“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.09: Another Lez Bites the Dust

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Emily’s constant worrying about constantly being murdered landed her in the hospital, which thwarted A’s plans to poison her to death, but gave A new ammo when Emily tested positive for HGH. Hanna really wanted her parents to get back together, but Ashley finally came to her senses and realized she’s way too good to be anyone’s second choice the second time around. Spencer convinced Aria to break into the morgue with her, where they discovered that Ali was buried alive.

Whoa! Aria and Ezra are scissoring! Or whatever other lesbian sex thing! They are just going — wait a second! No, Aria is banging Jason! What time is it? What day is it? What life is it? Oh, Aria’s just having a mash-up sex dream, is what’s happening here. Her alarm clock jolts her into real life and her eyes go, “What the actual hell?”

While Aria is either washing her brain out with soap or lending her sexual frustration a hand, the other Liars are just hanging out in the morgue in their candy striper outfits, like you do on a Tuesday morning before breakfast. Some legit hospital workers come by, so Hanna launches into a pantomime about, “And so I told the patient, ‘I’m not going to shave that!’” Which is amazing because of course Hanna would think that’s a normal thing to say to keep suspicion at bay.

Spencer rushes out of the morgue and Spencers about, “That fifth page totally proved that we already know beyond a shadow of a doubt, no questions asked, that Jason probably used that hockey stick to wallop Alison.” It would be easier to hack into the Pentagon and fire off some nuclear missiles than it would be to change Spencer’s mind about … anything. 

The elevator door opens and out pops JennaBot. Apparently she’s going to get herself some brand spankin’ new eyeballs down in the laundry room.

In their bedroom, Emily is throwing out every bottle of lotion and muscle cream and sunscreen and TRESemmé that she and Hanna own. Hanna’s like, “Oh, no you don’t. Not my bottle of moisturizer milked from the teet of a Lothlórien unicorn by the light of the harvest moon.” Emily’s like, “Steroids make you ugly and we both know you’re just going to steal another bottle.” 

A texts Emily with her steroid test results, all: “Remember when I ran over Hanna with an army tank? Girl, get ready.”

At school, Aria consoles Emily, like, “A doesn’t own you. You eat a couple of cupcakes, rip out a couple of hearts and get paid for it. It’s not so bad to be Hanna, really.” But who can think about confectionery blackmail when a pair of glowing eyes appear on a locker door and then KABLAM! they all just explode as Jason DiLaiurentis steps through the wreckage because the dude literally tore down a wall with his glower. He’s like, “Laaaadieees. Aria especially.”

OK, and I’m going to give Aria a pass on bugging out on this one. It’s always weird when you see a person for the first time after having a totally inappropriate sex dream about them. Emily’s Lezzer senses go berserk. She’s like, “The minor shift in atmospheric pressure has alerted me to the fact that you are feeling some feelings.” Aria is, of course, used to this kind of interrogation on account of spending the last 30 episodes in the company of one Ezbian Fitz, so she explains about the dueling sex dreams. Emily goes, “HOW COULD YOU?” And at first I thought she was talking about dream-cheating on Ezra, but really she’s talking about how could Aria dream-shag the latest suspect in Spencer’s solo murder investigation. “You can only fall for people after Spencer kills them or clears them of all charges, you know the rules!”

Aria’s like, “You went to Homecoming with Toby when Spencer thought he killed Ali!” And Emily literally says, “Toby wasn’t linked to a weapon that could have smashed Ali’s skull!” No, Toby was only linked to a sweater that was covered in her blood.

Anyway, Emily agrees not to tell about Aria’s wet dreams if Aria agrees to stop having them.

I love it when the Liars have lunch together. Some of the best things happen in this cafeteria. JennaBot coming to sit with them that one time and making them all cry silent tears of remorse and fury. Paige’s dad slapping Emily in the face for being a homo. Aria drifting in and out of consciousness waiting for the sunset to get juuust right before galloping to the parking lot and dry humping Ezra on the hood of his car. Today Spencer is explaining in graphic detail the procedure JennaBot will be undergoing to repair her eyesight. Hanna makes a retching noise and seriously goes, “THEY’RE TAKING OUT HER EYEBALLS?!” Emily’s like, “Hanna, remember last week when you were obsessed with the HOLE IN MY STOMACH? Still there. Still haven’t kept down a cracker.”

This is kind of weird, actually. They talk about what kind of fresh hell JennaBot is going to unleash on them when she gets her eyesight back. And, I mean, besides the creepy flute playing and click! click! click!ing around and having sex in front of them both on camera and in the comfort of her wide open bay window, has she really done anything to the Liars? Correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re the ones who jumped her in the bathroom that day, and also, you know, blinded her. Whatever, though. Spencer lands her best line of the night. What’s the worst that can happen if JennaBot gets her eyesight back? “Well, for one thing, she’ll be able to aim a gun.” Or a firecracker. 

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