“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.08): Maura kisses a boy and Jane doesn’t like it

I felt a great disturbance in the Gayzzoli last night, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. And those millions of voices were crying, “Wait, what? No gayzzoli before the opening credits?” Sorry, no gayzolli before the credits. Just a father and his grown son assaulted by an armed gunman who then kills the older man. What is this, a real crime show or something?

At Casa Isles-Rizzoli, Dr. Maura Isles is working late when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Ian. We don’t like Ian immediately. We don’t like Ian because as soon as Maura opens the door she jumps into his arms and they start making out. In fact, we hate Ian. That lucky bastard.

I think the only way we’re all going to make it through this episode is if we pretend Ian isn’t Ian at all, but Maura’s butch first girlfriend from college. In fact, if you squint and tilt your head you can totally see it. And, as we all know, our relationships with our first girlfriends are often complicated and unresolved. So, now it all makes sense. Also, from this point on Ian will be referred to only as That Lucky Bastard – because he is one.

At the crime scene, Det. Jane Rizzoli limps over to examine the body. She’s having a problem with her toe, but even Jane’s limping has swagger. Also, please note the convenient placement of her glove. Tucking your latex glove into the front of your chunky belt is kind of like Handkerchief Code for dummies.

Jane asks Korsak impatiently, “Where is Maura?” Korsak retorts, “Can’t do this without your BFF?” That’s LLBFF to you, buddy. And, no, clearly she cannot. Jane calls her confidential informant Rondo instead to get some scoop. You’ve got to admire Rondo’s gumption, calling Jane “Vanilla” and hitting on her openly. A for effort, F for any possibility of success.

Maura finally arrives, a little winded. When Jane asks where she had been, she replies “bed.” Well, that’s probably not technically a lie. They could have gone from the couch to the bed. Jane senses the disturbance in the Gayzzoli, and also notices Maura has on two different kinds of shoes – one back pump and one blue pump.

Maura makes an excuse about getting dressed in the dark. And then quickly deflects when she notices Jane’s limp. She says it’s because Jane buys her boots a half size too small – and stomps. Even after her unfortunate interlude with That Lucky Bastard, Maura manages to slip in a little quickie eye sex with Jane. I’ve got to give it to her: The woman has great stamina.

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