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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.08): Maura kisses a boy and Jane doesn’t like it

I felt a great disturbance in the Gayzzoli last night, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. And those millions of voices were crying, “Wait, what? No gayzzoli before the opening credits?” Sorry, no gayzolli before the credits. Just a father and his grown son assaulted by an armed gunman who then kills the older man. What is this, a real crime show or something?

At Casa Isles-Rizzoli, Dr. Maura Isles is working late when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Ian. We don’t like Ian immediately. We don’t like Ian because as soon as Maura opens the door she jumps into his arms and they start making out. In fact, we hate Ian. That lucky bastard.

I think the only way we’re all going to make it through this episode is if we pretend Ian isn’t Ian at all, but Maura’s butch first girlfriend from college. In fact, if you squint and tilt your head you can totally see it. And, as we all know, our relationships with our first girlfriends are often complicated and unresolved. So, now it all makes sense. Also, from this point on Ian will be referred to only as That Lucky Bastard — because he is one.

At the crime scene, Det. Jane Rizzoli limps over to examine the body. She’s having a problem with her toe, but even Jane’s limping has swagger. Also, please note the convenient placement of her glove. Tucking your latex glove into the front of your chunky belt is kind of like Handkerchief Code for dummies.

Jane asks Korsak impatiently, “Where is Maura?” Korsak retorts, “Can’t do this without your BFF?” That’s LLBFF to you, buddy. And, no, clearly she cannot. Jane calls her confidential informant Rondo instead to get some scoop. You’ve got to admire Rondo’s gumption, calling Jane “Vanilla” and hitting on her openly. A for effort, F for any possibility of success.

Maura finally arrives, a little winded. When Jane asks where she had been, she replies “bed.” Well, that’s probably not technically a lie. They could have gone from the couch to the bed. Jane senses the disturbance in the Gayzzoli, and also notices Maura has on two different kinds of shoes — one back pump and one blue pump.

Maura makes an excuse about getting dressed in the dark. And then quickly deflects when she notices Jane’s limp. She says it’s because Jane buys her boots a half size too small — and stomps. Even after her unfortunate interlude with That Lucky Bastard, Maura manages to slip in a little quickie eye sex with Jane. I’ve got to give it to her: The woman has great stamina.

Back at Maura’s place, That Lucky Bastard is making morning tea. Come on, tea? I mean it, squint and tilt your head and that’s just a tall butch lesbian with a goofy haircut. They make googly eyes at each other and make out some more, but then are blessedly interrupted when Maura hears Jane’s mom coming. She tells That Lucky Bastard to say they’re just colleagues because she doesn’t want to have to explain why anyone who isn’t Jane is serving her hot beverages in the morning.

Mama Rizzoli knows what’s up immediately. And she doesn’t like it. But Maura, who is the Queen of Deflection today, switches the topic to discuss Mama R studying to become a professional organizer. And then somehow Maura’s immaculate home gets offered as a guinea pig for her organizing homework. Anything to distract from the giant not-Jane shaped thing standing in the middle of the kitchen, eh?

Jane’s informant Rondo has come through with a tip in the form of a dead junkie on a park bench. Jane tells Korsak that something is off. And she doesn’t just mean the dead guy – it’s that disturbance in the Gayzzoli again.

Jane limps into the medical examiner’s room and tells Maura she must be feeling better since her shoes match. Maura’s phone buzzes and she chuckles at a text. Jane asks her who it is and Maura gives her the old, “It’s not important.” Poor Jane is all, “But, but, only I text you things that make you chuckle. And other things that make you, um, do other stuff.”

Maura gets another text and quickly hides the phone in her pocket. Jane says she’s acting weird, which is code for “straight.” And then asks if she wants to get a coffee later. Maura says, no, she already had tea earlier. And then smiles. Jane limps away confused and a hurt. Let me unequivocally go on record here and say Team Coffee forever!

In the cafeteria, Mama Rizzoli clues Jane in on That Lucky Bastard spending the night. Jane’s face goes from surprised to deflated to covering for her deflation in a flash. She pretends Maura already told her all about it. Aw, poor Janey. But Mama R can sense the truth. The Gayzzoli is strong with this one.

Maura calls Jane to tell her about some nail salon residue she found on the victim. When her phone buzzes again Jane asks pointedly, “Is that Ian?” Maura says That Lucky Bastard is “just an old friend.” An old friend with benefits, which coincidentally is a new rom-com opening soon starring Justin Timberlake and Betty White.

Jane says Maura she doesn’t have to tell her and it’s none of her business. Maura says she wasn’t not telling her. Maura says That Lucky Bastard stopped by this morning. Jane says she heard he stopped by last night. And this, kids, is what we call a passive-aggressive couples fight.

Maura says he came to visit from Africa and “it’s complicated.” I don’t care what Facebook says, that is not a legitimate relationship status. Jane gets huffy and starts to leave muttering about not being able to help with Maura’s “complicated” love life. Maura’s phone buzzes, yet again, and Jane tells her she’ll leave her to read her love texts in private. Jealous Jane is my new favorite kind of Jane.

Maura tells her to wait and that it’s not a love text. She even shows her the phone. That Lucky Bastard has sent her a text in some African-sounding language which translates to, “Guess what we’d be doing if we were in Ethiopia right now?” Right, so I guess it really wasn’t a love text. That or it’s the worst sexting ever.

Maura texts back, with Jane standing there. Being ignored is not something Jane Rizzoli handles well, so she starts making outrageous statements to get Maura’s attention.

Jane: I killed Korsak with your scalpel.

Maura: [Nothing]

Jane: I contaminated all of your DNA samples.

Maura: [Nothing]

Jane: I snuck into your closet and I put all of your shoes in different boxes.

Maura: WHAT?

Yep, mention the closet and Maura freaks out immediately. I mean shoes, mention shoes and Maura freaks out immediately.

Maura apologizes and offers to look at Jane’s foot. Jane says she doesn’t think they’re close enough for that sort of thing anymore. But she relents and they proceed to take footsie to a whole other level. Maura says she has a severely ingrown toenail and needs a minor procedure. Jane tells Maura to do it. But then Korsak bursts in and ruins the moment.

Korsak, you’re supposed to be Jane’s wingman. Not cool, dude, not cool. Upon seeing Maura holding Jane’s foot, he says he’s not going to ask. Trust me, with all those late nights in the office he has seen more than just a little foot fondling between those two. He leaves them quickly with a knowing little giggle.

The victim’s son is checking out of the hospital against doctors orders. He’s in a hurry to pick up a mystery container for his family’s shipping business. Of course, this mystery pales in comparison to the mystery of what Maura finds attractive about That Lucky Bastard. Seriously, he’s a little goofy looking. And his hair is nowhere near as spectacular as Jane’s. Open your eyes, woman, open your eyes.

That night, Maura gets another knock on the door. This time it’s Jane. Maura asks, “What are you doing here?” Really, Maura, really? Jane’s mother lives at your house. Jane’s ex-con brother was living at your house. Jane practically eats every meal at your house. Jane watches sports at your house. Jane has slept over with you in your bed at your house. So, you know, that’s what Jane is doing at your house.

Jane says her toe is killing her and limps in, only to find That Lucky Bastard also there packing boxes. Seriously, moving boxes already? He is so a lesbian. Maura asks if Jane came over to check up on her. Uh, duh? Maura’s old friend with benefits offers Jane some wine, at which point you’d expect Maura to run in and give her a beer instead. But she doesn’t. You are losing some serious girlfriend point this week, missy. Good thing your hair still looks super shiny and pretty or I’d be super furious with you.

That Lucky Bastard offers to take a look at Jane’s toe. OK, hold the phone. Now Maura is letting other people touch Jane’s feet? I don’t care how shiny her hair it, that’s not right. And she’s even going to have her African visitor perform the procedure — with pruning shears. Jane is equally appalled and all, “But, but, only Maura touches my feet – and stuff.”

Afterward, they help Jane limp off. She can’t leave fast enough saying being there with them made her lose her appetite. You and every other lesbian watching, honey.

The next day Jane is working in the cafeteria when a gift basket arrives for Maura. It’s filled with two-buck Chuck and rolls of toilet paper. Wow, not only can That Lucky Bastard not sext properly, he’s rubbish at giving romantic gifts.

Because a mother always knows, Mama Rizzoli leans over and comforts her Janey. “It hurts your feelings that she’s not confiding in you…and sleeping with some schmuck who isn’t you.” Jane pretends it doesn’t bug her, but we all know better. Mama R says That Lucky Bastard seems charming, but is probably a criminal because he’s Australian and also not Jane. She is so rooting for Team Gayzzoli.

Jane sees Maura and sprints after her, bad toe and all. See, that’s love. Maura says the gift basket is a joke from their days doing relief work together in Ethiopia. Yeah, but it’s no fudge clusters.

Jane asks why she never told her about That Lucky Bastard before, but Maura says she did and Jane probably forgot. Wait, I thought Maura couldn’t lie? And then she leaves Jane standing all alone as she gets on the elevator. But, but, the elevator is their special place. Who is this person and what has she done with Dr. Maura Isles?

Jane leaves with Korsak to investigate the nail salon. Korsak complains about the nail fungus he picked up at another salon. The female co-owner sells him an enormous $112 bottle of some crazy solution she says will cure it. Jane teases him saying he’ll finally be able to wear his strappy sandals again. That’s just a little payback for interrupting her special foot time with Maura.

Meanwhile at Maura’s place, Mama Rizzoli is doing her best international super spy impression. She digs around and finds That Lucky Bastard has three passports, all under different last names. Maybe this is why he’s supposed to be Australian but sounds English instead.

At the forensics lab, Maura is sorting through the contents of the victim’s mystery container. No, not the spiky leather goods they found earlier. Though, considering we’ve already ventured into foot fetish territory, what’s another kink to add into the equation? But no, instead she is focused on the dead rats. If that’s a fetish, I don’t ever want to know about it.

A lab tech wheels in another cart full of boxes for Maura. They’re for That Lucky Bastard, much to Jane’s chagrin. I love how Jane says “Ian,” like an accusation. And then she flat-out makes an accusation: “What are you doing?” Yeah, what are you doing, Maura?

Maura asks why Jane is turning into “a snoopy dog?” Jane isn’t sure if she means Snoop Dogg or Peanuts’ Snoopy, but “either way, I’m insulted.” You know that Tori Amos song “China?” I can feel the distance, getting close. Heck, I can even see it.

The tests show the rats ingested pure heroin, just like the dead junkie. The heroin, in turn, was smuggled into the country on liquid-heroin soaked blankets from the shipping container. That is not any kind of security blanket I want near me. Also, should Jane be touching those with her bare hands? No glove, no love — or snugly blanket time.

As they’re bringing in the victim’s son, Jane gets frantically waved over by Mama Rizzoli. She tells Jane the spoils of her sleuthing, and that she thinks That Lucky Bastard is a spy. Jane says she shouldn’t have done that, but takes the information and has Interpol check it out. Jealous Jane means business.

Jane, Korsak and Frost leave to go on a stakeout. Jane says they should take Maura’s car, because Maura’s things are Jane’s things and Jane’s things are Maura’s things. Well, they were, before That Lucky Bastard showed up. Speaking of him, Korsak’s source finds out he is wanted for questioning by Interpol.

Oh, and I sure hope Rizzoli & Isles got paid a ton of money for their Beautiful Toyota product placement. Because the three of them piling out of that little Prius looked a tad like a clown car act.

The team tracks the victim’s brother back to the nail salon, where he is bringing a sack filled with of $2 million. For this troubles he gets shot in the chest by the female co-owner. Jane & co. burst in, guns blazing and takes her down with two shots to the chest. You know, I’m a pretty peace-loving kind of gal, but every time Det. Jane Rizzoli points a gun I become the world’s biggest Second Amendment fan.

The victim’s son is being blackmailed by the nail salon owners, who run a heroin trafficking business on the side. You know, mani, pedi, syringe full of horse — it’s a super full-service salon. They’ve kidnapped his wife and kid and are holding them ransom for the drug money. Maura discovers poultry mites on the arms of the female co-owner Jane popped, which means they’re probably using an empty poultry plant to process the heroin.

On the way out the door, Jane drops her bombshell neatly into Maura’s lap. That Lucky Bastard is really That Wanted for Questioning Bastard. Maura is taken aback at the thought that Jane is investigating her personal life. Honey, your girlfriend is a police detective. You’re lucky she hasn’t bugged your house.

Evildoers beware; Jane has officially deployed the Ponytail of Righteous Justice. They search the poultry plant, where Jane gets jumped by the male salon owner. I know it’s a life-and-death struggle and all, but I’m a little in appropriately jealous that this guy gets to slam Jane into a counter — twice. OK, so it’s not the good kind of slamming. But, still.

Jane gets the drop on him and Frost runs in to play clean up. Jane demands he tell her where the kidnapped family is in her sexy furious voice that makes me want to break laws just to hear it. But he tells her to go to hell. Bad decision, bad guy. Det. Jane Rizzoli will cut the hand off a bitch who doesn’t tell her what she needs to know. Do not test her, her girlfriend is sleeping with someone else. She is in no mood.

Family safely rescued and bad-guy’s hand still attached, Jane shows up at Maura’s door. Jane asks if she’s OK and Dr. Isles bursts into tears. Ruh-roh, we all know how Jane gets when Maura loses control of her amygdala and lacrimal gland connection. That Bastard is officially gone (so he’s therefore no longer lucky). Maura says she harbored a fugitive, so Jane should go ahead and arrest her. First the foot fetish, now a open request for some handcuff action. Get a room already, you two. Or, you know, use every room in Maura’s house.

Maura keeps sobbing into her tissue about how Ian was the love of her life. Turns out Dr. Isles can lie after all. She just called someone who is not Jane the love of her life. Maura asks, “How can you love someone and not be able to be with them?” Maura, sweetie, it’s called “The love that dare not speak its name” for a reason. Welcome to the family. It gets better — I promise.

Maura says That Bastard went back to Africa, which as we all know is a bad continent for lesbian relationships. Just ask Callie and Arizona. Maura again says Jane should arrest her. Nothing cheers a gal up like a little game of good cop/bad cop, am I right? Jane gives her the sympathy head tilt, and then says she’s going to arrest her mother instead for labeling everything in Maura’s kitchen, down to the high-ball glasses. Good job redirecting focus, Jane.

Maura says Mama R has even rearranged her closet. Rearranged or created a pathway for her to come out of it? Jane tells Maura she’ll stay with her until she feels better, or death do us part. It’s Massachusetts, so it’s legal. And then, after a long, difficult few days filled with unexpected exes and poor morning beverage choices, we finally get our Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching.

Hug it out as long as it takes, ladies.

And now, onto your highly perturbed #gayzzoli tweets of the week. Maura kissed a boy and we did not like it.

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