“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 3


“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

Last week, we were enthralled by a successful marriage proposal, the purchase of nipple tassels and lesbians arguing outside a fetish night event. What godforsaken drama has Channel 5 got in store for us this week? Cling on, muckers, because this could well be another roller coaster.

Jessie D needs a new flat mate because her best mate is moving on to pastures new.  Whilst Jessie D shakes her head like a hair-tossing maniac, we get a guided tour of the flat that needs a new tenant. If this was a game of Pictionary, the answer would be “S–t-tip.”

Using our powers of lesbian deduction, we believe the possible new tenant may well be Natalie because she is in the next shot, walking the streets of London like a little lost lamb with a trendy haircut.

Natalie has an identical twin sister who answers to the name of Kayley and who is also a lesbian. No doubt Channel 5 is subtly interweaving some mind-blowing clout to the old nature versus nurture debate with this casting.

Lee: I don’t think that’s how you spell Kayley.

Sarah: I don’t really care because it’s not a real name.

Although they are identical, the show wants us to see just how different these two sisters are. Kayley has short, dark reddish hair, lives in the big smoke with her long-term girlfriend and has a successful job and a cat. Natalie has short blonde hair and is a hairdresser living at home in nearby Surrey. Natalie has no girlfriend and no cat. When you think about it, right now there is no proof that Natalie is actually a lesbian.

Natalie goes to view Jessie D’s flat early in the afternoon and is immediately ploughed with booze. She is clearly, then, too drunk to see properly because she appears not to notice Jessie D’s undergarments lying all over the shop and, in an unforeseen story arc, she takes the room.

Vagina-fearing Gary returns to the Candy Bar with right-hand woman Sam tucked under his arm. Sam is to become the bar’s new manager. Judging by Sam’s eyes of steel, her aim is to get the Candy Bar girls working like one hefty pint-pulling machine. Fun will be frowned upon.

We suspect this may go down like a lead balloon with current supervisor Alex, who likes to get drunk in her bra whilst working. And, quite frankly, who doesn’t?

The girls are all huddled into a very small room and Gary drops the bombshell about Sam being the new boss by using a metaphor about Indians and Chiefs.

Sarah: I saw Sandra there.

Gary asks if anyone has a problem with Sam’s appointment and everyone says no, although in the corner Alex passive aggressively chews the inside of her mouth like an insane cow and, for all intents and purposes, looks like she is squeezing out a s–t directly onto the Candy Bar sofa.

New boss Sam: Yeah, I think it went well, better than I anticipated.

While outside the bar …

Alex: I give you five seconds and I’m going to break the lens on that camera.

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