This was a difficult theme week, kids. The contestants had to do a dance in tribute to the most memorable year of their lives.
I know that’s supposed to make us all cradle the contestants to our bosoms, but for certain temperaments – I can’t think whose – that sort of thing only inspires crabbiness.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff did a rumba to Tim McGraw’s "If You’re Reading This" and got a standing ovation. It’s hard to remember that Martinez isn’t a ringer – he’s so good he just seems like one of the pros at times.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough danced a rumba to "Gravity," by Sara Bareilles.
SCORE: 27 They did a great job as usual, but I’m not sure I understand why they scored a point lower than Martinez and Smirnoff again this week. I’m also a little annoyed that I care.
Thank Terpsichore for Carson Kressly and Anna Trebunskaya. He was a breath of positive fresh air in the midst of all the heavy emotions, and even the judges liked their tango.
The Blah (Oh, all right. I suppose they were fine.)
Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani danced a rumba to Chynna’s own song, "Hold On." Which is exactly one step farther than you can take things before I start throwing bric-a-brac at the walls.
Score: 26 And there went the glass candlestick! I have got to get my hands on someone else’s bric-a-brac.
David Arquette and Kym Johnson danced the Rumba to "Ooh, Child" as David’s shirt flapped proudly in the breeze.
Chaz Bono is in trouble, y’all. He and Lacey Schwimmer danced a Rumba – clearly working around Chaz’s still-hurting knees – to a song that Sonny Bono wrote, "Laugh at Me." I couldn’t figure out why Chaz had clubbed and skinned a leopard, but then I realized that it was a tribute to Sonny’s old outfits. Don’t worry: Chaz takes it off really quickly.
Bonus: Lacey looks fantastic.
SCORE: 18 Even with Chaz on the injured list, that was a pretty serious lowball. The crowd booed in agreement with me. I hope you voted like you meant it.
The Eye Candy
Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas danced a Samba to "Crazy in Love." And illustrated the fact that sexy can tip over into creepy really easily if you’re pushing it too hard. Oh, Kristin. Just be yourself.
I feel guilty that I keep putting Hope Solo and Maksin Chmerkovskiy in this category, but in my defense she keeps dancing just a little below the level of the top competitors and holy penalty kicks, what is she wearing this week?!
SCORE: 24 Also Hope may have won custody of some sort of Old West saloon.
Rob Kardashian and his stupid tattoos and Cheryl Burke danced a foxtrot to "Fly Me to the Moon." Meh. We’ll get into why Rob stays in the Horror category in tomorrow’s recap.
Highlight: I’m pretty sure he almost took a header on the stairs. Lowlight: "almost."
SCORE: 24, which is complete and utter bunk. I guess the producers have decided he’s the only potential draw for straight teen girls. If that’s the case, look forward to an influx of straight teen girls on this site.
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus danced a waltz to "Moon River," which evidently empties into Humdrum Bay.
SCORE: 21 And if I find out you voted for her, I am coming to your home and telling you every last thing I find fascinating about monkeys and apes. My friends will confirm that this is no idle threat. And you will be sorry.
Now go forth and dance.