Brace yourselves: It was ’80s Week. I’m still drained and trembling. And the costumers are collecting on what must have been some amazing wagers.
As always, I will divide the night’s performances into handy categories.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff danced the samba to Gloria Estefan’s "Conga." I always think of Estefan’s music as the ghosts of dead songs that were maybe funky six lifetimes ago, but Martinez and Smirnoff once again did a stellar job.
SCORE: 28. I think at least one of those nine scores was a sneaky lowball to leave room for the usual frontrunners to sneak in, but that didn’t so much work. Martinez and Smirnoff are in the lead. And alone in this category.
The Flawed Beauties
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough danced the foxtrot to "Easy Lover," a song that I had successfully forgotten about until that moment. So many years of hard work down the drain.
Hough and Lake were good, but not their usual polished selves, and the judges took umbrage at the part where they added an ’80s dance move into ’80s Week. It’s like this show is trying to give me a brain aneurysm.
David Arquette and Kym Johnson tangoed to "Tainted Love." And you know what? I liked them — even though they were dressed as Evening Magic Madonna and Edward Scissorhands.
Hope Solo and Maksin Chmerkovskiy led off the night tangoing to "Livin’ on a Prayer." They did well and got stupid comments from the judges that we’ll get to in tomorrow’s SnapCap. The important thing is that try as they might, the costume designers still cannot break Hope Solo. They started her off dressed in the coat that the evil queen from Snow White wears to S&M clubs and then switched her to Madonna from "Borderline," but Solo stood strong and danced well. Hold the line, Hope!
Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer were delightful again this week. They performed a samba to "Get Down on It," and holy Kool & the Gang, are they a treat to watch. Chaz is charming and he and Lacey seem to have a great time together.
SCORE: 21 (Secret Watchability Score: 8,967,256)
Carson Kressly and Anna Trebunskaya danced their way into everyone’s hearts with "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" and if you haven’t seen it yet, I don’t want to spoil the rest.
God, I love them so much. We need to have them declared a national treasure and dispatch them to areas in need of cheer and wonder. They are the only ones who have sussed out what this show is and are just going for maximum grins. Keep going, you magnificent bastards. The world needs your spirit.
SCORE: 19 (Secret Watchability Score: 11,398,862)
The Evil from Beyond Space and Time that Has Come to Destroy Us All
Nancy Grace ruined Spandau Ballet’s "True" to the extent that you should pull your car over if it comes on the radio; you may actually start to weep blood. Her partner, Tristan MacManus, did nothing to stop her. He has a lot to answer for.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke performed a rumba to Lionel Richie’s "Hello," and Rob is still creepy and the costumers still hate him.
SCORE: 25 That would be a point ahead of Solo and Chmerkovskiy. I’m going to hope that my neighbors thought I was chanting "Ball pit! Ball pit!"
Anyway, Rob and Nancy are still horrible and we just have to wait until tonight to see if we managed to knock one of them off the air.
I will gather my strength by dancing the rumba to the collected works of Adam Ant.
You, too, should go forth and dance.