Readers who are new to Dancing with the Stars like I am may be wondering if the show got less insane now that all the celebrities are up to speed.
No. No, it did not.
This show is so out of its mind I sometimes have to check in with myself and make sure it’s really happening. Case in point: This week’s theme was Costumes! Costumes! Costumes!
And our celebrity dancers learned one of the first and most important lessons you pick up as a theatre major: Do NOT piss off anyone in the costume department.
Once again, we will sort our 3,000 remaining dancers into handy categories.
Wow. J. R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff, dressed as Post-Apocalyptic UltraNewsies, gave a genuinely great performance. It was fun to watch and they were beautifully in sync. The crowd seemed to agree that it was the best performance of the night.
…And the judges acknowledged that the performance was an eye-popper and then low-balled them for stupid reasons. They scored the pair well, but not as high as they should have.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough danced the jive right into our hearts with a fun and wholesome jive number that GOOD LORD, THAT IS SOME EXPLICIT GRINDING!
You must admit: Lake is fun and is not afraid to commit. Nards to the wall, Ricki. Well done.
Hope Solo and Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Hope Solo’s midriff danced the jive and seemed to have a lot of fun with it. Solo was by no means perfect, but was good at seamlessly pulling it back when she realized she was off rhythm.
Try to ignore the fact that Solo is wearing high-heeled sneakers and hideous evil sentient knee pants that were conjured in the deepest pits of Hell and just appreciate what those pants are trying to do for you.
My mom’s evaluation of DWTS: “I don’t know why more straight men and lesbians aren’t watching this show. There’s a lot of T&A.”
SCORE: 19 The judges were cruel.
Carson Kressly and Anna Trebunskaya danced the quickstep dressed as a ’50s nerd and his ’50s date who is way too invested in being pretty to be a fellow nerd, so just stop right there, pal. Anyway, Carson is no technical genius, but he is delightful. I really hope he stays on the show for a while.
SCORE: 18 Blast!
Aw, poor Chaz Bono. He was adorable as usual, but had serious knee issues this week and was clearly fighting his way through pain for a lot of his quickstep. I hope y’all voted like you meant it. He and Lacey Schwimmer have a fun rapport. I’d love to see him stay and show what he can really do.
SCORE: 17 Uh-oh.
Goodness. David Arquette is intense, isn’t he? He dressed as Elvis with Less Taste and danced the jive with Kym Johnson.
SCORE: 18 A 6 and a 6 and a 6 again! Something tells me he’s staying in this week.
Oh, dear. Chynna Phillips is a beautiful woman who has given herself an L.A. disease I call creepyface. And gracious, has she ever infuriated someone in wardrobe. I think she and Tony Dovolani danced the jive, but I didn’t take in any of it. I was too busy trying to figure out if they made her wear a table decoration from the old Love Boat set or if she had been thrown into Belly Prison.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke danced to “Surfin’ Safari.” He wore a Hawaiian shirt! And pink saddle shoes! God, the costume designers hate him! Anyway, the judges went all twittery, but I thought that the only thing in the world he was less boring than was his own boring performance from last week.
It’s almost like he doesn’t have any particular talent for which one might reasonably put him on TV.
SCORE: 21 The hell?
The Eye Candy
Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas looked very good dancing the quickstep, but Cranky British Judge accurately pointed out that they looked good enough to make one gloss over the fact that they only danced OK.
Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy were immediately docked one million points for desecrating my favorite Pretenders song, but due to a technical glitch, that failed to register on the scoreboard. The judges loved their very hoppy quickstep.
Where do I even begin with Nancy Grace’s performance? I thought the hair extensions would be the most bizarre part, but I was woefully incorrect. She and Tristan MacManus danced a quickstep during which she did sort of OK in parts, but then in other parts she got all weird and still like parts of her brain were shutting down and then snapping back in.
… And East Coast viewers also know that Grace also had a wardrobe issue: One of her twins made a valiant attempt to escape. Can you blame it? Amazingly enough, the judges didn’t.
SCORE: 21 Unbelievable. That almost guarantees another week. I might need to rig some sort of Clockwork Orange setup.
See you tomorrow for the SnapCap. Go forth and dance.