Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Dancing with the Stars” SnapCap (13.7)

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When only four percent of scripted TV shows feature LGBT characters, what’s a gay girl to do? Why, strap on your gay goggles and watch TV along with us, of course! Our handy appraisal scale is better than any old letter grade. Other sites A+. We say, “What about our lezzy-lady feelings?”

(Looking for play-by-play commentary on the dances? Check yesterday’s video highlights. We have work to do here.) 

It was the big Halloween show this week! 

The spooky-themed dances weren’t even close to being the scariest parts of this week’s show. Strap in.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

Actually, this week’s degree of AfterEllen bait depended on your capacity for self-deception. If you squinted very hard and thought of only good things, this week’s results show featured two performances by an up-and-coming young butch lesbian singer. Sure, she was a little mannered and poppy, but what potential! And what a step forward for the music industry! 

But no, it was just Justin Beiber. (Sorry, I meant “International Phenomenon Justin Beiber,” which was apparently his full title that the announcers were required to use every single time. Way to get aced on the negotiations, DWTS.) Anyway, he sang two songs or maybe the same one twice, and Boys II Men joined in with the second time, because the producers know that the tweens watch Beiber, but it’s their moms who actually buy the advertised products. 

So, yeah, no mainstream pop music breakthroughs, just the usual. Hey, music industry managers and executives! You know what lesbian singers don’t have? Costly and embarrassing paternity suits. Just saying. 

Back in reality, Hope Solo came roaring into top form this week, and she has also evidently settled whatever her weeks-long Hatfield/McCoy feud was with the costume designers. She looked stunning and danced really well, clearly having fun with the whole thing. 

No, of course she and Maks weren’t given high scores that reflected their performance. I said we were back in reality. 

Some viewers may also have had mild heart events when J. R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff first came out, because GOOD HEAVENS, WHAT IS SHE WEARI – Oh, it’s a body stocking. 

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS!

The DWTS Spotlight Dance is completely unfair tugging at the heartstrings, made all the more egregious by the fact that it totally works. This week, Victoria Rose Viren only battled past a brain tumor and had to re-learn to walk and then re-learn to individual steps piece by piece to get back to that whole lifelong dream thing, and then completely nailed her dance on national television. And what did you do this week?

There was also more Hope and Maksim drama, or at least an attempt at stirring some up. On Monday, Solo tweeted indignantly about a “sources say” story in a tabloid claiming that she hated Maks. Be careful, trashola magazine that I will not link to. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you mess with one of them, the other one will cut you. 

… On the other hand, we also saw footage of Solo rehearsing with another dancer while Maks recovered from a foot injury, and she noted that she learned the routine especially quickly. Which could have been due to the new partner, true, or it could have been due to the fact that she essentially had a partner and a coach that week. The producers were also careful to include footage of Maks storming out during rehearsals for group number, leaving Hope to practice with Derek for a bit. 

So whether or not Maks is actually an undermining jerkface and whatever his relationship with Hope is actually like, the producers sure do want to make sure the viewing audience is able to draw the worst possible conclusion. Ms. Solo, I believe I have a wild guess to make about that tabloid’s sources. 

I guess the DWTS producers are dropping the patently ridiculous “Hope isn’t sexy” storyline for the easier to swallow – but equally sexist – “Hope is a victim” storyline. Awesome. 

And, as I mentioned, all those feelings were wrapped up in a terrific dance by Hope and Maksim that was shamelessly underscored. Just in case you were worried that they wouldn’t get spiked this week.

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