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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.06): Mama said there’d be days like this

So, it’s another normal day at Dr. Maura Isles’ house. She is making fresh croissants in the kitchen with Mama Rizzoli while Det. Jane Rizzoli chows down on snacks and watches sports in the living room. I keep forgetting, is this a cop show or a show about an old married couple? Clearly the answer is both.

Mama Rizzoli goes over to scold her daughter for getting crumbs on the couch. Jane whines that she’s just trying to relax. Come on, Mrs. R, your daughter works hard catching bad guys every day so in her off time she just wants her little woman to cook for her while she watches the game. We can discuss the repercussions of applying such strict heteronormative gender roles to same-sex partners some other time.

Maura’s avalanche of domesticity is in preparation for her mom’s visit. A mom who has never visited her house before. Geez, don’t most parents complain about their kids not coming to visit them often enough, not the other way around? Jane tells Maura she shouldn’t be so nervous, it’s her mom not royalty. She’s right, Maura. Royal families typically own far fewer European estates than the Isles family.

The day’s domestic tranquility is interrupted by synchronized phone calls, which our heroines answer in perfect sequence with “Rizzoli” and “Isles.” I wonder if the writers get a bonus when the work the show title in like that. It’s another case, which means they have to leave which makes Maura fret about not having time to order the “organic pig’s trotters,” which in turn horrifies Jane and all the vegan lesbians watching the show. You know who you are.

On the way out Jane gives Maura’s hip a love tap, not unlike the ass slap heard around the world. It’s like Jane has become physically incapable of leaving Maura’s house without making some sort of physical contact with her lady. If this groping escalates in a few weeks, they’ll need to take this show off TNT and onto Skinemax.

And speaking of skin, Maura tells Jane she should change out of her schlubby sports-watching clothes before they leave. Jane says she’ll change in the car, so Maura says she’ll drive. Jane gets all whiny girlfriend and says she hates it when Maura drives, to which Maura replies, “I hate it more when you undress and drive.” This means Maura has seen Jane undress and drive before. No word, however, on whether this undressing and driving moment was quickly followed by parking and moving to the backseat. But I think we all know it was.

Also, for those keeping score at home, our LLBFFs have now undressed/changed/disrobed in front of each other in four out of the six episodes this season so far. But, me, I watch it for the police work. Yep, the police work.

At the scene, Jane has indeed undressed in the car and is back in her standard-issue Det. Rizzoli solid colored V-neck and suit combo. But, wait, what’s this? Is that Dr. Maura Isles wearing one of Jane’s signature V-necks? Dear God, she is. Lesbian Twin Syndrome, activate!

Seems the Revolutionary War has claimed yet another victim. Our matchy pair examines a dead reenactor’s body. When not dressed up like one of the Minutemen, he was a garbage man. Jane wonders who would want him dead and Maura says, “Perhaps it was someone who didn’t like to recycle.” Yes, Dr. Maura Isles made a funny. Look at how proud she is of herself.

But then she quickly snaps back into Maura mode and is unwilling to identify the kind of wound that killed him for Jane, save from it definitely not being from a bite. Jane’s face does that whole “it’s torture sometimes” contortion again and she makes a mental note to bring this up in their next session with their couples counselor, Earth Rainn Songwomyn.

When a few of the reenactors try to move a cannon out of the way, Jane gets all not-in-my-crime scene and confronts the group leader. Hey, it’s John-Boy. Maura recognizes him right away, though not as the eldest of the seven Walton children. Instead he is Professor Kravitz, the chair of American history at Boston-Cambridge University and leading authority on colonialism. Maura says she’s a big fan.

Jane does not appreciate Maura being a big fan of anyone but Jane Rizzoli, or giving anyone her flirty smile. So instantly you can tell she doesn’t like Prof. John-Boy. I don’t either, but I think that’s because I’ve seen Richard Thomas play one-too-many murderous very special guest stars on crime shows over the years.

At the lab, Korsak confesses to Dr. Isles that he has been experiencing shortness of breath, despite his new diet and exercise regime. While I know she is a legit medical doctor, it still seems a little strange asking someone who works with dead bodies for health advice. Just saying. Later Frost and Korsak also get into a discussion about veganism, based on Korsak’s new healthier diet. So welcome back into the fold, vegan lesbians.

Maura finds transfer on the bullet fragment, which ricocheted off the iron cannon before hitting the garbage man. So it turns out it wasn’t an anti-recycling activist who killed him after all. Maura tries to impress Jane with her trigonometry skills to find the trajectory of the bullet. But she really impresses her when she takes off her heels and climbs a tree to reach the shooter’s perch.

Ten bucks says Jane just flashbacked fondly to her tomboy days climbing trees. Maura further impresses her by saying she was “Best Tree Climber” during year six at her boarding school. Hey, Rizzoli & Isles writers, boarding schools have a long and proud cinematic history of fostering lesbian activities. Just thought you should know in case you wanted to do any flashbacks to Maura’s younger days.

Jane and Maura go to visit Prof. John-Boy. He has his female teaching assistant working as a domestic slave, for authenticity sake. He says his students need to experience a culture to understand it. So does that mean all of his female students need to be either a laundry lady, nurse, seamstress or domestic slave? Because, wow, sign me up for that class.

As they head back into the station, Maura receives a call from her mother. She is coming a day early, which sends our normally calm doctor into a fit of hyperventilation.

Jane tells her girlfriend to pull it together. She’s not used to seeing flustered Maura, save for maybe when she undresses and drives. So she manhandles her into the building and straight up to see her mother. Jane asks her ma if she can whip up a three-course meal for them in the cafeteria. Because, you know, that’s a perfectly normal thing to ask your mom to do for a friend. Maura insists it should be an 11-course meal and then reels off names of courses I’ve never heard of, let alone eaten. Jane counters with peanut butter and fluff sandwiches or takeout. You just know Maura has a jar of marshmallow fluff somewhere in her kitchen just for Jane.

As the detectives work the case into the night, Jane realizes she should be at Maura’s. Because that’s where she is always supposed to be, day or night. So she runs off in the middle of a case and no one bats an eye. Because, again, that’s what Jane does — she goes to Maura. At Maura’s, the hostess is fretting and Mama Rizzoli calls her “the perfect daughter.” I think she meant daughter-in-law, but semantics. Jane walks in and plops a box of cannolis on the table. You’d think she plunked down a box of frosted cowpies, what with everyone’s horrified reaction.

But there’s no time to worry about such unsophisticated desserts, because the doorbell rings. Jane calms Maura saying, “You look beautiful” and Maura gives one last nervous spin for Jane’s approval. She opens the door and we all get an eyeful of Mother Isles.

Now, I know Maura is adopted, but the resemblance between Sasha Alexander and Jacqueline Bisset is pretty uncanny. I’ll have to consult the Human Genome Project to find out whether the gorgeous and sophisticated gene is hereditary.

Jane wonders, too, and calls the meeting of the Isles women and the Rizzoli women “country mice meet city mice.” At dinner, Mother Isles tells them how she will be lecturing in Stockholm on the “objectification of the female form in post-war modernism.” Mama Rizzoli says she knows all about the objectification of the female form. I kind of love Mama R, but Mother I — not so much.

Because the “I” might as well stand for Ice Queen. She says she didn’t come to Boston to visit Maura, but to open an instillation. And she’s too tired for dessert and needs to leave. Maura is all, “But mom, I thought you were staying with me. I made up the guest room in the finest 1,000-thread-count sheets sprinkled with gold flakes and steamed with all the lonely tears I cried for your affection.” At least that’s what I heard.

Mother Isles leaves for The Ritz, and tells the country mice to call and get on the list for her opening. Maura’s disappointment is palpable. Jane’s displeasure with Mother Isles is just as palpable. But, as any good girlfriend will tell you, comforting your partner after the sting of parental disappointment just comes with the territory. So Jane sits Maura down and they have a lovely little round of eye sex.

But seriously, the eye sex in this episode is just epic. In nine months I expect to see little eye babies crawling around all over the place.

The duo’s post occipital bliss is interrupted by a call. The Boston Sniper has struck again, this time in a crowed shopping area where one man dies from a heart attack during the shooting. In the autopsy room, Maura uses a knife so large you’d think she was fixing to carve the Thanksgiving turkey.

She also jokes that they should call the killer, “The sniper who couldn’t shoot straight.” Jane humors her, calling it a good joke. Maura gives Jane a look so hopeful and so eager, you wish it actually was a good joke. When she realizes it isn’t, Maura tries again, saying the sniper’s message is “I need target practice.” And then she giggles at herself. That giggle, you guys, it’s like a wet puppy kiss to your heart. Yet somehow Jane gets annoyed because quippy one-liners are her domain. So she snaps at Maura to do her job so she can do hers.

You know that moment right before a big fight with your girlfriend when you realize you’ve gone too far and wish you could suck back in those last few words? Jane knows it even before Maura can reply, coldly, with a “Yes, of course, detective.” Ooooh, girl. Now you’ve done it. But, the good news about hot heads is they’re often quick to cool down, too. So Jane apologizes immediately.

Then like the lesbians they are, they process. Jane asks Maura if it’s her mother that’s bothering her. Maura says it’s hard to have her here and not see her. Maura longed for affection from her distant mom. Jane longed for space from her hovering mom. And then, as if on cue, they get simultaneous calls from their mothers. God, that is so gay.

Mama Rizzoli is having a bird emergency. The parakeet Korsak rescued earlier and gave to her to care for is gravely ill. Maura says she’ll take care of him, which means putting the dead bird in her pocket and whisking him away. Again, these are things I always do for my best friend’s mom — the removal and disposal of deceased pets. She even tells an almost lie in the process of getting rid of the bird. The things Maura does for Jane.

Of course, turnabout being fair play, Maura then gets Jane to wear a 18th Century period costume to the wake of the reenactor. She walks in all hangdog and scratching like a dog in her period dress. Jane’s continued discomfort in dresses is one of this show’s most winsome plotlines. Seriously, think of another series where the heroine repeatedly makes her dislike for dresses a vocal issue.

Maura, meanwhile, is loving her colonial costume — but not the beer. After taking a big swig we get our very first Dr. Maura Isles spit take.

She then declares that “18th Century beer sucks,” which finally earns a laugh from Jane who turns in a fit of giggles only to see the sniper across the street aiming into the room. She screams, everyone ducks, then Jane and Frost go tearing out into the street after the car. Note to producers: While Jane Rizzoli may dislike wearing dresses, please find as many situations as possible where she has to run in them. Because, you know, yummy.

After an unsuccessful interview with the owner of the getaway car (who has some serious mother-daughter issues of her own, as if the night’s theme wasn’t clear enough), the team puzzles over what her motive could be. Jane also puzzles over how the Korsak’s parakeet made a miraculous recovery. Jane makes a mental note to check Maura’s pockets for pet store receipts later. Then Maura walks in wearing a gold jacket and leopard dress and all of Jane’s thought processes come to a screeching halt.

Maura notices the healthy crackers Korsak is eating and gives closure to the world’s most drawn-out fart joke. His chest pains weren’t a heart attack, just excess gas. Boy, the writers really worked hard for that punchline. But Maura is more interested in working something else, a date with Jane to her mom’s art opening. Jane tries to decline, but Korsak and Frost act as Maura’s wingmen and insist our two lovebirds leave together. Good job, fellas.

At the instillation Maura isn’t on the list, so Jane flashes her badge and gets them in. Mother Ice Queen forgot to put her own daughter on the guest list? Now that’s cold. Jane has had about all she can take and sends Maura off to get them drinks she can “get to know your mother better.” She then makes a crack about the plastic water bottle artwork and Mother Isles says she can see why Maura likes her. Um, yeah, so can anyone with eyes.

She calls Jane direct and Jane corrects that she is “protective” and says that Maura is her “best friend.” But we all know “best friend” really means “LLBFF” and “LLBFF” really means “Lesbian Lovers But Faking as Friends.” So way to come out to Maura’s mom, Jane. Mini-pride parade through Boston, y’all.

While the first rule in the Good Girlfriend Handbook is comfort your sweetheart when faced with parental disappointment, the second rule is to confront the disappointing parents head-on and tell them to stop hurting the woman you love. So Jane earns her girlfriend gold star and then some as when she tells Mother Ice Queen that she doesn’t like seeing her “best friend” hurt.

Det. Jane Rizzoli will not abide anyone making her Maura feel bad. Not now, not ever. Nor will she accept Mother Ice Queen’s excuses about being too busy when Maura was growing up and Maura being too busy now. Even her admission that she was never any good at being a mother doesn’t melt Jane’s resolve. Honey, here’s a dust pan to pick up the pieces of your shattered ego. You’ve been officially Rizzolied.

Another phone call drags them out of the art show, when they discover the suspect from earlier used to be a student at Fake Harvard. In fact, she was Prof. John-Boy’s teaching assistant, until she dropped out after filing rape charges against him. Raping his domestic slaves? That is certainly keeping it disgustingly historically accurate. She says it was her who tried to kill the professor, but DNA shows it was her son. Her son who was born nine months after she was raped. Oh, man. They stop him just as he’s about to shoot the professor in the middle of a class. Jane talks him down. I don’t know how she manages to look both sympathetic and fierce while pointing a gun, but Jane does.

Case solved, shooter arrested, rapist publically tarred and feathered (I’m hoping), Jane, Maura and Mama Rizzoli enjoy congratulatory drinks and peanuts at the Dirty Robber. Jane asks her mom if the parakeet looks different, earning an under-the-table kick from Maura. Guess she found Maura’s pet store receipt after all. They get in a glowery eye shag, but then in walks Mother Ice Queen.

The county mice scurry to clean the table of peanut shells. Maura beams — maternal approval looks good on her. Mother Ice Queen finally thaws and admits she’d love a burger and milkshake. Jane jokes that she’ll have a beer milkshake which, hello, genius. This is the best mother-daughter double date, ever. And then Maura breaks a cardinal rule in the Good Girlfriend Handbook and says Jane and her mother are so much alike, earning her a deserved under-the-table kicks. Ladies, any more footsie between the two of you and I’ll have to send you to your car to drive and undress. I swear, there’s so much family bonding going on that I expect Mama R & I will be demanding grandkids soon.

And now on to your tweets. Give me #gayzzoli or give me death.

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