“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.07): Something rhymes with witchy this way comes

It’s morning in Boston and Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles are having breakfast together because, well, that’s what they always do. They wake up, roll over, say good morning, get dressed (or not, they could conceivably roll around a little more – ahem), have breakfast and solve horrible grisly murders. Like someone getting burned to death at the stake. Yuck. But you know what’s yummy? Bunny pancakes.

Mama Rizzoli has made her Janie bunny pancakes while Maura gets an egg-white omelet. Jane does not appreciate the cuteness of said bunny pancake and promptly cuts off its ears and gives them to – who else? – Maura. They are seriously the oldest, marriedest couple I have ever seen on television.

Jane tells her mom to stop making her zoo-animal shaped pancakes in public. It’s tough out there for a butch. But Mama Rizzoli has ulterior motives for her adorable fluffy short stack. She tells Jane, “I could make bunny pancakes for grandchildren.” Oh, Mama R, you’ve got to work on Maura for that. Remember, she’s the one with the baby fever.

Jane protests and knocks a fork off the table in the process, which gets another knowing tsk-tsk from Mama Rizzoli. She tells her dropping a fork means to expect a female visitor. And now all I can hear is the sound of single lesbians everywhere emptying the content of their silverware drawer onto the floor.

Maura is thinking about another sort of female visitor and asks Mama Rizzoli is she is still menstruating. Yep, that’s our Dr. Isles – not good at boundaries yet surprisingly good at identifying euphemisms for menstruation.

Jane has had enough of her mom and girlfriend conspiring together and shoos her mom away. Where she runs into — yep — a female visitor. Frankie’s old girlfriend is there. An old girlfriend the Rizzoli women do not like. In fact, Mama R gives her the “I can’t stand you”-hug. I know that hug well. I always pretend I’m a porcupine with extended quills when I have to give one.

Jane says her mom is too polite to call her the word that rhymes with “witch,” and Maura helpfully chimes in “bitch.” This earns a world-class shushing from Jane.

Shushing your spouse in public and giving her food off your plate: It’s like watching your grandparents bicker while enjoying the early bird special at Hometown Buffet.

Teresa comes up to say hello. Jane gives her her own, much less polite version of the “I can’t stand you”-hug. I call it the “I can’t believe you skipped out on my brother after he co-signed a car loan for you and left him to pay it off, you bitch, and if I wasn’t tasked with serving and protecting this great city I would kick your ass until Sunday”-hug. And that’s not even really paraphrasing. I think Jane’s body language is visible from space.

Maura feels the hostility and deems the whole thing “uncomfortable.” Maura also notices that Teresa is very symmetrical, because “studies have shown that women who have symmetrical facial features are the most attractive to the Rizzoli siblings. Have I mentioned how symmetrical my face is, Jane? I have precise measurement data, if you’d like to see it.”

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