Jane Lynch guest stars on a super gay episode of “Two and a Half Men”

Back in January, I resolved to make 2011 my Year of Jane Lynch. I read her book in one sitting, I tuned in for every second of the Emmys, and I’ve watched every episode of every TV show she’s starred or guest-starred on. But can you even imagine my dismay when I found out she was returning to her role as Dr. Freeman on last night’s Two and a Half Men?

I knew I had to watch, despite the pleas from my AfterEllen.com colleagues. “No, Heather, don’t do it!” said Dorothy Snarker. “Love means never having to say I’m sorry I made you watch Two and a Half Men.” While Ali Davis advised me to “DVR it and fast forward with your eyes shut! You can have a non-English-speaking friend tell you to stop when Jane is on. Then start fast-forwarding again the second like she even looks like she might leave the set.”

But tune in I did, and it’s a good thing because the whole episode was stupidly gay.

Apparently the premise of Two and a Half Men is: Ashton Kutcher‘s got a big knob. Kutcher (Walden) walks around naked waving that thing around for the first ten minutes of the show, and then Jon Cryer (Alan) convinces him to visit a therapist (Lynch!) to work out his issues about his divorce. Lynch is always great, of course: She swindles Walden into double sessions of therapy four times a week by convincing him that his marriage didn’t work because he married his mom. He hugs her when he leaves and she goes, “Hmm — maybe I’m not gay,” which is dumb on about six different levels, but not the dumbest gay joke of the night, so I guess we’ll let it slide.

At a bar after a movie, Walden and Alan bump into an androgynous, power-suited gal named Dani whom Walden thinks looks just like his ex-wife. (He’s right: They’re both played by Judy Greer.) He tries to pick her up, and finally she’s like, “I guess I’m just going to have to spell it out for you!” And she kisses the girl she’s with. Walden goes, “Well, I guess I’m just going to have to spell it out for you!” And he kisses Alan. You know, the ol’ straight dudes acting like gay dudes to pick up lesbian ladies trope.

They bring the girls home, which Alan assumes is a clever ploy to get them drunk enough that they’ll “flip to team penis.” Walden punches him in the penis and explains how offensive that statement is. JUST KIDDING! Walden leaves Kiki and Alan alone so he can hang out with Dani some more and keep pretending he’s gay. He says he knew he was gay when he started letting his GI Joes make out with each other, and Dani says she knew she was gay when she fashioned a strap-on for one of her barbies out of a unicorn horn. (Only funny joke of the whole night!) Walden finally comes clean about how he just wanted to hang out with Dani because she looks like his ex-wife. She’s cool with it until he starts leering at her breasts. Then she shuts him down.

Oh, ho! But what’s going on back inside with Kiki and Alan? Just the most offensive bisexual stereotype in all the world! Alan says he swings both ways. Kiki says she swings both ways too. And so they make out. Never mind that Kiki is in a relationship. Bisexuals will do anything, so bisexuals will do anything, am I right? Hahaha! Isn’t that hilarious? Luckily, Dani walks in and beats the actual s–t out of Alan. Like, she literally breaks his nose. I’m just going to pretend she was beating the s–t out of that storyline.

Two and a Half Men‘s foray into gay wasn’t super offensive. I mean, as a person who enjoys well-written television, it offended my senses. But gay-wise, it wasn’t homophobic or anything. Alan didn’t gay panic when Walden kissed him, which, when you consider this show’s target audience, is probably revolutionary. Dani didn’t jump into bed with Walden. That whole “flipping lesbians to team penis” thing was lame, but the entire show is lame, so it was just doing what it does, I guess.

However, I am adding an amendment to my Year of Lynch: I will follow that woman down any path — unless that path is populated by prancing peckers.

Did any of you guys catch Two and a Half Men?

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