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“Hand aufs Herz” recap: Your Love is My Drug

This is my penultimate (sniffle!) Hand aufs Herz recap, but before I begin, allow me to take a quick moment to address the folks who thought I was shirking my Jemman responsibility last time around. I confess I’m not familiar with the way the disgruntled masses recap HaH, but I recap HaH from SAT1’s official website. Which is to say I am piecing together a show that is not in my native language from 90-second videos – with three minutes of ChocoFresh advertising bookending each! – and graciously provided fan translations. Am I missing things in the broader context of the HaH story? Absolutely, I am. But I’m afraid it’s the best I can do.

I thank you in advance for your future benevolence. You are, as a fandom, much greater than the sum total of last week’s loudest contingent.

Now, if you’ll just tumble into the back of this wardrobe and shimmy through the brick barrier surrounding this invisible train platform, we will once again be on our way to the magical land of Jemma!

We have finally arrived at the answer to the mystery of Jenny’s madcap fashion sensibility. In her tween years, Jenny Hartmann was known as pop sensation – wait for it – Little Heart. (Little Heart, you guys! Little Heart!) And you know how it is when you’re trapped inside the pop culture music-making machine: PR people telling you who to hang out with, talent managers telling you what to eat, record company executives dictating your clothing. By the time Jenny freed herself from the oppressive chains of The Industry, Lady Gaga was wearing pastrami bikinis to church, and so Jenny Hartmann decided to buy herself a pair of holographic sparkle leggings to wear with her mother’s best blazer and her own personal candy necklace. Because she could.

Anyway, Emma is feeling blue because Luzi is leaving STAG to start a solo career. Jenny tries to console Emma, but you know how she gets; two days of rain in a row and she thinks the angels are crying because the zombie apocalypse is on the way. Emma mentions Jenny’s music career, but instead of weaving a yarn like I just did, Jenny skirts the issue like she’s got something to hide. She gets even more agitated when she sees Luzi and Timo on the cover of a gossip rag, like, “Maybe we should go into hiding so the paparazzi don’t photograph us, too.” Emma is all, “I’m not sure we’re really magazine material.” And Jenny rightly surmises, “We are the hottest lesbian couple within a million-mile radius. Of course we’re magazine material.”

After school, Jenny and Emma decide to blow off some steam at Chulos. They canoodle their way through the crowd – which includes a bonged-out Sophie – at the club giggling and whispering and kissing like they’re participating in the Adorable Olympics. Emma excuses herself to the ladies’ where she runs into notorious worst person, Sir Ronnie Drugs-a-lot, who gets so gross that I broke three laptops trying to get through the monitor to thrax him. He wedges Emma against a wall and harasses her about what lesbians do in bed and whether he might one day have the opportunity to participate.

For one glorious second, I thought Emma was storming off to get Jenny, who would have no doubt murdered Ronnie with the sheer force of her rage. Instead, she tries to convince Jenny to go somewhere else, but Jenny doesn’t want to leave Sophie alone. One day I hope these two write a book called Miscommunication 101.

Chapter One: Finish Your Damn Sentences

If you only say half a thing, your girlfriend will fill in the blank with her own insecurities and make it a whole thing. Consider these examples from a hypothetical misunderstanding in hypothetical club called Chullos:

Girlfriend A says a half thing: “I want to go.”

Girlfriend B hears a whole thing: “I want to go … because I have no sympathy for anyone who has ever been involved in drug culture because: gross.”

Or:

Girlfriend B says a half thing: “I want to stay.”

Girlfriend A hears a whole thing: “I want to stay … because I care more about my acquaintance’s stoner feelings than I do about your girlfriend feelings.”

Why not try using full sentences instead? For example:

Girlfriend A: “I want to go because Ronnie just pinned me to the wall and asked to f–k us.”

Or:

Girlfriend B: “I want to stay because I know what it’s like to be roofied.”

Remember: Less words equal angry herds; more words equal true love birds.

Alas, their book has not been written just yet. Emma storms off.

The next morning Emma stops by Jenny’s to apologize. And here’s the second best thing about this show: When Stefan tells a freshly showered Jenny he let Emma into her room, the music and Jenny’s face go, “Oh, no! There’s a dead body in there!” And when Emma pulls back the covers to reveal Sophie’s hungover head, her face and the music go, “Well, it might as well be a dead body in there!”

Jenny chases Emma downstairs where they have the following conversation:

Emma: What the actual hell, man?

Jenny: Nothing, I swear!

Emma: Oh, it was something!

Jenny: Except is was nothing!

Emma: Bollocks! It was at least ten somethings! And after we slept together and everything!

Jenny: It was zero nothings! What you and I did in that bad is the exact opposite of what Sophie and I did in that bed!

Emma: A likely story! Liar!

(“Chapter Two: Jumping to Conclusions Like You’re Jumping off a Bridge.”)

At school, Emma’s like, “So Jenny’s cheating on me with Sophie.” And Timo’s like, “OK, a) Sophie is straight. And b) Even if Sophie was gayer than three-dollar bill, Jenny would never choose her over you.” At Jenny’s, Sophie’s like, “Thanks for letting me crash half-naked in your bed.” And Jenny’s like, “OK, a) You’ve got to stop with the drugs, because b) Little Heart knows a thing or two about being an addict.”

There’s this thing girls do (not just lesbians, but girls) (not all girls, but still: girls) that drives me absolutely bananas. And yet! It is so endearing on Emma! Jenny finds her at school and says, “There’s nothing going on with me and Sophie.” And Emma goes, “I know, but I’m still angry because of this new thing I came up with when we weren’t talking.”

The new thing is: Jenny’s shutting her out. Which is true. And they’ve never made any of their problems better by not processing the hell out of them. But also, Jenny’s scared of pulling back the veil on her past, and who can blame her? Not only does she hail from the kissing capitol of the European Union; she popped pills over there like she was living inside an episode of Skins.

Jenny finally decides to test the drug-addled waters by telling Emma about her friend who used to have a drug problem, all, “One of my best mates from London, um, Penny Cartmann, was a serious addict. She had these clothes from outer space, and also she did a s–t ton of drugs. She had these blue eyes that made every color in the crayon box jealous, and drugs were her main thing. She had this dimple that was like God’s personal gift to her face, and she also consumed several truckloads of drugs.” Emma’s like, “Wow, that sounds rough for your friend; you want some coffee or something?”

Back at Chulos, the lighting is being kinder to Emma and Jenny than it ever has done. Even the camera can’t get close enough to them.

Ronnie’s there, too, yucking it up and twirling his handlebar mustache and tying ladies to train tracks and putting some roofies in Jenny’s water bottle. Jenny and Emma are still talking about Sophie instead of making out. It’s preposterous. Every time I hear the name Sophie, I want to punch myself in the head.

Outside, Ronnie corners Emma again, all, “Hey, watch this video of Penny Cartmann snorting blow. Say, she looks just like your girlfriend, Jenny Hartmann. Why, I think it is your girlfriend Jenny Hartmann. Whom I just poisoned, by the way. Toodles!”

Emma carries Jenny home – literally, probably, White Knight that she is – and tucks her under the most garish covers you’ve ever seen. Like, I’m surprised Jenny didn’t still think she was tripping when she woke up and saw the hyper-circus-colored duvet. Emma watches over her – again, literally – and when Jenny wakes up in a cold sweat, she explains how Ronnie drugged her, and how she saw that YouTube video of her and Effy Stonem doing body shots off of each other and eating MDMA brownies over in Bristol. They fight about Sophie some more (self-inflicted face-punch!) and Jenny says she didn’t tell Emma about her past because Emma could never have understood.

It’s a lie, and they both know it. What Jenny really means is she couldn’t bear it if Emma ever stopped looking at her with those adoring eyes and that over-earnest puppy-dog head-tilt. And Emma doesn’t. Of course she doesn’t. And she won’t. She fell in love with all of Jenny, even the past she didn’t even know about yet. Emma’s main concern is: Breakfast and making sure Jenny can pass her next drug screening.

Yep. Drug screening. It’s the only way her parents would agree to let her come to Cologne, apparently. Jenny knows she’s going to fail no matter what. But Emma’s not sending the love of her life off to Snogdon, UK without a fight. She’s got a Plan B. The fact that she’s got a Plan B at all makes Jenny’s face do this:

And this:

It also makes her call Emma a “terrier” with such affection. But Plan B is doomed. Emma wants to do the drug test for her, but there’s no way to make it happen because the drug test is a urine sample. Also, the last time Emma did an assignment for Jenny, she mixed up her Martin Luthers and they almost ended up murdering each other.

Jenny takes the drug test herself. And she fails the drug test herself. Which means her parents will be along to collect her in a matter of days to drag her away from Emma. Unless, of course, Emma’s got some more of that Gryffindor heroism up her sleeve. (Spoiler alert: She does.)

The last Hand aufs Herz episode airs on German network TV on Friday. I’ll have the final recap up on Friday afternoon, assuming I can get my hands on the last few clips by then. Until then, I suggest all the pizza and P!nk pajama ballet you can handle.

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