“The Real World: San Diego” recap: Episode 2

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The episode opens with the gang going on a surfing trip. Perhaps characterizing it as a “surfing” trip is a stretch. More accurately, they put on wetsuits, appear on camera with surfboards and do very little actual surfing. Barely any of them can stand upright. “I haven’t really done anything that I haven’t been good at,” says Zach, without irony. Moments later, the camera cuts to a clip of Zach flopping back-first into the water like a giant white bowling pin. Strike!

The only cast member who is able to keep her balance is Sam, who shows off by doing what appears to be a butch version of the hula — the bula — on the way to shore. “Surfing is one of those things that I can look back and say ‘I did for the Jacuzzi afterwards,’” quips Priscilla, which sums up the collective mentality of any given recent cast of The Real World.

As the roommates pile into the hot tub, Zach calls his best friend Carter to dish about the cast.

This is the Real World cast, according to Zach.

  1. Priscilla has fake tatas, so she’s cool.
  2. Alexandra is normal, so let’s move on.
  3. Ashley is really hot and really nice. Like, hot. And nice. At this point, I am going to quietly slip my left hand down the front of my shorts. Translation: “I want to bone Ashley.” (Zach, the crotch fondle did not go unnoticed.)
  4. Frank is bisexual, and therefore I can’t make casual use of the terms ‘gay’ and ‘homo’ anymore. This blows.
  5. I live with a roommate who does nuclear engineering. And yes, “nu-ku-lar” is totally a valid way of pronouncing nuclear.
  6. Sam is a girl, and she likes chicks. Huh huh. Dude. Cool.

Next, Zach shows off his feminine side. As the girls stand around him in the bathroom, he demonstrates how to use various exfoliants and deep cleansers as if he were peddling skin care products at Bliss. The girls don’t know what to make of it. Then he announces that he is going to shave his legs.

Ashley approves, saying she likes his “girly” side. Then again, she would approve of anything Zach-related at this point. If he were to run around the house with a push cart wearing a plastic Viking hat and a soiled burlap sack, she would probably face the camera with her girl next door smile and remark that she likes his crazy New York City homeless guy side.

Alexandra and Frank talk about Frank’s drunken rant. Frank apologizes, and Alexandra accepts the apology. They discuss Frank’s relationship with his parents, and he tells her that his father threw him out two weeks ago, calling him a “faggot.” This is one reason he snapped at the club when a stranger called him the f-word.

Next, Nate and Sam troll the beach for ladies. They roll up to a bunch of girls in bikinis. “Uh, what are you guys, uh, doin’ tonight,” says Nate. The girls laugh. Sam jumps in and gets a phone number. “Yes, I’m supposed to be [Nate’s] wingman, but sometimes you just gotta take ‘em all for you,” remarks Sam. “You gotta spit your game. He obviously didn’t spit harder.”

New BFFs Nate and Sam return to the house, where they find a stash of alarm clocks that look like pastel eyeballs. Sam discovers they can record their own alarms, so they decide to shriek messages into several of them and plant them in the girls’ room, where they will go off like time bombs at an ungodly hour. “This is awesome,” screeches Sam, as she and Nate start giggling uncontrollably like they just huffed nitrous from a canister of Redi-Whip.

A few hours later, in the middle of the night, the girls wake up to the beautiful serenade of howling plastic eyeballs. They stumble around in the most inefficient easter egg hunt ever recorded. As the shrieking continues in the next room over, Sam says, “Greatest day of my life so far.”

The gang goes to a club, where Ashley and Zach dance with each other. Nate finds a blonde named Dana, takes her on a walk on the beach, and they make out. Later, Nate and Frank chat a little about Dana, and it appears womanizer Nate has turned into whipped Nate. Nate stares into the distance, telling Frank he has nicknamed Dana “Baby Blue” because of her eyes.

Later, Alexandra gets on the phone with her boyfriend Byron, who tells her that he misses her. Alexandra tells Frank that the distance is putting a strain on her relationship with Byron. Frank tells the camera that Alexandra is telling him reasons why she and Byron could break up. Wait, hold on now. Did he miss this sentence? “It’s really really really important to me that [Byron] and I make it work,” says Alexandra.

Ah, Frank, love is blind, and sometimes it makes you deaf and dumb too. Like I told a friend the other week, “Love is blind. But sometimes there’s some serious Helen Keller s–t going on, except without the IQ points.” Sam and Nate need to take those little eyeball alarm clocks, plant them in Frank’s bed and wake him up at 4 am with repeated shrieks of, “SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU, DUMBASS!” If anything, it will cure him of the hiccups after a night of drinking.

Zach drives Nate to his date with Dana. Instead of leaving, though, Zach decides to hide behind the table behind Dana and make faces at Zach.

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