“Hand aufs Herz” recap: Your Love is My Drug

This is my penultimate (sniffle!) Hand aufs Herz recap, but before I begin, allow me to take a quick moment to address the folks who thought I was shirking my Jemman responsibility last time around. I confess I’m not familiar with the way the disgruntled masses recap HaH, but I recap HaH from SAT1′s official website. Which is to say I am piecing together a show that is not in my native language from 90-second videos — with three minutes of ChocoFresh advertising bookending each! — and graciously provided fan translations. Am I missing things in the broader context of the HaH story? Absolutely, I am. But I’m afraid it’s the best I can do.

I thank you in advance for your future benevolence. You are, as a fandom, much greater than the sum total of last week’s loudest contingent.

Now, if you’ll just tumble into the back of this wardrobe and shimmy through the brick barrier surrounding this invisible train platform, we will once again be on our way to the magical land of Jemma!

We have finally arrived at the answer to the mystery of Jenny’s madcap fashion sensibility. In her tween years, Jenny Hartmann was known as pop sensation — wait for it — Little Heart. (Little Heart, you guys! Little Heart!) And you know how it is when you’re trapped inside the pop culture music-making machine: PR people telling you who to hang out with, talent managers telling you what to eat, record company executives dictating your clothing. By the time Jenny freed herself from the oppressive chains of The Industry, Lady Gaga was wearing pastrami bikinis to church, and so Jenny Hartmann decided to buy herself a pair of holographic sparkle leggings to wear with her mother’s best blazer and her own personal candy necklace. Because she could.

Anyway, Emma is feeling blue because Luzi is leaving STAG to start a solo career. Jenny tries to console Emma, but you know how she gets; two days of rain in a row and she thinks the angels are crying because the zombie apocalypse is on the way. Emma mentions Jenny’s music career, but instead of weaving a yarn like I just did, Jenny skirts the issue like she’s got something to hide. She gets even more agitated when she sees Luzi and Timo on the cover of a gossip rag, like, “Maybe we should go into hiding so the paparazzi don’t photograph us, too.” Emma is all, “I’m not sure we’re really magazine material.” And Jenny rightly surmises, “We are the hottest lesbian couple within a million-mile radius. Of course we’re magazine material.”

After school, Jenny and Emma decide to blow off some steam at Chulos. They canoodle their way through the crowd — which includes a bonged-out Sophie — at the club giggling and whispering and kissing like they’re participating in the Adorable Olympics. Emma excuses herself to the ladies’ where she runs into notorious worst person, Sir Ronnie Drugs-a-lot, who gets so gross that I broke three laptops trying to get through the monitor to thrax him. He wedges Emma against a wall and harasses her about what lesbians do in bed and whether he might one day have the opportunity to participate.

For one glorious second, I thought Emma was storming off to get Jenny, who would have no doubt murdered Ronnie with the sheer force of her rage. Instead, she tries to convince Jenny to go somewhere else, but Jenny doesn’t want to leave Sophie alone. One day I hope these two write a book called Miscommunication 101.

Chapter One: Finish Your Damn Sentences

If you only say half a thing, your girlfriend will fill in the blank with her own insecurities and make it a whole thing. Consider these examples from a hypothetical misunderstanding in hypothetical club called Chullos:

Girlfriend A says a half thing: “I want to go.”

Girlfriend B hears a whole thing: “I want to go … because I have no sympathy for anyone who has ever been involved in drug culture because: gross.”

Or:

Girlfriend B says a half thing: “I want to stay.”

Girlfriend A hears a whole thing: “I want to stay … because I care more about my acquaintance’s stoner feelings than I do about your girlfriend feelings.”

Why not try using full sentences instead? For example:

Girlfriend A: “I want to go because Ronnie just pinned me to the wall and asked to f–k us.”

Or:

Girlfriend B: “I want to stay because I know what it’s like to be roofied.”

Remember: Less words equal angry herds; more words equal true love birds.

Alas, their book has not been written just yet. Emma storms off.

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