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“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “If Bitch Is Your Brand You Can Succeed In Reality Television”

I’m not going to play, last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model made me want this All Star cycle to be over with quickness. Not only am I over trying to suspend my disbelief that most of these girls were the chosen as “All Stars,” but as of yesterday we found out Kelly Cutrone will be replacing Andre Leon Talley as a judge next season. Alright, I won’t postpone this any longer, let’s dive in.

As with the last two episodes, the girls are in the limo cab on their way back to the model house and are discussing the night’s elimination results. Lisa says she was surprised she won. I don’t know what kind of Toddlers and Tiaras thing she’s got going on with her hair in these interview clips, but it needs to go. 

The girls seem very surprised about Sheena’s sashay away and keep saying, “It’s anybody’s game.” Lisa in particular seems shocked and says, “They got rid of Brittany and Sheena, the biggest personalities in the house!” And I’m like, yeah, why the hell did they get rid of the people with big personalities? That’s all I’ve got going for me, so excuse my beauty.

Back at the house, Allison is talking to Lisa about feeling like an outcast and reminds me of Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. And she is, especially in her tie. Is it weird that I find her best-looking when she’s wearing that animal thing on her head?

The following morning, the front door opens and someone comes through the front door and says hello. All the

models seem to be getting their panties in a bunch by asking who it is but seeming as though they know exactly who it is. Dominique keeps saying, “Are you for real? No way, it couldn’t be.” So I’m thinking (and really hoping) at this point that Janice Dickinson was back. We cut to the fierce intro and I have no clue who it could be.

When we get back from commercial, I am only slightly let down. Our mystery guest is Kristin Cavallari from seasons 1 & 2 of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and the Oscar-winning straight to DVD film, Van Wilder: Freshman Year. Most recently, I know her as the ex-fiance of Jay Cutler, quarterback for my hometown Chicago Bears. Truthfully, I watched Laguna Beach because of her. She was portrayed as my favorite kind of bitch, the ones who tell the truth and also aren’t afraid to have ugly friends. (There were a few.)

Kristin was there to teach them how to deal with the haters. Ok, I can see where she might have some experience with that. Since her time on reality television, she says she is now producing reality television AND she has a shoe line. She says you can make a good living and positive things can come out of being known as the bitch. She then teaches them the fundamentals of how to market your brand, how to use emerging social media technologies to grow your influence and how to perform arthroscopic surgeries while doing a beer bong. I’m having a hard time taking this seriously.

Tyra Mail comes and it’s raining outside. They arrive at The Grove, which I guess is like a mall with a small trolley where they shoot Extra.  They are greeted by the gorgeous Mr. Nigel Barker who is looking more and more British and Mr. Burns-ish this season.

Again, he talks about how their personal brand is going to be so important. So important, that it could land them a position as a host on Extra. Poop on a stick, I forgot my nemesis Mario Lopez is in this episode.

The challenge this week is different than most: Lisa and Bre get to pick two teams of girls since they were the top pictures last week (and I still can’t get over that). One by one they call out names and my girl, Kayla, the lesbian gets picked last. Don’t these bitches know we’re good at team sports? Whoever the winning team is gets immunity at the judge’s table this week.

I guess each girl is judged separately based on how well they answer some of life’s toughest questions from Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, A.C. Slater. 

Lisa is the first one up for her team and Mario did some of the best acting of his career when his question was based around her getting a lot of press after her cycle of ANTM. She answered it in what I would consider a very “Lisa” type of way, which speaks to her brand in my eyes but apparently it wasn’t good enough for whoever is in charge of the sound effects.

Isis goes next and the subject of her transition is, of course, the topic of conversation. Am I wrong about feeling as though they’re trying to throw a certain brand on Isis? Homegirl just wants to sell her positive message, her drive to succeed and some of her homegrown fashion. We get it, she was born different, now let’s move on to her pictures and talent as a model. There’s no need to pat yourself too hard on the back for having her there, TyTy. Isis answers well, but I’m honestly not even sure what she could’ve said to be given a whammy.

Lisa, trying to be the team leader, started giving everyone high-fives for their answers. This annoyed Nigel, Mario and most of the girls on her team, but the worst part was when she stepped in on Alex’s turn to answer a question from the audience about being a bitch.

Kayla got a question from the audience about not wanting to be photographed being all romantic with a male model. We see a flashback and hear her crying about not wanting to kiss the dude but I didn’t see the actual show to know if she really had to kiss him or fake kiss him. There’s a big difference, and I learned that from Pretty Woman. She ended up giving a satisfactory answer to whoever controls the buzzer though so that’s good!

Nigel comes out to share his feelings about the challenge, and immediately Lisa is called out for talking over someone else’s turn and giving high fives. Angelea didn’t sell her brand of awesome hood-ness to Nigel, she was too boring and forgettable. To her credit, she was trying to be professional, as though it were a job interview. Let’s be honest. For job interviews, especially when you’re a model but definitely for anywhere else, you need to think of your client’s brand first and how you fit into that client’s brand second.

As for Team 2, Bianca talked about vomit too much. Allison was great and on-point, Kayla was eloquent and represented her brand well but was told there isn’t just one word or one facet to her brand. Once again, I am getting confused and just like I don’t take job advice from Ashlee Simpson, I don’t think I’m going to start taking branding advice from America’s Next Top Model.

The team challenge winner is: number two! The overall winner is: Allison. See, here’s the deal. I could see Allison’s answer as being the best and I can see how she’s a great model. I do not see her shooting the breeze with Mario Lopez or interviewing anyone about the latest Kardashian scandal. She’s psyched about it though and I’m happy for her.

On the way back home, Alexandria starts talking about how she needs to embrace her toughness. Are there any Days of Our Lives fans out there? Her new look is making me think of Nicole, the one who tried to kidnap Cydney. (My girlfriend makes me watch, I swear).  Angelea tells her she doesn’t need to act any which way and is visibly upset. Even though I am not a big fan, I can understand why she’d be upset about getting called out for being too professional during her interview. The mixed messages are making my brain feel like my cat licked it and coughed it back up as a hairball.

Kayla weighs in and says Angelea needs a check up from the neck up, sometimes she’s too mean and unpredictable to be a co-host on Extra. She ends up being proven correct in the next shot where Angelea “acts all hood” while saying she’s not gonna act like a hood bitch just because that’s who they expect her to be. “I know how to work myself, bitch,” is not a line-listed item you add to your resume. She’s all, “You want hood, bitch, watch,” and I’m not even sure who she’s talking to because all of the other models seem to be keeping their mouths shut in order for her to put the nail in her own coffin.

Later that night, Tyra Mail comes and references some long legs. Immediately, most of the models think of spiders. Some get freaked by it, but Allison would be loving life if that were the challenge

When the girls finally find out what they’ll be doing, everyone looks shocked but Bianca looks terrified. The girls will be doing this challenge on cankle-stilts. I have problems with kitten heels so this looks more painful to me than sitting through a movie starring Larry the Cable Guy.

Each girl is paired with someone from the other team for this challenge and the photographer is Sarah Silver, who took some photos during Angelea’s cycle. She wants them to be fashion models and really “go there.” 

Bianca is afraid of heights and is trying to wrap her head around being on the stilts. Lisa ends up being her partner and is trying to psych her up for being badass because it’s Lisa’s head on the chopping block.

Kayla looks the hottest I’ve seen her so far this season and she is paired with Dominique who looks pretty fierce herself. For me, the poses started off nicely but according to Jay Manuel and Kayla, Dominique wasn’t changing up her facial expressions or poses enough.

Camille and Isis are paired together and Camille says she can’t let a transgender person beat her at something she feels people born with vaginas should excel at. I am so sick of this topic already, it should be a non-issue when it comes to the actual modeling. 

Bianca has a panic attack and Lisa really does a great job of being a team player and trying to get her in the game. It didn’t work at first but in the end they came out with some really nice pictures.

Bre and Laura work together and their moves look great, like, even sexy! I don’t know what it is about Laura this season but she is oozing sex. I feel like every time she looks at Nigel she’s about to pounce.

Next up, Alexandria and Shannon do a battle of the blondes. Jay Manuel gets a little catty with Shannon about how she’s feeling ok in such a revealing wardrobe (why did they bring her back unless it was to see her crying about the skimpy clothing again?). She says she’s totally fine because it’s a bathing suit and she checked it beforehand because she knew he would ask. I still don’t understand her logic but that’s ok, that’s not why we’re here.

Alexandria’s new look is making me think differently of her. Maybe having the wrong haircut all those years turned her into an icy bitch and the right pair of layering shears was the key to warming her heart. Her poses were great but she starts to go over the top and ends up being too dramatic for Jay Manuel and for Sarah Silver.

At the judge’s table, Tyra is channeling Michael Jackson again with her black on red ensemble and totally works those suspenders. Isis gets dressed like the Black Swan and I need to pause for a minute to go watch Ms. Black Swan because that will never get old.

All of the judges, but especially Andre Leon Talley, are so excited by this shoot because it’s so different. 

Shannon and Alexandria’s photo goes over well and I thought it was really hot.

Angelea actually did a nice job of calmly confronting Nigel and asking him what he wants from her. Tyra talks about the SNL parody of her, which she thought was hilarious.

Angelea and Allison’s photo is weaker than the last one but we get to learn all about “Booty Tooching.” It’s so easy, even Kristin Cavallari can do it!

They were “meh” about Kayla and Dominique’s photo and gave Dominique more props than Kayla. It’s really a shame though because when I went back through the footage of the show, it seemed like Kayla was trying a lot of different poses but they ended up choosing the most boring one in which Kayla suffers from lack of tooching.

Nigel asks Lisa if she ever takes photos with her legs together. She and Bianca end up having a great picture together. Laura and Bre were fantastic in my opinion and had one of the most interesting shots out of the group. Those two have really grown into something beyond their ANTM characters. 

When the models leave, the judges talk trash. They don’t see “Free” in Kayla’s picture and they want to see more smizing, be it a small smize or a bug-eyed crazy smize, in her face. I’d like to throw in a penalty flag on this play because there was nothing nice or even smizey about Tyra’s bug-eyed crazy smize example.

Ms. Banks says she loves Alexandria for being in her big forehead clan. They wanted Isis to take more risks other than tights, but Tyra commends her for, “Finally being herself and being like ‘Bam! so what?'” Exactly my point.

They loved Lisa’s shot, they didn’t care so much for Angelea’s but Nigel said he was impressed with the way she confronted him and asked him questions.

When the judges have their decision, Tyra comes out to say she’s been wondering why she love these shots so hard, and realized it’s because these girls are the All Stars. You can’t see me, but my eyes rolled so hard I almost lost a contact. 

Best photo of the night goes to Allison on the safe team. Thanks to her, we also get to put “Tooch” in our Tyra-to-English Dictionary. Camille gets worst photo from their group.

Alexandria and Lisa get best photos of the night for the team on the chopping block. Isis and Angelea are the bottom two pictures and I am not happy.

My exact response to last night’s final decision: OH MOTHER BITCHES, seriously? Isis is going home? She gave more interesting poses and flavor than most of the other girls.

Next week’s episode looks like it’ll be a doozy. The girls audition for an episode of CSI and Kayla gets violently ill. Are you as disappointed in last night’s episode as I am?

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