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“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 3

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

Last week, we were enthralled by a successful marriage proposal, the purchase of nipple tassels and lesbians arguing outside a fetish night event. What godforsaken drama has Channel 5 got in store for us this week? Cling on, muckers, because this could well be another roller coaster.

Jessie D needs a new flat mate because her best mate is moving on to pastures new. Whilst Jessie D shakes her head like a hair-tossing maniac, we get a guided tour of the flat that needs a new tenant. If this was a game of Pictionary, the answer would be “S–t-tip.”

Using our powers of lesbian deduction, we believe the possible new tenant may well be Natalie because she is in the next shot, walking the streets of London like a little lost lamb with a trendy haircut.

Natalie has an identical twin sister who answers to the name of Kayley and who is also a lesbian. No doubt Channel 5 is subtly interweaving some mind-blowing clout to the old nature versus nurture debate with this casting.

Lee: I don’t think that’s how you spell Kayley.

Sarah: I don’t really care because it’s not a real name.

Although they are identical, the show wants us to see just how different these two sisters are. Kayley has short, dark reddish hair, lives in the big smoke with her long-term girlfriend and has a successful job and a cat. Natalie has short blonde hair and is a hairdresser living at home in nearby Surrey. Natalie has no girlfriend and no cat. When you think about it, right now there is no proof that Natalie is actually a lesbian.

Natalie goes to view Jessie D’s flat early in the afternoon and is immediately ploughed with booze. She is clearly, then, too drunk to see properly because she appears not to notice Jessie D’s undergarments lying all over the shop and, in an unforeseen story arc, she takes the room.

Vagina-fearing Gary returns to the Candy Bar with right-hand woman Sam tucked under his arm. Sam is to become the bar’s new manager. Judging by Sam’s eyes of steel, her aim is to get the Candy Bar girls working like one hefty pint-pulling machine. Fun will be frowned upon.

We suspect this may go down like a lead balloon with current supervisor Alex, who likes to get drunk in her bra whilst working. And, quite frankly, who doesn’t?

The girls are all huddled into a very small room and Gary drops the bombshell about Sam being the new boss by using a metaphor about Indians and Chiefs.

Sarah: I saw Sandra there.

Gary asks if anyone has a problem with Sam’s appointment and everyone says no, although in the corner Alex passive aggressively chews the inside of her mouth like an insane cow and, for all intents and purposes, looks like she is squeezing out a s–t directly onto the Candy Bar sofa.

New boss Sam: Yeah, I think it went well, better than I anticipated.

While outside the bar …

Alex: I give you five seconds and I’m going to break the lens on that camera.

Whilst Natalie and Kayley have their nails buffed, Kayley questions the life changes her sister is making by helpfully telling her that when she chucks in her current hairdressing job she won’t get another straight away. Natalie says she is freaking out. Indeed, it took Kayley four months to get her job. Natalie says she is freaking out. Plus, Kayley says, Natalie won’t ever get a quiet night in because Jessie D is so goddamn wild. Natalie says she is freaking out. And it’s no bleeding wonder when she has one of the Harry Potter dementors for a sister.

To ease Kayley’s concerns, Natalie brings her to meet Jessie D. We question this move. Jessie D is half cut in the boozer and soon spins off tales about her life.

Jessie D: I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend and, like, I was with her for like three years and a half. Like I’m like a little rebel teenager all of a sudden. It’s like I can do whatever I want you know I’m single, you know and, like, I’m scatty.

Kayley’s face appears to be suddenly sucking something unpleasant.

Jessie D: If I ever piss you off [Natalie] just say, “Danni, you’re being a right c–t” and I’ll be like, “Sorry.”

No doubt this meeting of minds has soothed Kayley’s concerns.

Lee: Does Kayley realize that Natalie and Danni aren’t getting married? They’re basically going to share responsibility for toilet roll?

Back at lesbian HQ, new manager Sam is buffing tables ready for a speed dating night, but two of her staff are running late. When they finally appear, hungover, hooded and eyes down, Sam tells them their behaviour is unacceptable and that she can’t be their mother.

Lee: To be fair, she’s a better manager than Alex already.

Sarah: Alex is responsible in her own naked, drunken way.

Sandra is at the fray, in charge of the speed dating with as much enthusiasm as we’d expect from our sly old fox.

Jessie D and Natalie are also present and “date” each other in round one. Their first question is the kind of clever and insightful one that if answered correctly could lead to a long and deep friendship: “What’s your favourite colour?”

One of the speed daters is our next new Candy Bar girl, 24-year-old Christina Novelli (the daughter of celebrity chef Jean Christophe Novelli). She seems partial to a beanie, cooks with her father in the daytime and sings a tune or two at night with her band.

Natalie has taken a shine to Christina, but after a few sherbets, she fails to play it cool and tells the bemused Christina that she is “well-known” on the scene. Unless you are Papi from The L Word, this is awkward. Christina leaves while Natalie looks on forlornly as her possible new beau moves into the distance.

There’s not even time for a blink of an eye in this show because Channel 5 have just chucked two more into the Candy Bar Girl mix. Irish Shauntelle, who works at the Candy Bar part time (and whose pierced nipple we have kindly been shown), and girlfriend Chrissie, who is scared by how much the pair have in common even though the relationship is only two weeks old.

Lee: There are too many people in this show. I’m never going to care about any of them with all this dipping in and out.

Sarah: We care about Sandra.

Back in Surrey, Natalie is packing her bags because this is the night she moves in with Jessie D and she is freaking out. Whilst driving, she admits to having concerns about Jessie D. Concerns like, “What if she’s an arsonist?” Or, “What if Jessie D’s rabbit that doesn’t actually exist dies?” All very, very real concerns when you’re moving in with someone, I think we’ll all agree.

But she needn’t have worried one tiny iota because Jessie D is proving to be the hostest with the mostest. She has cleaned that flat from top to bottom and has lit four little tea-lights around a sign that says “Welcome to The Ritz.”

Natalie is so happy that she’s no longer freaking out. But hang tough, lesbians, because the dementor and partner Kylie have just arrived and will no doubt s–t all over this Swiss Family Robinson moment. However they’re shown the homemade “Welcome to The Ritz” sign and Kayley admits that maybe, just maybe, her sister will do alright in her new home after all.

Chrissie is being taken by Shauntelle to meet her family up in Telford.

Shauntelle: In an hour and five minutes, you’ll have met mummy and everything will be grand.

It turns out that Mummy is a formidable woman who plans to share all of Shauntelle’s childhood stories with Chrissie. All of the tales have a constant theme involving condoms, sex and b–wjobs and it turns out that Shauntelle’s nickname, appointed by mummy, is “little s–t” – purely, it seems, because she was a little s–t. The sister and daddy are remarkably quiet throughout the meeting.

Sarah: It wouldn’t surprise me if dad hadn’t actually spoken for the last 13 years.

Lee: A positive of this show has to be how unperturbed all of the parents are by their offspring’s gayness.

Jackpot. It’s Jo. Not DJ Jo, but the Jo that used to live in Shoreditch from episode one. She is with new, older girlfriend Alicia, a high-powered American who has recently settled in Londres.

It’s Valentine’s Day and Jo has taken Alicia to a spa because Jo likes the finer things in life. (Remember, she’s eaten in Paris.) However, Alicia may have trumped her because she has surprised her with two tickets to the ballet. Jo considers this a mind-blowing gesture because Alicia apparently didn’t even have to think about it. According to Jo, she just knew what to get her. We would argue that some thought must still have gone into this.

Sandra is back, and for Valentine’s Day she’s organised a singles night in the Candy Bar. Of course she has. Sam, however, is a bit wobbly because the bar is packed to the rafters.

Sam: I’m trying to stay uber Zen about it because if I freak out then I’m going to totally lose a grip on everything.

Lee: I’ve changed my mind. This wouldn’t worry Alex at all.

Sarah: She’d just slam a tequila off another girl’s arse and sort those lesbians out.

Giggling lovebirds Rachael and Rox are back. Their Valentine’s soiree is at the Museum of London, but it doesn’t get off to a glorious start because Rach has been left waiting a hefty amount of time by Rox, and when Rox does arrive she’s forgotten Rach’s Valentine’s card. Rach smiles but inside she feels like chucking some of that modern art stuff in Rox’s face.

In West London, Jo and Alicia dine in middle class bliss amid chandeliers and langoustines. Jo names her prawns and makes a joke about not liking tuna. Alicia laughs hysterically at Jo’s off-the-wall humour, but silently wishes that Jo still lived in East London.

It seems that Rach finds it difficult to not have physical contact with Rox for more than 30 seconds. She even tries to slow dance with her whilst people around them are poker-faced talking about art.

Rach: Sometimes I look at her and I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. She’s perfect for me.

Lee: We can’t say anything mean about this, it’s really quite sweet.

Sarah: So long as you’re not actually with them.

At the Candy Bar, Sandra’s single Valentine’s night is going down a storm. Everyone seems a bit wrecked and hating the romance of Valentines with a drunken passion. Once again Sandra’s night has made Gary a whole load of pink pounds whether he likes it or not.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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