Listen up, lesbians. Yes, you. I know you’re under that pile of blankets, sobbing and gnashing your teeth like you have been every day for the past six weeks. But it’s time to get up and get showered and get your game face on because Pretty Little Liars is back, baby! Wednesday night, the Greatest Show Of Our Time returns with its super-special Halloween episode. And that’s not hyperbole. I’ve seen it four times and I can assure you that it is both super and special. And here’s why:
1) “The First Secret” is Genesis — Every religion has an origin story, and this is Pretty Little Liars‘. The episode takes place an entire year before the pilot episode, which means that Alison is alive and kicking and being the worst without that flashback filter. It also means that Jenna has fully functioning eyeballs, Emily hasn’t come to terms with her raging homosexuality, and Mona hasn’t embraced her inner Regina George.
2) Emily has never been hotter — I’m not kidding. Some of you guys are going to need to be borne away to your fainting couches and revived with smelling salts when you see her bebopping around in her Indian princess costume.
3) Alison wasn’t the first girl Emily had eyes for — In fact, the original conduit for Emily’s gayness is such an awesome surprise that I paused my screener to clap and laugh for ten full minutes when it happened.
4) The whole episode is a loyalty reward — If you’ve been following PLL since the beginning, “The First Secret” has so many inside jokes and callbacks that you’ll need to watch it a dozen times to pick up on them all. Marlene King penned this one, and she’s my favorite showrunner in the history of the world because she loves her characters and her stories even more than the fans. She knows these guys inside and out, and it’s an absolute pleasure to watch her tease and titillate.
5) It’s Pretty Little Liars and it’s Halloween — Which equals: Creepy as hell! I don’t mind telling you I couldn’t walk my dogs at dark by myself for a whole week after I watched. No one is A! Everyone is A! Whatever you do, don’t turn out the lights!
“The First Secret” airs Wednesday at 8 P.M. on ABC Family. As always, I’ll have your full recap the next day. Are you excited fo the Halloween special?