Gay Girl’s Goggles: “Charlie’s Angels” SnapCap (1.04)

When only four percent of scripted TV shows feature LGBT characters, what’s a gay girl to do? Why, strap on your gay goggles and watch TV along with us, of course! Our handy appraisal scale is better than any old letter grade. Other sites A+. We say, “What about our lezzy-lady feelings?”

My goodness, that was a solid hour of television. I mean, yeah, it seems like the only crimes these writers — is it rude that I still haven’t learned their names? — have ever heard of are “kidnapping ladies and selling them into forced labor,” but the dialogue was tighter and the plot was more suspenseful and the action was was KAPOW-ier. Is this show actually growing? I think maybe so, you guys.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

Dorothy Snarker emailed me yesterday, all, “So, should I put Charlie’s Angels in my DVR or …?” Because apparently Minka Kelly is going to be making out with Rachael Taylor in an upcoming episode. On the one hand, I’m like, Good Lord, Sweeps-week titillation already?! But on the other hand, Minka Kelly somehow manages to have chemistry with even brick walls, so what are you going to do? It’s something about the openness of her gaze and the way the camera hugs her face. Last night, I thought she wanted to make out with Kate some more, with the girl they rescued, and for one shining moment, I thought she wanted to kiss me on the mouth. That’s some top-notch bait right there.

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS

Apparently we’re going to get flashbacks into all the Angels’ pasts as this show continues to find its feet. So far the only exciting backstory was Eve’s dirty cop thing. Her affair with the Old Spice guy was booooring. And last night’s Bosley-thon kept me in a state of prolonged yawning. (Even though it did provide the absolute WORST line of dialogue ever to be spoken aloud on television.) The thing about backstories is they’re supposed to make us care more about the characters. But it’s not working for me. The things that make me feel the feelings — and I don’t mean a Pants Party feeling — are the Angels’ relationships with one another. That’s half my investment in this show: girl friends. Without it, everything feels stale.

GRRL POWER

Like I said, the action gets better and better every week! And it always catches me off guard! I could be rolling around on the floor cackling about whatever just came out of whomever’s mouth, and then out of nowhere, it’s like a wushu warrior beat-down up in there and I’m on my feet pumping my fists in the air. The prison break was my favorite from last night. Three unarmed ladies taking down like a dozen burly guards? Yes, please! I also really loved when Bosley walked into that hooker party with a machine gun and started handing out weapons willy-nilly without anyone noticing. Plus two high-intensity stand-offs and Eve sacrificing herself for the good of humanity. Nice, nice, nice.

EYE ROLLS OF EPIC EPICNESS

How about when Eve and Kate got themselves tossed into the hole and the guards were like, “No talking in there!” My roommate laughed so hard she almost hurt herself: “Apparently, you’re international drug dealers who start prison-yard fights on purpose! And now you’re on no-talk!” And also how about the whole plot hinging on some random entrepreneur who was creating New Cuba by kidnapping pretty American girls and whoring them out to shady businessmen? Seriously?

But nothing — ever in the history of the world — was as amazing as this little gem: “The last time I saw you, you were a hacker playboy who spent his days penetrating the walls of European banks, and spent his nights doing the same to European women.” Who talks like that? No one, that’s who. No one on this earth is ever like, “So how’s it going penetrating the walls of those European women?” a) That’s disgusting. And b) Have these writers ever heard people talking?

What did you think of “Angels in Chains”? And what about this news that Eve and Abby are going to do some snogging?

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