Ryan Murphy vows to keep Lea Michele and Chris Colfer out of New York forever

After months of cross-talk, back-talk, and double-talk about the fate of Glee’s graduating class, Ryan Murphy has decided to set the record straight. Last night, Deadline broke the news that Ryan Murphy intended to write a Glee spin-off for Lea MicheleChris Colfer and Cory Monteith, but he has now abandoned the idea. Because his feelings are hurt. Or something. 

You can read the full interview at Deadline, or our dramatric reinterpretation of the interview below. 

The first thing I see when I walk into Don’t Stop Be Eatin’, Hollywood’s Glee dining experience, is Ryan Murphy handing out autographs to children. Or, well, to some children. Murphy is signing napkins, hats and menus for a few kids while turning others away in tears. “Sometimes I do what people want, sometimes I don’t,” he tells me, and points to his T-shirt, which reads “The Murphy giveth and The Murphy taketh away. Blessed be the name of The Murphy.”

We’re here to let Murphy set the record straight about next season’s graduating class.

Glee fans are, I think, rightly confused about the departure of Lea Michele, Chris Colfer and Cory Monteith. You said in an interview that their characters will graduate after this season, that they will not return to the show. The three of them seemed surprised by the news. Then, last week at Comic-Con, Brad Falchuk said that yes, they will be graduating, but won’t be leaving the show. What’s the truth?
Murphy: The truth is, I’d been speaking to Lea, Chris and Cory for months about doing a spin-off, perhaps a New York City Julliard-type thing after their characters leave Lima Heights. The way I see it, I can make a bazillion dollars doing one hit show, or I can make two bazillion dollars by chopping that show in half and creating two shows. In an interview, I said they were to graduate and leave Glee, and then those ungrateful little bastards had the audacity to act shocked, which in turn caused thousands of fans to show up on my doorstep with torches and pitchforks. So I was like, “You know what? No. No spin-off! No spin-off for any of you!”

So they weren’t allowed to talk about the spin-off?
Murphy: No, because nothing was final yet.

Why did you announce that they’d be leaving the show before they had the freedom to talk about what was next for them?
Murphy: When you’re the guy who’s building a Glee theme park in Heaven, you do what you want. But I’ve learned my lesson. Do you know, I read the other day that Glee is one of the most talked-about shows on the internet? I guess you’ve got to be careful what you say, with all these bloggers and Tumblr Beasts printing exact quotes from you every one million times you contradict yourself.

You are the showrunner for Glee, and you didn’t know how popular your show is online? Do you also not know that your cast is more directly connected with its fanbase than any TV cast ever? That their fans expect a certain level of response from them? That Lea and Chris and Cory couldn’t really be silent after you broke the news that they were leaving the show?
Murphy: Sure, they could have. In fact, I think they learned an important lesson: Shut up and get a spin-off, or make me look dumb and get nothing.

“The power of your EGOT in the palm of my hand.”

So you really won’t write them a spin-off? Because your feelings are hurt?
Murphy: That’s right. You know, last season’s finale in New York was all about setting the stage for them, but they shat where they ate, and now they’ll starve.

And by “shat where they ate,” you mean “acted surprised when you didn’t give them a head’s up that you were announcing their departure from the show”?
Murphy: Yep.

But will they be back on Glee even after they graduate?
Murphy: They’re under contract for seven years. I’ve got five more years of owning them. They’ll do what I say.

Now that you know the internet so intimately, you do realize that fans are going to react very strongly to this information you’re giving them, right? About the spin-off?
Murphy: You see this as superfluous information, don’t you? A show they would never have known about that will now never happen? Well I see it as a way to clear my name and let everyone know that I am the good guy, and those three kids are the bad guys. After decades in the entertainment industry, I know a thing or two.

I’m not sure you do.
Murphy: I do.

You know, then, that those three kids are beloved? And that fan blogs call you “Lyin’ Murphy”?
Murphy: Nah. I’m awesome. It’s an incontrovertible fact.

Chord Overstreet says he dodged a bullet by not coming back next season.
Murphy: Yeah, probably, but when I’m finished throwing Lea and Chris under a bus, I’ll get a gun that works properly.

“I know it was you, Colfer. You broke my heart.”

So you’re definitely not writing the spin-off?
Murphy: Oh, losing their spin-off isn’t their only comeuppance. You know how much Lea and Chris love Broadway, right?

Yes, it’s a thing I read on the internet.
Murphy: OK, so, because I’m a bazillionaire, I also bought the entire state of New York and installed a border patrol to keep out Lea and Chris! They will never be able to get inside the state to see or act in another Broadway show as long as they live! Boom! Served!

Speaking of getting served, a waitress appears and asks for our order. Over Murphy’s maniacal laughter, I ask for a piece of Rachel Berry Pie, but that particular dish is no longer available. It has been replaced with an enormous desert called “Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Murphy.” Murphy orders three of them — “one each for Colfer, Lea and Monteith” — and devours every last bite.

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