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“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “Making Dollars Out of Scents”

Well we made it everybody! We’re finally in the home stretch of this cycle and it couldn’t have come soon enough. As we start tonight’s show Lisa is upset about Bre leaving but also adds that Bianca doesn’t have a bodyguard anymore.

Alexandria, looking the least fierce I’ve ever seen her, reminds us that the judges knocked her picture for looking like “a reality TV star” and I’m reminded what a joke that is considering the fact that they are on a reality TV show. They – Tyra included – need to get over themselves and probably shouldn’t use that as a way to cut the contestants down, particularly considering who their guest judges have been so far.

Shannon says she thinks the judges want more raunch from her. I think she just needs to stop being boring.

Bianca is pissed that the house is full of cliques because now she doesn’t have someone to back up all the whack crap that comes out of her mouth. Seriously, she seems to get into fights with people over pretty much anything. A couple weeks ago she had a problem with Shannon’s phone lineup and this week she’s having a problem with Alexandria getting in the shower before her. Where is that crazy bitch Susan Powter to stop the damn insanity?

I just remembered seeing Tyra tweeting about the models creating their own scents in tonight’s episode. I hope some of them can come up with something strong enough to cover up the smell of desperation, venom and hair glue for their weaves.

TYRAmail comes and the girls start to get ready. In one room, they decide to critique each other and Bianca tells Kayla she’s a really great model but has no personality that translates to everyone. The gloves are off, so Kayla tells Bianca that while she’s memorable, she’s also a bitch and bitches never win. Bianca doesn’t get it and asks, “In whose world?” In the real world, honey. Come back down here.

Kayla fears that while she’s an All-Star, she’s just not sticking out enough. I can tell her with no hesitation, she should definitely be worrying about that because while “I’m a lesbian” is awesome and I appreciate her being out and proud, it’s not the phrase that pays.

When the ladies arrive at the challenge destination, judge Nigel Barker greets them and tells them they’ll be creating their own scents. Has anyone else noticed that Nigel has been showing up a lot more this cycle than any other? I wonder why that is.

The contestants are introduced to Ben Bennett, a fragrance guru or something, who is there to help them blend a fragrance using various scents displayed in front of them. The girls are super excited and ready to play the – say it with me now in barely a whisper – “Whiiiiite Diiiiamonds” fragrance-making game.

Lisa decides her scent is going to be fun and beachy to remind people of California. My mixture prediction: Sun tan lotion mixed with leftover citrus cocktail garnish.

Sweet Southern Laura wants to be sassy and sexy. My mixture prediction: Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce mixed with lavender and honey.

Dominique is a tough one since her brand is “Survivor.” How does one really smell like a survivor without a little musk? My mixture prediction: Filet mignon, snow peas and cherry blossoms.

Shannon chose tiger lily and pear blossom, which Ben warns her: Both represent “pure.” My prediction: Well we know the smells but it’s going to be a snoozefest to the nose. She calls it “Smitten” and Lisa calls it, “Selling herself short.”

Angelea names her fragrance “Angelea.” I suppose that’s about as real as it gets. I couldn’t make out what they said was in it but I’d like to assume it was hot dog cart water, Courvoisier and glitter.

My girl Allison knows how to spice things up. She named her fragrance “Honey Blood.” They didn’t say what was in it but I’m certain there are some ashes of at least one or two Sookie Stackhouse novels in there somewhere.

Kayla goes next and says that while her brand is “Free” it is because she is now “free from her story” and has “grown from her story.” Prediction: One part vanilla and two parts bottled tears from after her first Pride Parade. But wait, there’s a secret ingredient brought in at the last minute! I didn’t realize she grew up without a bed until she was a teenager. Prediction: Ginger is in there somewhere because a little bit packs a punch and brings a “whole lot of something from a whole lot of nothing.” If I’m right about this, somebody please tell the ginger farmers of America that they’ve got a new ad copywriter right here.

Bianca comes to mix her scent and as I stare at her on freeze frame I can already tell she’s using kitten blood and liquid nitrogen. She’s naming her fragrance after her branding word, “Candid,” but should really consider calling it “CrueSmella Deville,” especially when Ben takes a whiff and says, “There’s a little bit of bad girl in there.”

Alexandria decides to make her fragrance wearers do a tongue twister in order to pronounce its name: “Diamondarix” for the fashionable pole dancer in your life. She seems to take forever to choose her scent and the other girls get restless. When she’s finally chosen just the right mix of eu de mail-order-bride, Nigel comes in and tells the ladies they’ll be showing off their fragrances to “their fans” and the “general public.” Shannon jumps and squeals for joy probably not realizing that the general public prefers watching reruns of Maury over a new episode of The 700 Club.

Before anyone can get too excited, Nigel explains the models will be representing their fragrances from the comfort of their very own bathtub. This might be the most ridiculous challenge yet and I’m not forgetting about that idiotic Pink’s porn challenge with the hot dogs. Whoever wins the challenge will get immunity for the overall elimination.

As much as Bianca gets on my nerves, I am behind her 100% when she starts tearing this challenge a new one. She says even Tyra wouldn’t do this – she conducts herself too professionally to be trying to sell a fragrance from a bathtub. I feel her. But then she says, “When am I going to be taken seriously as a model and not as a gimmick?” Welcome to America’s Next Top Model, where even the creators don’t understand that they are a reality TV show, so why would you expect anything else?

Lisa tells her she agrees with her but that she’s going to have to roll with it otherwise someone else will be there to do it in her place. This is true and that someone’s name is Kim Kardashian.

Later that night, the girls get glammed up and ready to meet their fans. When I say “fans”, I mean it in the same way that I mean “All Stars.” A true All Star, Cycle 3 winner Eva Pigford, is there to cover the night’s challenge and is embodying Halle Berry’s X-Men character with that white hair of hers. She starts by asking the hard-hitting questions about what separates each model’s smell from the others. Laura chimes in first and says her scent is sweet but very natural so you can say, “Why yes, (hair twirl) that IS my natural smell.” Lisa says her fragrance is called “Neon” because it’s just fun and she’s a Cali girl.

It’s bathtub time and the girls are getting their feet wet. Laura’s scent seemed to do really well while Kayla’s scent doesn’t seem to be representing “Free.” Lisa is getting the party started like Montell Jordan walked up in the house and started singing “This Is How We Do It.” She’s splashing around, getting people to dance with her and no one seems to care whether her scent is like a summer breeze or the night after a fraternity kegger. It’s all good.

No big shocker here: Bianca is the party police and ready to break up all the fun by wanting models to act like ladies. Like I said, I understand where she’s coming from, but there’s a time and a place for all of that and a show on the CW is not that place. She says, “Nigel knows not to mess with me.”

At the end of the night, Eva announced Lisa as the big winner. She not only gets to have her own fragrance, she also gets to stay for another week no matter how well her picture does in the overall challenge. I’m not mad about it; I actually like Lisa a lot more than other people seem to because even when she over-thinks the challenges, she always tries her best and stays true to herself. OK, that’s as nice as I will probably get so enjoy it while you can.

For this week’s picture challenge, Jay Manuel finally lets his queen flag fly as he explains how the ladies are going to be driven via motorcycle all over Hollywood. The challenge? Oh, this is rich. They’re supposed to be channeling the outrageous personalities of reality TV stars like Snooki and Nene Leakes. This show is giving me whiplash with all of this reality TV stuff. Make up your damn mind because poor Alexandria doesn’t know what to do with herself now that she was just told not to portray “Reality TV Star” only to have to portray “Reality TV Star” in this challenge. I guess she should’ve added some pickle juice to her fragrance.

Kayla is ready to get buck wild with this challenge. She hops up on one of the other contestants and does a little “ride ’em cowgirl” on their lap. Shannon says she’s too good for watching Jersey Shore and so this shoot is going to be difficult for her because she won’t know their mannerisms. Come on Shannon, just pretend you’re Paula Deen and you found a great sale on butter at Costco. Done and done.

Laura steps up to the motorcycle first and is sporting a short brunette wig that I don’t find particularly unattractive. The fur on her shoulders is a bit cheap hooker but other than that, she makes a bangin’ Nene.

Kayla says she was trying to give the camera a little “Snooki in the face and model in the body,” which I’m really not sure is a good idea considering, well, Snooki’s face. The photographer was more concerned with Kayla’s lack of attention span thanks to a bunch of onlookers shouting things and trying to get their own camera time. I’m sorry to say it, but this might be our little lesbian’s last hurrah – which is even more disappointing because I’m sure the Dykes on Bikes would’ve really enjoyed hanging her picture up in their garages.

Angelea doing her Nene impersonation was somehow mistaken for Tyra – which I find hysterical.

Lisa was also given Nene to channel but having never watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta, says she didn’t know who she was. Bianca forgot how much she hates Lisa for a second and tried to give her pointers.

Jay ends up being super impressed by Lisa’s performance. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it kind of looks like they darkened her skin kind of like the weirdness they did with the Michael Jackson challenge. What in Al Jolson’s name are they doing this season? I guess the darker the berry, the sweeter the spoof?

Allison and Dominique try their luck with Snooki’s look and do pretty well. Allison actually got to wear a dress that was also worn by Snooki and I’m hoping that thing was dry cleaned at least five times and maybe given the black light test before she put it on her body for this.

Bianca and Shannon had to act like the little meatball from the Jersey Shore next but only Bianca had the bright idea to request a gigantic jar of pickles to use as her prop and she won’t share the pickles with anyone else, including Allison who just wanted one to eat.

Well, it turns out Bianca’s choice to be a pickle hoarder wasn’t a good one because her shots started looking a little phallic. Once Jay gets her to put the pickles down, she gets a few boring shots in.

Alexandria’s Nene shoot was alright but she only had one neck-wagging and finger-waving move.

Shannon – well, I’m sure you all know Shannon’s shoot was more Zzzznooki than Snooki.

The following day at panel, Kathy Griffin joined the panel from out of nowhere. I love her but I’m really not sure why she’s there.

When it came to the overall looks of the photos, all of the Nene impersonators did a fantastic job and Lisa’s was my favorite. The Snooki ladies didn’t fare as well as the others. Kayla looked a bit dead in the eyes. Bianca was bland and when she tried to defend her attitude to Nigel during the fragrance challenge, Tyra had to snap her back to the reality that she isn’t Beyonce and is just starting to make a name for herself. Meanwhile, Shannon is reminded once again that she is a big old bore.

After the judges have chosen who is going home, we find out it’s a double elimination ya’all! Thank goodness! I mean, I love coming back every week for all of you, but my cat, Mr. Lacroix, stares at me with judgment in his eyes every time I turn this show on.

The night’s top photo goes to Lisa.

The bottom three girls included Shannon, Kayla and Bianca. The girl they picked to stay in the house ended up being Shannon. Shoot me now. Bianca, it’s been real. Farewell Kayla, you gave it a good go. Thank you for bringing some positivity to lesbians being represented on reality television.

So, we’ve got Allison, Laura, Alexandria, Dominique, Shannon, Lisa and Angelea left in this competition. Next week the girls will be singing and making their own music videos. I might need to restock my booze shelf for this one. What did you think of episode six? What would your personal fragrance mixture be? I’m not gonna lie, mine would probably be a mixture of Cazadores tequila and lime.

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