We said we wanted more character development. We said we
wanted the writers to focus on the core characters. We said we wanted
continuity. We said we wanted everything to be so queer it was like unicorns,
Judy Garland, rainbows, and Pride flags all rolled up into one and
spray-painted with glitter all over McKinley High.
We said the writers and producers of Glee would never give us those things.
We were wrong.
Welcome to “I Am Unicorn,” my darlings.
The gay begins with Brittany,
fresh-faced and Cheerio’d, informing Kurt
that she thinks he’s fabulous and loves everything he does. So much so that she
wants to run his campaign for student body president.
“Out of all the kids in the school,” she tells
him, “I think you are the biggest unicorn.”
“I’m sorry?” Kurt says, totally confused. (Kurt:
Just roll with it.)
“Well, when a pony does a good deed, he grows a horn
and he becomes a unicorn, then he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he’s
magical, and then his horn falls off. And black unicorns, they become
“Oh,” Kurt says. “That’s a terrifying
“No, it’s not,” Brittany says. “No, okay, no, the point
is, a unicorn is somebody who knows
they’re magical and isn’t afraid to show it. You went through hell last year,
and you never forgot how special you were. And I slept with a lot of people and
I’m really popular so I think I can get you mega-votes.”
Since no one can resist Brittany, Kurt’s in.
Cutting to the choir room, first I’m so distracted by Blaine‘s
pink bow tie I can hardly focus on what’s happening. When I do, it’s to find
out Vocal Adrenaline came in second at Nationals, and Dustin Goolsby (Cheyenne
Jackson, who was woefully under-used last season in the role) was fired as
“That’s the only good thing to come out of that lost
weekend,” Finn says, then, when
Rachel jabs him, “Except us
getting back together.”
Ummm, did Artie
say Dustin Goolsby was “so handsome”? And did Mike say he finds Kurt’s shimmying “distracting”? Is the
entire Glee Club going gay in front of my eyes?
Mr. Schue tells
the kids this is their chance to make up for the year before, so he’s going to
be holding mandatory “booty camp” workouts after school for those
students whose dancing could use a little help. He singles out Finn, Puck, Mercedes, and Kurt… Kurt? Really?
Kurt feels the same way and objects, at which Mike does a
little imitation and mini-critique of Kurt’s dancing style that’s hysterically
funny and just a little bitchy. I like seeing more of Mike Chang this season.
And we’ll be seeing even more – he’ll be helping Mr. Schue with the Booty Camp.
Which I devoutly hope is the name of next year’s Glee reality show.
in that pink bow tie, a persistent affectation this season that has me longing
for his Warbler outfit, asks humbly if he can join the remedial dance class so
he can spend more time with his hunny bunny. I mean, so he can catch up with
the rest of the kids.
Since Mr. Schue won’t be directing the musical – West Side Story – this year, the kids
want to know, who is? Turns out it’s Emma,
Coach Beiste, and Artie. Okay, then.
Artie at first demurs, but Tina reminds him that directing is his dream. I kind of liked the
memories of Tina and Artie that brought back. I want them back together even
though he and Brittany broke up and I don’t have to wish harm on him anymore.
So, guess who strolls into the teacher’s lounge? Shelby Corcoran (Idina Menzel), Rachel’s birth mother,
the adopter of Puck and Quinn‘s
baby, and the former coach of Vocal
Adrenaline! Turns out she’s been hired to start a second Glee Club at the
school at the request of, and paid for by, the wealthy father of Sugar Motta (Vanessa Lengies), who didn’t
make the club in the season premiere due to the fact that she not only can’t
sing, she can’t even move her lips and sway quietly in the background.
promises not to poach the New Directions kids, but Will’s not worried about
that, he says. He’s worried about how hard having her there is going to be on
Rachel, Puck and Quinn.
Shelby says that for a while
she was trying to do the single mom thing in New York City,
but now she knows she has to make things right in Lima.
He says he’ll take her at her word, the more arts at the
school the better, and may the best Glee Club win.
“We will,” Shelby