Previously: Jen and Sam kissed and immediately agreed to pretend it never happened, (as if that’s ever worked). Sam realized that Elizabeth’s fix-the-damaged-girl fetish is not the same as love and left her. And Kris proposed to Chris to make an honest woman out of her before the baby is born.
Jen and Sam are working hard at being Just Friends, drinking beer, playing darts and scoping out babes at Barry’s. Something about Sam’s kiss must have transferred her pick-up mojo to Jen because tonight, geektastic Jen is getting phone numbers left and right.
Not to be outdone by, my god, a cardigan and a panda shirt, Sam saunters over to a single lady, only to return five seconds later holding nothing more than her water and a grudge. What is going on?
Jen wonders if Sam’s mind is distracted by her recent break-up with Elizabeth. “Either that or it’s snowing in hell,” says Sam, astounded by her own lameness.
Three months later, Sam’s dry spell shows no signs of breaking. She’s starting to wonder if she’s half way to being a crazy cat lady. Jen assure her that, statistically speaking, it was bound to happen. And sometimes, you just get a bad run of cheaters, women in love with someone else, or moms. It’s not your fault, smelly cat.
Over at Kris and Chris’s house, they’re getting ready for the biggest day of their lives. No, it’s not Skins coming out on DVD, it’s their wedding day. After years of nesting bliss, launching a business together, and an insemination, the ladies are making it official in that not legal, unrecognized by any state or federal agency, not binding anywhere except in their own minds kind of way. They don’t share tax returns, and they also don’t share toothbrush cups.
Chris tells Kris to keep her Oral-B on her side of the bathroom counter, thank you very much. It’s just nerves. And good hygiene.
Downstairs, Sam and Jen are helping set up the food and such. The weather outside is stormy and ominous. It’s like rain on their wedding day. Isn’t it ironic? For the last time, no!
The definition of “ironic” doesn’t matter right now, because inside, the mood is sunny with a good chance of “I do.” Just as things are going smoothly, in walks Kris’s mother, Sheila, with a pile of CDs and a plan to fire Devin as the DJ. Who’s up for some Gordon Lightfoot?
Sperm daddy, Dr. Bob is there, along with Barry, Devin, and this woman, who Jen thinks just might be a perfect, easy lob to break Sam’s hitting slump.
Turns out, the lady likes shrimp more than sex on a stick, and after grabbing an hors d’oeuvre, she politely smiles and walks away from Sam as if she’s the caterer.
Devin can’t help but notice everything, and tells Sam and Jen she knows what’s wrong: Sam is giving off a vibe like she’s taken. I dunno. Maybe the mood is all wrong — Sheila is blasting rumba music and aggressively swinging Barry around like an inflatable sex doll named, Buck. Looks like someone’s been in the winter garden, enjoying her “basil.”
Jen dismisses the very notion that Sam is acting like she’s taken and picks up a box of cupcakes to set in the other room. As she passes by, Sheila twirls Barry right into her, sending baked goods and Jen flying at a woman in comfortable shoes.
The woman in the Easy Spirits is Kate, whom Jen dated last year. Kate was cute, smart, fun and everything seemed great until Jen found a deal breaker: Kate has a son. Car pools. Soccer games. Algebra. Check, please.
But that was then, and this is now. Jen’s happy to see Kate, who’s been giving lots of good parenting advice to Kris and Chris (who somehow forgot to tell Jen). Sam is less than thrilled with this bit of serendipity, and makes a beeline for the bar, where there’s a dirty martini with her name on it.
As Kris scolds her mother on one side of the room for smoking weed, Jen is on the other, boasting to Kate, “I’m a dating Marine now. I can take it on the chin.” Kate seems intrigued by this news and checks Jen’s chin for dating scars as Sam watches from afar like a hawk.
Maybe Kate will take off her raincoat and stay a while.
Upstairs, Kris is feeling guilty for accusing her mother of being high. And Sam is helping Kris with her makeup, fuming about Kate’s sudden re-appearance. Chris is lying on the bed, listening to the femmes with detached boredom.
Sam: I should be happy that Jen’s scoring, left and right.
Kris: But you’re irritated.
Sam: I’m irritated by the fact that I’m irritated.
Kris: I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Sam: Why is Kate even here?
Chris: OK. This is ridiculous. Come here.
Chris grabs the girls and tells them to get their sh-t together. Sam should go talk to Jen, Kris should go talk to Sheila, and she’ll bat southpaw against Racine. OK? Ready? Break!
Kris tries to apologize to Sheila, but being a mother, Sheila can’t resist giving her daughter a passive-aggressive guilt trip. Jen runs into Sam in the bathroom, where Sam is pinning her hair up, one strand at a time. Jen senses something’s on Sam’s mind but Sam shuts her down, saying, “Leave it alone.” Oh honey, she can’t leave it alone. She’s a lesbian.
As the ceremony draws near, the guests start taking their seats in the living room. Jen, full of bravada, asks Kate out on a casual date. Kate says she doesn’t have time for casual, being a mom on the go and all, so Jen amends her come-on to be a real date. Bold!
Jen and Kate sit down next to Sam, who can’t look at Jen without sneering. But before Sam can give Kate the stink eye, Kris and Chris emerge, dressed in white, and stand before their friends and family.
Chris whispers something to the officiant, who smiles, approvingly. The happy couple turns to their guests.
Kris: We say our vows together every day and in everything we do, in public and in private.
Chris: You all know everything we can possibly promise to each other. So, this day isn’t about what we can say to each other.
Kris: It’s about how we can join ourselves together in a new way.
They’re not going to backwards scissor each other, are they?
Instead of my horrible idea, Chris and Kris invite everyone present to take them as their unlawful family, to have them, to hold them, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health …
Just tell her, already!
After the sweet ceremony, everyone relaxes with a drink and some mingling. Barry and Dr. Bob seem to be hitting it off in the kitchen. Jen and Kate are chatting in a corner, while Sheila is probably somewhere spiking the punch. Sam interrupts Jen and asks to see her alone for a moment.
Jen leaves Kate and pushes Sam into the dining room, closing the French doors. What is your problem, lady?
Jen: Just because you’re going through a slump, you can’t be happy for me? Jesus, Sam, that’s not friendship. That’s not family. That’s something else.
Sam: Oh my god, you’re right. It is something else. I’m not jealous of the attention you’re getting from Kate. I’m jealous of the attention that she’s getting from you.
Jen freezes and goes deaf. Um, what?
Sam’s epiphany answers the question that’s been dogging her for months. Why can’t she pick up women anymore? Because they can tell she only wants the one she’s with: Jen. As Jen’s head gets ready to explode, Chris is in the hallway outside her bedroom, trying to carry her pregnant wife over the threshold.
Eating for two beats chivalry from one, any day of the week.
But the real testament to their wedding-commitment-union-festivus is Chris moving Kris’s toothbrush into her cup as they change into the jammies. Aren’t there still guests downstairs? Can’t they take a hint that the party’s over?
Back in the dining room, Jen tells Sam: “We have more than a friendship. We have ‘this.’ And if we tried to have ‘that’ again, we could mess all ‘this’ up. So why even think about that, because we wouldn’t have this and we wouldn’t have that. And honestly, I can’t live without this.”
Old, babbling Jen is back. Before Jen and Sam can agree to keep this and not go for that, Kate cheerfully pops her head in and brings the convo to a screeching halt. Everything OK?
Oblivious, party of one, your table is now ready.
Kate grabs Jen for a second to say good-bye and that she’s looking forward to their date. Jen smiles and watches her leave, as Sam watches her.
Jen returns to pick up where they left off with this and that. but doesn’t remember which is which anymore.
Jen: I’m so confused. Are you confused?
Sam: No, I’m not. And I don’t want you to be with Kate, or any other woman on this planet. I want you to be with me.
Jen: [thoughtful silence]
Chris: [screaming from the hall] Jen! Sam! Kris’s water broke!
Goddamn kids ruin everything.
Next week: The season (and series?) finale. After a long night of waiting, a new life comes into the world. Congratulations, it’s a “this.” Or a “that.” Confused? You’ll just have to wait and see.
