“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “If Bitch Is Your Brand You Can Succeed In Reality Television”

I’m not going to play, last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model made me want this All Star cycle to be over with quickness. Not only am I over trying to suspend my disbelief that most of these girls were the chosen as “All Stars,” but as of yesterday we found out Kelly Cutrone will be replacing Andre Leon Talley as a judge next season. Alright, I won’t postpone this any longer, let’s dive in.

As with the last two episodes, the girls are in the limo cab on their way back to the model house and are discussing the night’s elimination results. Lisa says she was surprised she won. I don’t know what kind of Toddlers and Tiaras thing she’s got going on with her hair in these interview clips, but it needs to go. 

The girls seem very surprised about Sheena’s sashay away and keep saying, “It’s anybody’s game.” Lisa in particular seems shocked and says, “They got rid of Brittany and Sheena, the biggest personalities in the house!” And I’m like, yeah, why the hell did they get rid of the people with big personalities? That’s all I’ve got going for me, so excuse my beauty.

Back at the house, Allison is talking to Lisa about feeling like an outcast and reminds me of Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. And she is, especially in her tie. Is it weird that I find her best-looking when she’s wearing that animal thing on her head?

The following morning, the front door opens and someone comes through the front door and says hello. All the

models seem to be getting their panties in a bunch by asking who it is but seeming as though they know exactly who it is. Dominique keeps saying, “Are you for real? No way, it couldn’t be.” So I’m thinking (and really hoping) at this point that Janice Dickinson was back. We cut to the fierce intro and I have no clue who it could be.

When we get back from commercial, I am only slightly let down. Our mystery guest is Kristin Cavallari from seasons 1 & 2 of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and the Oscar-winning straight to DVD film, Van Wilder: Freshman Year. Most recently, I know her as the ex-fiance of Jay Cutler, quarterback for my hometown Chicago Bears. Truthfully, I watched Laguna Beach because of her. She was portrayed as my favorite kind of bitch, the ones who tell the truth and also aren’t afraid to have ugly friends. (There were a few.)

Kristin was there to teach them how to deal with the haters. Ok, I can see where she might have some experience with that. Since her time on reality television, she says she is now producing reality television AND she has a shoe line. She says you can make a good living and positive things can come out of being known as the bitch. She then teaches them the fundamentals of how to market your brand, how to use emerging social media technologies to grow your influence and how to perform arthroscopic surgeries while doing a beer bong. I’m having a hard time taking this seriously.

Tyra Mail comes and it’s raining outside. They arrive at The Grove, which I guess is like a mall with a small trolley where they shoot Extra.  They are greeted by the gorgeous Mr. Nigel Barker who is looking more and more British and Mr. Burns-ish this season.

Again, he talks about how their personal brand is going to be so important. So important, that it could land them a position as a host on Extra. Poop on a stick, I forgot my nemesis Mario Lopez is in this episode.

The challenge this week is different than most: Lisa and Bre get to pick two teams of girls since they were the top pictures last week (and I still can’t get over that). One by one they call out names and my girl, Kayla, the lesbian gets picked last. Don’t these bitches know we’re good at team sports? Whoever the winning team is gets immunity at the judge’s table this week.

I guess each girl is judged separately based on how well they answer some of life’s toughest questions from Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, A.C. Slater. 

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