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Great LezBritain: “Candy Bar Girls” recap – Episode 5

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

So here we are. It’s the penultimate episode and we’re actually starting to feel that, despite everything, we’ll miss the Candy Bar Girls. Ha ha, not really. Well, maybe Sandra.

The episode opens with Jessie D and we’re told she is an “unemployed arts graduate.” How does she pay her rent? We’re worried that poor Natalie will have to do a few home perms to keep the roof over their heads. But not to worry, Jessie D is doing something constructive about her unemployed status. She’s joining an art class.

Jessie D: You know when you finish Uni and you come to London and you think, “I need a job.” Well, where do you start?

Sarah: The answer to that question for most people is not “the Candy Bar.”

We accompany Jessie D to her first art class and the teacher tells her that her first subject is, of course, a naked lady.

Jessie D knuckles down to draw the female form, while the voiceover suggests to us that she is also distracted by a pretty girl behind the life model. They have a brief chat at the end, but Jessie D chooses to retreat because her gaydar isn’t working.

Lee: I still don’t think a gaydar is a real thing, unless you’re in a gay bar.

Sarah: I could pick a lesbian out at a church fete.

Gary is worried about Monday nights at the Candy Bar and is discussing ways to fill the bar with manager Sam.

Lee: The only thing that would make me go to a bar on a Monday night would be the promise of free food served by Lena Headey while Blondie performed an intimate gig in the corner.

Sarah: I would also need to be chauffeur driven there and back. By Sharleen Spiteri.

Imagine our surprise when Gary says that’s his exact plan. Except it isn’t.

Gary’s plan is to introduce a Salsa class, but in the same breath says he can’t imagine same-sex couples Salsa dancing. For a big gay entrepreneur, Gary is strangely traditional in his views. Manager Sam thinks this is a brilliant idea and she can instantly imagine the ladies Salsa-ing all over each other and thus the deal is done.

Gary wants Sam to organise the whole event in three days and says he expects her to double or triple takings. We feel this is not entirely a clear instruction, based upon any kind of realistic research.

It must suddenly be three days later, because next we see Alex and Lizu erecting paper decorations to the walls of the Candy Bar and creating Havana Club displays. Alex says she thinks new management are doing a good job at trying new things, then Lizu and Sam have a little Salsa on the dance floor, which suggests Sam’s tough love has begun to work on these wayward women.

Some of the Candy Bar girls begin to arrive, including Natalie, Kayley, Shoreditch Jo and Christina Novelli. Now considering they have obviously been told to be there because they’re characters in this TV show, we’re worried about Sam meeting her double/triple takings because the night is sparse of other lesbians. We’re then introduced to Stuart, the evening’s same-sex Salsa Supremo, which is frankly, a fabulous job title. As the ten or so lesbians salsa, we feel heart-warmed by Sam’s endless optimism and ability to apply polish to a turd.

Sam [smiling]: It’s great to see all the different personalities dancing, you’ve got some having a laugh, another two taking it quite seriously — but still having a laugh — and then the lovebirds really trying and getting it and loving it.

In East London, Rox is desperately trying to clean away her dirty socks, bean encrusted plates and mouldy old cups in time for Rachel to arrive back from Brazil.

Lee: It must be in the lesbian handbook that when your girlfriend is away you can just eat fish fingers and biscuits all week and wear the same t-shirt. It definitely says that in mine.

Rox heads to the airport to meet Rachel from her flight with a handmade, heart-edged sign. After every other passenger has gotten off the flight, picked up their luggage, arrived home and done a white wash, Rachel finally appears. They have a big old snog in the airport, which is lovely, then head home so happy together.

It was Rachel’s birthday while she was in Brazil, so she has some presents to open from Rox. There is a slightly weird build up to the fact that it might be an engagement ring. It isn’t. It’s a trip to New York, which they are both squealy about.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for: Shoreditch Jo is back in Shoreditch. Jo tells her girlfriend that Shoreditch is where her heart and soul is.

Sarah: She looks so much happier in Shoreditch

Lee: Definitely. She doesn’t belong in the North West.

The next scene is a long conversation between Jo and Alicia, but instead of boring you with the extended version, the gist is this: Jo doesn’t like staying with mum and dad and can’t wait to return to Shoreditch, East London. They leave a cafĂ© where – we don’t know how to tell you this without embarrassing everyone concerned – Jo leaps onto a small toy pony in the yard and does a double fist pump in the air. Her girlfriend finds this adorable, so who are we to judge. We’re probably just uptight. We don’t even really like Shoreditch.

Shabby and her friend Cheryl are in Soho wearing hats with a video camera in tow.

They’ve written a script with the idea of making some sort of audition or pilot for a TV idea they have, which is “following Shabby down the road to bohemia.” The voiceover then tells how directionless Shabby is over pictures of Shabby jumping up and down and gurning with Dizzee Rascal‘s Bonkers in the background. She then reels off a list of jobs that she’s had which includes criminologist, anthropologist and poetry writer. Excuse me?

Lee: I’m confused by this Shabby. She bears no resemblance to the Shabby we’ve met, who was very intelligent, eloquent and charming.

Sarah: It’s very confusing.

It seems that Shabby is also confusing herself. As she reviews the footage of herself, she quite rightly admits that she is talking bollocks and a TV exec would not be particularly impressed. She then becomes much more serious and admits that she moves projects so often because she doesn’t actually think she’s much good at anything and her cockiness just masks her insecurity.

In a tremendous twist of fate, Shoreditch Jo’s friend (who lives in East London) is going on holiday and has asked Jo to flat sit. To celebrate, Jo decides to throw a Friday night dinner party with the aim of sharing a bit of Jewish culture with girlfriend, Alicia. Despite her earlier desperation to get away from her parents, she brings her mum, who brings a big chicken. Jo soon regrets inviting her mum as she follows her around the house asking things like, “Why are you dressed like that, aren’t you cold?” and “Can’t you turn on the oven?” and “Is there enough cutlery?” The answer to all of these questions is no, no and no.

Then, the best piece of dialogue on Candy Bar Girls yet happens:

Jo’s mum [looking at the oven]: It’s so greasy.

Jo: Mum, let’s not insult the oven.

As the guests arrive, the voiceover tells us that tonight’s guests are a cosmopolitan bunch. We wouldn’t expect anything less from Jo’s social circle.

As one girl arrives she says to Jo’s mum,”You have already met me, but I was dressed as a man.” Jo’s mum, going in for a kiss, replies, “That’s right.”

As they are a cosmopolitan bunch, the conversation soon turns to what it’s like to be gay in other countries.

Jo’s Italian friend: The advice mothers would give to their daughters is, “Well you can fake it, you’re a woman.You don’t have to be gay, we’ve been doing it for years.”

Jo’s mum [massive glass of wine in hand]: That is ridiculous.

Lee: I’m starting to wish that this show was actually just Shoreditch Jo and her mum.

Sarah: They should have a spin off with Sandra as the supporting character.

Then a couple of heterosexuals arrive and they actually look quite normal, not like you would expect straight people to look. We totally wouldn’t have guessed that they weren’t gay. How stupid do those last sentences sound? About as stupid as everything the straight girl says next.

We’ll paraphrase because her chat is so boring and we’ve all heard it a million times. She basically can’t believe the pretty Italian girl is gay because you normally expect lesbians to be unattractive. She then goes on to endear herself to the group further by holding her head in her hands and asking, “But what do women do? I need … something.”

Credit to the Italian lady who doesn’t pick up a chicken drumstick and wallop her over the head. Instead, she calmly explains that lesbians just love each other the way straight people do, that we don’t need a penis to make love, and if we do require penetration then we can strap it on. At precisely this moment, Jo’s mum says,”Humus anyone?”

This should really have been enough to shut up this line of questioning, but suddenly the straight man decides to show that no matter how thick his girlfriend can be, he can be even thicker.

Straight man: You mentioned kids. Is that something you think about? [face like constipation]

Italian girl: Yes, me and my partner are going to have a baby.

Straight man: How’s that going to work?

Straight girl: Will you just go out and see a man and think he’s cute …

Straight man: And have a one night stand?

Sarah: What part of lesbian do they not understand?

Lee: I think it’s the part about how we don’t like having sex with a penis attached to a man.

Straight man: Could you have sex with a man?

Lee, Sarah: You are a complete knob-neck.

Italian girl: No. Would you be okay with your girlfriend having sex with another man to have a child?

Shoreditch Jo: So how did you guys all enjoy dinner?

Now, just in case any of you haven’t met any straight people before, or you don’t really have any straight friends, don’t let this couple put you off them. Not all straight people are complete twats.

Shabby and Cheryl are in Brighton wearing matching hats. They’re meeting a TV company to pitch their idea. Hopefully they’ve worked it up a little bit more.

They show their taster to a TV producer from Lambert Productions. On The Road To Bohemia appears on screen.

Producer: Oh, I like your font.

Sarah: Oh, I like a woman that appreciates a good font.

The taster actually looks OK now that it’s all cut together, and the producer also seems impressed with this and with their pitch. At this compliment, both Shabby and Cheryl turn into blushing, proud little schoolgirls which is actually very sweet.

In East London, Shoreditch Jo is on the look for an “unusual scoop for her magazine” says the voiceover. This turns out to be an article on the latest sex toys, which we’ve all known about since ye olden days of lesbianism so isn’t really an unusual scoop is it?

Jo meets her friends at the sex shop. One of them shouts “Jo!” really loudly when she arrives and waves a dildo in the air, a well-known lesbian greeting in Shoreditch.

They begin looking at something called the Cone, which looks like a party hat and therefore it doesn’t seem like a good vagina option.

Jo says that gay women need to be more open about sex because it is sexuality and those things are intertwined. She says that one of the first questions she often gets asked by people is “What do women do in bed?” We say Jo needs to hang around with different people, because that is a very rude first question. Ever positive, Jo just sees this as a chance to educate people.

The girls are taken on a sex toy tour by salesgirl Joanne and they finger various dildos, strap-ons, anal beads and wonder if a suede harness might get a bit mucky. Joanne assures them that if it does, “You can just buff it.”

It’s been a week since Shabby’s pitch. She checks her email and one is waiting from the producer. It says that the producer liked meeting Shabby and thinks she’d make an excellent TV presenter, that she’s keen to work with her. She tells her, “Let’s see if we can get you a show.” Shabby looks delighted and kisses the computer screen.

Lee: What about Cheryl? I thought they were in this together.

Sarah: Awkward.

As well as being the mac daddy of Candy Bar, Gary also owns a boy bar called Ku. For some reason he’s decided to swap them round for one night a week. Ku’s all-boy staff take over at Candy Bar and straight away they seem a much more disciplined lot than Alex, Lizu and company.

Over at Ku, Sam, Leelee and Lizu prepare to fill the much bigger Ku bar with lesbians. They blow up balloons and prepare a chocolate fountain to attract the ladies. But Sam is worried when the bar is still full of boys at 9 o’clock so she sends out a bat signal that is answered by two pole dancers and presto the place is packed to the rafters with lesbians.

Back at Candy Bar, there are lots of men with their tops off, wearing very small shorts. Sam heads over for a sneaky peek and probably to check that the men aren’t pissing all over the toilet floor. Seriously, what is that about? All those years with a penis and still no aim?

Sam is happy, the punters are happy. It seems that Gary’s madcap ideas have once again paid off.

In North London, Shoreditch Jo is a guest on The Joel Kafetz Show (a Jewish gay and lesbian internet radio show). Joel and Jo meet and we have to turn the volume down because they just shout a bunch of high-pitched words at each other then run up the stairs to start the show.

Happy days. Jo’s mum is the surprise mystery caller on the show and is pitted against Jo in a gay news quiz. We’ve missed the first question, but the answer was Matt Smith and Jo’s mum gets it right, she also gets the second one right and wins the quiz. But Jo’s the real winner because at the end of the show she’s offered the job as Joel’s co-presenter.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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