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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.01): Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Welcome back! Long time no see. How have you been? Did you, like me, have to enter into a rehab program to deal with the excruciating withdrawal pains you experienced when forced to go subtext cold turkey at the end of last season? And now, like any good addict, are you ready to embrace your dark, irresistible vice again and inhale its intoxicating, brain-altering chemicals until everything is Rizzoli & Isles and nothing hurts? Good, so we’re all on the same page then. Let us begin.

When last we saw our intrepid heroine she had shot herself through the stomach to shoot a bad guy. Whatever inferior macho cop show you are watching, stop immediately and beg forgiveness at the altar of Det. Jane Rizzoli’s superior badassery. Now, three months after the shooting, the band is all back together and getting ready for a ceremony to honor Jane’s heroism. Some unseen bad guy is also building a bomb in the background, if you must know. But plot-schmot, there’s a knock at Jane’s door. Who’s there? Dr. Maura Isles, who immediately tells her girlfriend she looks terrible. You always hurt the ones you love.

Jane is skulking around in a hoodie, wearing sweats and eating cereal. So, basically, she looks pretty much exactly like every gay gal watching the show did last night. Maura starts in about Jane’s peritoneum and small bowels. Jane tells Maura she can’t casually discuss her privates. But can she casually do other things with your privates, Jane?

Maura scolds Jane for spending her recuperation time exercising her credit card on the Shopping Channel instead of exercising her mind on Shakespeare. She says the mind aids recovery.

Maura: Mind — body.

Jane: Mind — business.

Maura: You are my business.

Right, so as my great-aunt Edna used to say, “Let’s put a pin in that and just leave that there, m’kay?”

Maura hauls her gal off the couch, and if you had two minutes and 15 seconds until the first Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, you win the pool. Jane says she’s still in pain and doesn’t want to go. Maura responds by asking about her last bowel movement. I have to say, I certainly hope discussion of bowels doesn’t become a widespread form of foreplay.

Then Maura marches off and grabs Jane’s police uniform. Playing dress up with your lady already? I approve. Jane whines that it “makes me look like a man.” Maura corrects her saying, “It makes you look butch. And you know how I love me some butch.” Well, that’s what she should have said.

Instead she says, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.” Not that that’s any less gay. Maura plops down on the couch and Jane immediately puts her leg across her lap. Also, not gay.

The clever doctor tries to coax Jane to the ceremony by calls her a heroic flesh-and-blood reminder of the thin blue line. And if you had three minutes and 27 seconds until the first eye sex, you win a pony. No, wait, a unicorn. A big, gay unicorn.

Still, Jane isn’t convinced. So Maura gets up and with the firm air of someone who has done this countless times before says, “OK, the hard way.” For the love of God, ladies, take pictures.

And cue opening credits. Yes, that much subtext before the credits. This season is going to be awesome. Also, how long until some enterprising DJ remixes the Rizzoli & Isles theme into a favorite dance song at lesbian clubs everywhere?

At the ceremony, it looks like Maura succeeded with the hard way because Jane is in her dress blacks. This means Jane Rizzoli is in a tie. Hide yo femmes, butches.

U.S. Army Private Abby Sherman is being saluted at the same banquet for her heroism, after she saved her entire platoon when they came under Taliban fire. Jane tells Maura that’s a real hero, before having to go onstage herself to be honored. At the podium she is humble and gracious, saying that she was just doing her job and there to remind people that sometimes the good guys still win. Maura needs no reminding, as she beams at her own private superhero on the stage.

Once off stage, Jane runs into old high school flame Casey Jones. They say he is a Lieutenant Colonel in the Delta Force, but we all know he’s really a Lt. Col. in the Beard Force. He apparently came all the way from Afghanistan to “catch up” with her. Jane says she’d love to catch up, too, then promptly runs away. The mind says yes, the body says no. Maybe Maura was onto something.

She instead finds her brother Frankie — guess he pulled through — to ask why Mama Rizzoli was at the ceremony but Papa Rizzoli wasn’t. When she doesn’t get an answer she asks the source, who manages a few strangled cat noises which translates to they’re getting a divorce.

Jane turns to Maura, who is too fixated on spit-cleaning a stain off of Jane’s tie. In public. Because all straight friends use their saliva to groom each other in a room full of people.

Lt. Col. Beard Force returns to get her a drink, but Jane seems more interested in talking to her fellow honoree, Private Sherman. They discuss battle scars. They hug. Wait, maybe Maura should start worrying about Abby instead. Once her Army brat is back with the drink, Jane’s more interested in seeing what Maura is up to across the room. Or, more precisely, who Maura is up to across the room. It’s her trauma surgeon Dr. Slucky — Slucky Bastard, more like it.

Hey, here’s a question: Do most straight friends throw this kind of tantrum when they see their best friend with another man? I’m just asking. Jane pulls Maura away from her date immediately. She complains about Maura’s choice of companion (i.e. anyone who is not Jane). And then Jane pulls a totally heterosexual “boy-girl sex is gross” face when Maura says Dr. Slucky Bastard was very tender “in the bed.”

Jane’s had enough straight sex talk, so she gets up to leave but Maura touches her tenderly on the arm and says, “You know, you do need to boost your immune system and sex is very good for that.” Don’t suggest it if you don’t intend on following through, lady.

Lt. Col. Beard Force walks with Jane to her car, but then Abby’s car in front of them explodes in an enormous fireball. They stagger out and Maura comes running from out of nowhere toward her woman, yelling, “I got this!” Just because she’s a femme, doesn’t mean she can’t butch up when it matters most. Maura fiercely cradles Jane, who clings to her. Say it with me: Awwww.

Frankie deposits Jane back at her apartment, but Jane being Jane she leaves again for police headquarters. A newbie officer manning the entrance won’t let her in. So Rizzoli flashes her badge. And by badge, I mean abs. God bless high-definition television.

Maura arrives with Dr. Slucky Bastard, who still refuses to clear Jane for duty. So she pesters Maura into getting her through the gates. Which she does, but not before the newbie hands our detective a visitor sticker earning a patented Jane Rizzoli “Really?

Maura tells Jane she can only come with her downstairs into the medical examiner’s office and she will “poke you in your scar tissue” if she touches the up arrow. Scar tissue, so that’s what kids are calling it these days. Then, in a classic couples move, Jane rips off her visitor sticker and hands it to Maura, who can only shake her head. It’s a total, “Here, honey, take care of my trash”-moment.

In the morgue, Maura tells Jane her hair twirling is a sign of sexual frustration. Well, she should know. Jane then notices the examiner’s room looks different and Maura says she should see her office, which was just redecorated. Jane feigns faux femme excitement. Look, darling, you already handed Maura your garbage. Don’t push it. A gal can only take so much from her butch.

Maura takes the opportunity to feel Jane’s wound because if these two kept their hands off each other nobody would be watching. Back in Maura’s office, Jane is doubled over in pain. Maura comes up and rubs her back. If TGTGT was your drinking game word, you’d be out cold at this point.

Jane sits down in Maura’s new office chair, which is apparently as uncomfortable as it looks. All the while, Jane can’t keep her hands out of her pants. But for some reason Maura seems used to it.

p.s. Don’t worry, Log Cabin Republicans. Tax payer dollars did not pay for Dr. Isles’ fabulous new office complete with Dyson bladeless fan.

Jane uses her big, brown, wounded puppy-dog eyes to convince Maura to get her upstairs. No, not that kind of “take me upstairs.” There’s a case to solve, focus. Detective, now Sergeant, Korsak and Det. Frost come in and greet her. Then when talking about whether women receive differential treatment in male-dominated fields (I know, whoa, got heavy on you there for a second), Frost says Korsak never brought him flowers. Are we going to have to start shipping these two? What portmanteau? Kost? Fosak? Varry?

The investigation gets under way and aside from being sad about Private Sherman getting blown to tiny bits it’s all very boring because Lt. Col. Beard Force is getting all, “The Army is awesome! Stop talking bad about the Army!” Before they leave to interview the men in her platoon, Maura waves to Jane all, “Honey, don’t leave without saying goodbye!”

Back at Jane’s place, Lt. Col. Beard Force says “except for the girlie part” Abby was a lot like her. Jane says, “I can be girlie” back and everyone at home spit takes their beer. Honey, you owe us all new computer screens for that one. He then calls her a soft-shell crab. Here’s a tip: Don’t call women crabs, or say they’re crabby or suggest they have crabs of any kind. Ever.

And then Jane and G.I. Not Maura kiss. Because, remember people, this is not a gay show. This is a show about two extremely heterosexual women who discuss each other’s private parts and touch each other excessively and give each other the sexy eyeball every chance they get.

The next morning Mama Rizzoli comes in unannounced only to find Jane’s gentleman caller sitting with her in bed. He leaves in a flash. Dude, you left this alone in bed? Good thing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is being repealed because you are causing me to seriously question your sexuality.

Mama Rizzoli is as miffed as we are that Jane was sleeping with a boy instead of Maura. But Jane explains that that is indeed all they did, sleep. Yes, because every adult, available, attractive heterosexual who spends the night with another clearly interested adult, available and attractive member of the opposite sex actually just sleeps together.

Over breakfast, Mama Rizzoli talks about her breakup with Jane’s dad. They’re losing the house. So Jane says she can stay with her but her mama had a better offer. Maura offered her her guest house. Now that’s some world-class sucking up to the future in-laws.

Upon hearing this news, Jane rushes over to Maura’s place. Because when a relationship step is this big, a phone call simply won’t do. Maura says she can tell that Jane had sex. It’s like she has seen the signs first hand or something. Jane says she should feel free to chat about her sex life with her mom at their slumber parties to which Maura says, “I never really got much sleep at slumber parties.” Hm, what else could she have been doing with those girls instead of slumbering? Let me think, let me think …

Just as the ladies were getting a really good head of flirting steam going, Dr. Slucky Bastard walks in and totally kills the mood. As he gives Maura a kiss, Jane says “vomit” while storming out. Our thoughts exactly. Maura expresses her concern about Jane’s lingering pain and then brags about her toughness to her date. Talking up your girl, how sweet. But he dismisses her worries and then even denigrates her expertise. Buh-Bye, Dr. UnSlucky Bastard.

Back at the lab, they discover it was an American bullet and friendly fire that wounded Abby in action, not Taliban insurgents as reported. Lt. Col. Beard Force says the Army always owns up to its friendly fire accidents and Jane snarks back, “Tell that to Pat Tillman’s family.” And, another boyfriend bites the dust. Nice work, ladies. To celebrate, Maura invades Jane’s personal space while she’s on a phone call. I have a feeling being in each other’s personal bubbles is how a lot of things get celebrated between those two.

Maura then pulls the “You aren’t cleared for duty, so I must go with you” card and they leave together to interview the soldier. Anything to be near her gal. But another car goes boom, this time without an accompanying person. And then a house goes boom, and this time there is an accompanying person. A benched Jane paces and complains about being on the sidelines to Maura. When her reply isn’t appropriately sympathetic, Jane says, “When I talk do you hear, ‘Blah, blah, blah, Maura, blah, blah, blah.'” If you’re convincing us that you’re not an old married couple, you’re doing it wrong.

Lt. Col. Beard Force seems convinced the case is solved and goes to notify the other squad member with Jane. But then Maura discovers that he is really the bomber instead. Love triangle. Jilted jealously. Explosive endings. Story as old as time.

As if shooting herself through the abdomen wasn’t brave enough, Det. Jane Rizzoli proceeds to grab the live grenade the soldier is threatening to blow them all up with. With her bare hands. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Butch up, Olivia Benson, there’s a new most badass female cop on television.

Lt. Col. Beard Force drops by the office to say goodbye. She was so butch she scared him off. Or his leave ended, same thing. Maura comes in and Jane tells her he has left. She fakes a sad face, unconvincingly. She then says that heroes are actually social deviant, and calls Jane a hero. Hmm, what other group has been considered social deviants in the past that Jane falls into? Let me think, let me think… So that then makes Jane a “not girlie, crabby, social deviant.” Yep, sounds about right.

Maura takes one last shot at TGTGT and feels Jane’s wound good and proper. Jane can finally breathe without pain. This momentous occasional clearly calls for a little celebratory eye sex. And then they leave together to have the real thing. Hypothetically.

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