s.”

Suddenly, Shelby and Will enter from opposite sides of the stage and sing a medley of Lady Gaga‘s “You And I” and Eddie Rabbit and Crystal Gayle‘s song of the same name. Too light for me. But it leads into Shelby and Will announcing McKinley High’s First Annual Mash-Off between the two choirs. And everyone is all, “Yay!”

Later, Puck strolls up to Shelby after math class and hits on her. Just before that happens, we see Santana and Brittany skipping out of class together. I try to focus on that while I listen to Puck telling Shelby they should be together because they’re both hot and because of Beth. Shelby insists it’s just a crush, but Puck says he wants them to be a family, celebrate Hanukah together, and get an RV and go to Coachella.

Can you see Shelby at Coachella?

In the choir room, Will is soliciting ideas for the New Directions mash-up. And Kurt is wearing, I don’t know, the most hideous thing. Did having sex destroy his fashion scene? Please re-virginate Porcelain if so.

Anyway, after adorably helping Kurt down from the back row, Blaine adorably suggests the Police — remember him saying he knew Kurt wanted to “do it in a field of lilacs with Sting playing” last week? — Artie wants the Clash, Kurt wants the Spice Girls, Mike wants REM, someone off-camera wants the Jonas Brothers, and Finn suggests Hall and Oates.

Having seen what the Troubletones are going to bring in the mash-off, I know this will not end well for New Directions.

Finn also wants to give the solo to “the new guy,” and for a minute Blaine clearly thinks he means him. But it’s Rory, who demurs. Blaine recovers instantly and encourages him to do it, and gives Finn a big grin, saying he’s glad Finn suggested it.

Oh, Blaine. You are too classy to live. Although I guess having had the lead in the school play, it’s hard to see you as “the new guy.” Still, I really can’t understand Finn’s hostility to Blaine. Is it because he’s dating Kurt? Threatens Finn’s role in New Directions? No me gusta.

Meanwhile, Scary!Quinn is grilling Puck on why Child Protective Services hasn’t arrested Shelby yet, and tells him to be super-nice to Shelby so they can babysit more. She also vows to get closer to Shelby, because that means getting closer to Beth. So she goes to ask if she can join the Troubletones, but Shelby says she has to think about it. The look in Quinn’s eyes scares me.

Rory has what I assume is a platonic crush on Finn and tells him that when “that girl with the lips” said he looked like a whale, he wanted to tell her that Finn looked “fine.” Scorching defense, dude.

Finn tells him it’s just “trash talk,” a term the Irish exchange student doesn’t know. Finn says it’s something athletes do to undermine the confidence of members of opposing teams. Or in Finn speak, “When one player insults another to try and get them off their game.” That, he says, is what Santana is doing, “trying to get inside our heads so we remain losers. Well, it’s time to start getting inside of hers.”

Just then, Brittany and Santana walk by. “Hey, there, Orca,” Santana says cheerfully.

“Hey, Santana,” Finn calls after her. “You look like an ass-less J-Lo.”

“You’re skinny like all the crops failed on your family’s farm,” Rory says.

Santana and Brittany laugh. “That is the lamest thing I didn’t understand a word of,” Santana says.

“Not one word,” Brittany agrees.

“Is that really all you can come up with?” Santana asks. “You seriously think you can out-insult me? I’m from Lima Heights. I was raised on insults. It’s how mi abuela put me to sleep at night. And she is not a nice lady; you know, she tried to sell me once. And it wasn’t until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn’t ‘Garbage Face.'”

Since an insult-off is apparently off the table, Finn says they’ll have to settle it another way: dodgeball. Troubletones vs. New Directions.

Okay.

Then there’s a beautiful scene with Shelby and Rachel. Rachel’s written a letter of recommendation to NYADA for herself, and wants Shelby to sign it. Shelby does, but then calls after Rachel, “I’m so proud of you. You are truly a star, Rachel.”

Rachel invites Shelby to her Broadway debut, and then says maybe Shelby could write her own version of the letter.

Shelby is looking at Rachel’s CV, and mentions that kids without all these activities and accomplishments won’t have a chance to get in. Rachel looks really upset, and I wonder: Is she thinking about Kurt?

The next scene answers the question. In the gym, Rachel walks up to a red-headbanded Kurt and nervously laughs, “This could be deadly, facing our foes head-on without any adult supervision.”

Kurt sits on an exercise ball and ties his shoe, but doesn’t say anything.

“So,” Rachel goes on, still nervous. “You know that our NYADA applications are due next week. I only need one more letter of recommendation. I wrote to Patti LuPone on her website, but I haven’t heard from her yet.”

Kurt is listening, and he sighs, but he doesn’t turn around and he doesn’t say anything.

Rachel’s voice breaks. “I really… I really miss you, Kurt. And I really want to be your friend again.”

Kurt’s face is full of emotion. “Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you walked over me on your borderline-sociopathic climb to the top.” And he walks off.

The two teams line up, and Rory says he’s never heard of this game of dodging balls before. “What’s the rules?”

“Don’t die,” Puck tells him.

Now, here’s the thing. Up until the end, the dodgeball thing is clearly meant to be cartoon violence. It’s fully choreographed to the songs “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” and “One Way Or Another.” Several of the students take blows to the head that would have knocked them out in real life. Brittany flies and flips through the air in slow-motion, and tosses a ball before she lands. She and Mike are laughing as they pelt each other with balls. It’s funny, it’s clearly not meant to be realistic, and I was even enjoying it due to the red-hot badness of Santana. Also, Brittany’s thighs.

And then it was so not funny anymore, because when it was all over, the Troubletones started pelting a fallen Rory with balls, relentlessly, until Kurt intervened and told them to stop.

Rory’s nose was bleeding, and Kurt said, “Maybe that’s how the others treat us around here, but we don’t do that to each other. We’re better than this.”

“God, calm down, Grandma,” Santana says, rolling her eyes.

Kurt just helps Rory up. “This game’s over.” And it is. Because Kurt rules.

“We still won,” Sugar says as the Troubletones leave. Rachel looks deeply troubled, and I feel her pain.

I am not sure if the transition from the sort of Glee-esque unrealistic dodgeball game to real violence and bullying was brilliant or clumsy. It’s one of the problems of doing these recaps the minute the episode ends, that I don’t get as much chance to think about things as I wish I did. All I know is it left me feeling anxious in a weird way.

The next day, the Troubletones are practicing, when Mercedes comes in and suggests they do Adele for their mash-up. “Oh, I love her!” Brittany enthuses. “She sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings!”

Oh, Britt. Never change.

Everyone thinks it’s a great idea, including Santana. But Mercedes lays down the law: Her battle with Finn is over.

“Oh, no, honey, I’m just getting started,” Santana says.

Mercedes says she’s the leader of the Troubletones, and a quickie vote of the rest of the group confirms it; Brittany is the only dissenting vote other than Santana.

“Mercedes is right,” says Shelby. “We should all be focusing on winning because we are better, not meaner.” She says they’re going to play fair.

“I just don’t have time for this kind of thinking,” Santana says.

“We’ll make time,” Mercedes says. “Because you are a star member of this group. And you need to represent.”

And then Brittany leans her head into Santana’s, and sings, “Stop the violence.” And they giggle and look at each other and smile, and Brittany says, “Come on,” and Santana laughs and does this cute thing with her hand. And she can’t stop laughing and almost blushing, and just says, “Okay, okay. I’ll play fair. From now on, I’ll be so nice that cotton candy won’t melt in my mouth.” And she and Brittany look at each other and laugh-smile some more while Mercedes beams.

Possibly the cutest ten seconds in television history.

However, everything is now about to change.

Santana sees Finn and Rory in the hall, and calls out, “Hey, Tubs. Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Listen here,” Rory says. “You can’t make fun of Finn anymore.”

“Shut your potato hole,” she says. “I’m here to apologize.” She turns to Finn. “Rachel’s right. I haven’t been fair to you. You’re not fat. I should know. I slept with you. And at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who’s had one too many back-alley liposuctions.

Rory objects, and she says, “Please stick a sock in it, or ship yourself back to Scotland. I’m trying to apologize to Lumps the Clown.”

Back to Finn. “I’m sorry, Finn. Really. I mean I’m sorry that the New Directions are going to get crushed by the Troubletones. I’m also sorry that you have no talent. I’m sorry you sing like you’re getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you’ve been asleep for years, and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel’s coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what? I would just watch out for her around holiday time if I were him…” and then it just gets worse.

It’s so bad and un-funny that it doesn’t, for a minute, seem really like Santana. I was kind of lost here, to be honest.

Anyway, she flounces off down the hall, pony-tail swaying, and Finn icily turns around and calls after her, “Hey, Santana. Why don’t you just come out of the closet?”

She freezes.

“You know,” Finn says, walking slowly toward her. “I think I know why you’re so good at tearing everybody else down. It’s because you’re constantly tearing yourself down because you can’t admit to everybody that you’re in love with Brittany, and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not to be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the mash-off.”

I am not happy with Santana in this scene, but right now, I never want to see Finn Hudson’s face again. Really, outing her at the top of his lungs in the hallway of a school where his own stepbrother was pushed, beaten, and had his life threatened because he was gay? And wanting not to suffer what Kurt did makes her a coward? Really? And it’s not like we aren’t clearly shown at least one cheerleader double-taking on what he’s saying.

And to all the fans on Tumblr and Facebook saying insulting someone’s looks, however strongly, is remotely equivalent to what Finn did? Bite me.

Back in unrealistic cartoon land, Sue has another campaign ad, this one targeting Carol, Burt’s wife and Finn’s mom. She says that Burt has married a donkey — or rather, is there any evidence he hasn’t?

Burt tells Will he has to “start fighting fire with fire. Put your thinking cap on.”

Next is another Puck and Shelby scene, and I’m exercising recapper’s privilege and just saying that Puck tells Shelby about Quinn’s plot and he wants to be part of Beth’s life. Moving on.

Or not. The New Directions do their Hall and Oates mash-up, and it’s just awful. Second only to “Afternoon Delight.” And the hair and costumes and fake mustaches. The Troubletones are going to crush them.

Next up, the senior class presidential debate at McKinley. First is Mullet Guy. Where the hell did he come from? His platform was, we don’t like teachers so shut up.

Brittany, on the other hand, vows, “I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley High and end their violent rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, I pledge to go topless.” And the crowd goes wild.

Kurt’s speech is a model speech. It’s about bullying, and refusing to be bullied or allow anyone to be bullied. He vows to ban dodgeball in the school — as it has been, actually, at high schools all over the country for the very reasons he lays out here. He calls it a form of “modern day stoning.”

However awesome Kurt is, and however adorably supportive Blaine is (why can I not come up with words other than “adorable” when I write about Blaine?), you know, this is kind of old ground.

Rachel, however, is deeply moved by it. So much so that she withdraws from the race and throws her vote to Kurt. While she’s doing that, the jocks mock her, and for once Will and Figgins actually react and tell them to knock it off, forcefully.

Afterward, Kurt comes up to Rachel at her locker. “Why’d you do it?”

“I should have withdrawn from the race when I got the lead in the musical. You need the resume boost to get into NYADA. You’re already…” she takes a deep breath… “so spectacular, but being senior class president will just put you over the top.”

He looks at her for a minute. “Only Rachel Berry could perk up an old, boring high school debate with such a riveting twist.”

“I’m a drama queen. I know,” she says. “But I just… I hated you hating me.”

“Me too,” he says, happy and relieved. “Scowling gives you lines, and I’m way too young for Botox.”

She laughs. “I guess I was just focusing on my dream of going to New York and getting into NYADA, but then I realized that part of that dream is going there with you. So now I’m all about helping you win. Consider me your campaign slave.”

They stare at each other emotionally, and then she says, “I’m going to hug you now, okay?”

Awwww. BFFs again.

Scary!Quinn drops by Shelby’s apartment with a present for Beth, and she and Shelby have a confrontation over the plot to get Beth back. Shelby tells Quinn she’s not welcome in Beth’s life anymore. I am afraid that if Glee is serious about this storyline, which I just can’t tell at this point, Quinn’s going to kidnap Beth. Not enjoying this.

Brittany and Santana are walking down the hall the next day, and Britt is advising Santana to lay off Finn when Becky comes running up and says Coach Sylvester wants to see her in her office right away.

This is one of those scenes where Sue goes from totally unrealistic and, again, cartoon-evil, to being really human. Like the scene where she resigned from her role as principal because the school board wouldn’t keep Kurt safe in school and allowed Dave to return.

Burt and Will are there, and it’s clear something really, really terrible has happened.

“I’m afraid we have some bad news, Santana,” Sue says. “And I think I might be to blame.”

“You think?” Burt says.

“Watch your blood pressure, Bubbles,” Sue says. Then she looks back at Santana. “In my campaign to become Ohio’s newest congresswoman, I’ve said some things that are not true, and I don’t feel good about it.”

Sue comes out from behind her desk, and leans on the desk in front of Santana. “I set the tone for this campaign, and now I’m afraid my slanderous chickens have come home to roost.”

Will breaks in and says that there is a counselor standing by to talk to her, and Burt says he’s been there and will be glad to talk to her family.

Santana, of course, has no idea what anyone’s talking about, and neither do we.

It turns out that one of Sue and Burt’s opponents has created a campaign ad accusing Sue of being a lesbian, because she has appointed a lesbian head cheerleader — with photos of Santana. He found out because his niece goes to McKinley, and she overheard Finn taunting Santana about coming out in the hallway.

It’s not just Sue’s chickens coming home to roost.

Santana can’t seem to believe it. She starts to cry, and says, “I can’t believe this is happening. I haven’t even told my parents yet.” That “yet” ripped my heart out.

Then she runs down the hall, sobbing. And we cut immediately to the freaking unbelievable mash-up of Adele’s “Rumor Has It/Someone Like You.” It’s the strongest musical number Glee has ever done. Mercedes dominates it, the dancers are great, Naya packs so much emotion into her singing and also on her face, in her body language, the way she hesitates and almost, but not quite, loses the choreography… it was powerful as a stand-alone musical performance, but in the context, it’s devastating.

But it’s not over. The minute the last note dies away, Santana is down off the stage.

Finn has just murmured something to Rachel, and Santana, voice shaking, demands to know what he said to her.

“I said I thought you were great.”

She’s almost in tears, but furious at the same time. “No, you’re lying.” And I remember her telling Brittany that it was what people would say about her behind her back that scared her the most about coming out.

Rachel insists that’s what Finn said.

“Did you tell her, too?” Santana says.

Will stands up. “Santana…”

She ignores him, focusing on Finn. “Everyone’s going to know now. Because of you.”

“The whole school already knows,” Finn says, as we cut to Kurt’s face, watching. “And you know what? They don’t care.”

“Not just the school, idiot,” she bursts out. “Everyone.”

“What are you talking about?” Finn says, as Santana hauls off and slaps him, hard.

We see everyone looking shocked, including Santana, and then it’s over. Until two weeks from now.

Holy crap. Those last ten minutes redeemed the unevenness of the rest of the hour. And Naya Rivera? All the awards, baby. Just wrap them up and ship them out. She earned them.

And now for my favorites Tweets from #gaysharks!

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