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“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.07: Like Taking Candy From a Blind Girl

Last time on Pretty Little Liars, “A” hijacked a fashion show and masqueraded around like the devil; Emily got naked in front of Samara, who then unforgivably brought another gay lady to Emily’s modeling debut; Spencer used her fists to knock out Mona’s teeth, which she immediately fashioned into a belt; Aria continued her inexplicable fascination with Jason DiLaurentis; and Hanna invited Emily to live with her.

You know it’s going to be a good episode when the first previously is Jenna and Aria in pottery class in the dark, circling each other like some blind sharks.

At the Marin house, where coffee flows like water, the Liars are debriefing the hell “A” wrought at the fashion show and wondering if Officer Garrett has made any progress with Logan Reed, the RPS delivery guy. I don’t really remember what Garrett was meant to be doing with that guy, actually. Figuring out the identity of the woman who paid him to drop off Ian’s hush money? Spencer says she’s hoping to get her hands on that sack of cash, I think, to buy back Melissa’s ring? Except doesn’t Spencer know “A” has the ring now because of the text last week? Also, why does Melissa even want that ring? It’s not like she needs another reminder that she married a homicidal maniac. You know, besides the Satan she’s incubating in her womb.

What’s important is that Hanna and Emily do this weird thing about how great it is to live together, in the exact same room, how it’s like a never-ending sleepover. And then Aria and Spencer do this other weird thing where they look at each other like, “Do they mean sleepover, sleepover?” Apparently there was a guest room that got flooded and so now Emily is sleeping on a trundle in Hanna’s own boudoir. And by boudoir, I mean pajamas.

The doorbell rings and it’s a delivery from “A,” of course – a basket of chocolates and massage oils and brogues and strap-ons. And a note:

Hanna tosses out the candy in disgust, ’cause it’s not even the good kind of chocolate, and she’s grown accustomed to a certain standard of confectionery bullying.

Montgomery House. Ella is helping Aria pick out a dress for a family dinner party. Aria goes, “I was thinking of pairing like a sleeveless bedazzled tuxedo shirt with some cut-off jean shorts and cowboy boots, and maybe these new earrings Spencer made out of Mona’s spleen.” Ella picks an elegant, black cocktail dress instead, and then tries to have a word with Mike, who comes clomping in the house, hollering about, “Gotta go! Late for school! Burgling ran over this morning!” The Montgomerys decide to invite Ezra and a plus one to their dinner party, which makes Aria’s eyebrows go wackadoodle.

At Marin’s Coffee Shop of Hidden Dollars, Emily is preparing egg white omelets for breakfast, with fresh parsley and everything. Fruit salad. Hand-squeezed orange juice. And you know she went out and bought that s–t herself. Ashley wouldn’t know fresh parsley if she was forced to whore herself out to it in order to free her daughter from some misdemeanor theft charges. Actually, Ashley is so impressed with the sight of actual food in her kitchen, she says she might go for the “daughter upgrade.” Which, not so funny on account of: a) Hanna’s dad already did that exact thing, and b) Hanna’s face foreshadows that it’s actually going to happen. Oh, God, if Emily gets homeless and is forced to share a tent with Caleb, I think I will die. She doesn’t even have her own tent; Mike stole it! Emily’s shoulder is hurting because of her new training.

Spencer and her dad have a quick chat about Toby doing some landscaping work for them. He’s going to clear out all the shrubbery and stuff from their back yard, where he surely will not find anything suspicious, especially after Jason was digging up all those holes in everyone’s yard in the middle of the night in the middle of those thunderstorms a couple of weeks ago. Spencer’s like, “You’ll make sure the contractor hires him if he does a good job, right?” And her dad is like, “Of course, Spence. You know how all your plans work out so well for you, especially when your mother or I get involved.”

Man, these girls have all kinds of time before class. When I was a teenager, I was lucky to make it to school before lunch. Aria has worked her way on over to Hollis College to give Ezra a copy of her new favorite book, One Million Feelings and the Feelers Who Feel Them. (Chapter 4: Inscrutable Indignation – If you are an underage girl whose grown-ass boyfriend won’t make out with you in front of your whole town on top of the coffin of the dead guy who murdered your best friend, maybe it’s time to start dating a drug-addled accomplice to the guy in the casket.”)

Aria wants Ezra to bail on dinner because the thought of sitting at the table if he refuses to make a scene over how they’re involved in a dubious, career-ruining – perhaps even illegal – relationship, is too much for her to bear. Ezra’s like, “Let’s just ease your parents into the sight of us together, and then if you want to get up to some hanky-panky on Ian’s grave, we’ll go to the cemetery.” Aria thinks that sounds reasonable.

At school, Emily is quizzing Hanna on all the things her mom loves so she can be sure to exhaust herself in the pursuit of house guest perfection. Hanna’s like, “Um, French toast, coffee, being a MILF, robbing banks.” She tells Emily to relax, though, because she’s not a guest, and Emily’s like, “THIS IS ME RELAXED!” The Lord, Emily. Spencer, take back over the Scooby gang before Emily goes for-real nutso-bananas, will you? Subtext viewers will note that Hanna double entendres, all: “We’ll have to work on [helping you relax].”

Caleb is in fight, obviously, with someone who stiffed him on a black market job. (So many kids in Juvie Camp around here, so few magic hackers.) Hanna offers to loan him some cash – “Whatever Jason buried in our backyard is fertilizing the s–t out of our money tree” – but Caleb refuses her help, while some faceless person in an unmarked car watches them from the parking lot.

God, Mike is the worst. He’s got an actual rearview mirror on his desk, which he’s using for full metaphoric effect to look at his parents. Particularly Byron, who finally – rightly! – loses his cool and tells Mike to stop breaking and entering for like five d–n seconds and come to their dinner party. “You need protein if you’re going to build up enough muscle to really make good use of a crowbar, Son.”

Toby is clearing out the Hastings’ back lot when Spencer wanders out and causes my brain to explode in a shower of hearts. She puts on this Scarlett O’Hara accent and literally says, “I figure I can set up a chair and fan myself while I watch you work. Or, I can make you a grilled cheese sandwich.” I’d like to set up a chair and listen to Spencer say saaaaaaandwich. I could do it all day. I could do it for as long as we both shall live. Frikkin Mr. Hastings stomps up in there, though, to c–k-block me make sure Toby hasn’t unearthed any bones or anything. He hasn’t, but he has created some professional-caliber plans for the murder barn. Blah, blah, blah everyone’s impressed. Go away, Spencer’s dad! You’re harshing mine and Toby’s sandwich buzz!

Guess who’s at Rosewood High, probably looking to start a Competitive Glowering Team? FloppyHair McMurderPants. Ella invites him to dinner, and Aria’s like, “My God, woman! My eyebrows can’t take much more of this!” Also, for the first time practically ever, one of the Liars’ parents has noticed how weird it is that the four of them get killed every week. Ella’s like, “If someone is terrorizing you, you can tell me.” Aria’s like, “No, Mom. Kids just get blackmailed, blacklisted and hit by cars sometimes. It’s life.”

Hey, Hanna finally got a bedroom! Hi, Hanna’s bedroom! (This is a cool video by PLL production designer Rachel Kamerman. It goes inside all the girls’ rooms and stuff. It’s neat if you’re into that sort of thing.) Emily is trying to do her homework while Hanna bounces around on her bed, just crooning to her iPod and flipping through about a dozen fashion magazines. Emily calls her name twice and then pummels her with a teddy bear. Hanna mostly wants to know how her singing was, and Emily’s like, “Loud! When I was living with my mom, the only noise I ever heard was her brewing potions to kill my girlfriends!” And also, her shoulder is still hurting.

After Emily defers to Spencer’s ball-crushing interrogation techniques, Spencer tracks down officer Garrett to see if he’s heard from Logan Reed. He has not. Because he gave him a hundred bajillion dollars to skip town. And also he doesn’t care because Ian’s buried, the incest videos are gone, and now he’s free to enjoy the musical stylings of JennaBot and Her Magical Flute of Doom any time he wants.

Ashley and Ella are enjoying some iced tea/alone time because Ashley, like Ella, has started to think it strange that their daughters keep getting murdered and thrown into jail for identifying their murderers. Also, they want to introduce this new plot into the show: “Mr. Hastings is an ass!” “Mr. Hastings in an ass?” “Yes, a rich ass!” “A rich ass, you say?” “So rich, and such an ass!”

And they’re right! Over on the Hastings back 40, Toby digs up an old field hockey stick, and Mr. Hastings pops out of the bushes, snatches it from his hands, and runs away, laughing maniacally. Toby’s like, “And Spencer thought I was in danger working for Jason. This town.”

He tells Spencer about the hockey stick, causing her flashback to the time she gave it to Ali, and then Ali and Jason took turns beating each other to death with it. She calls Aria to remind her about it, and Aria’s like, “Interesting, but I don’t have time to talk. I’ve got go stare at Jason staring at Ezra. Jason thinks, with the right training, I might have a shot at glowering in the Olympics! He’s starting a team at school, you know.”

Eternal sleepover. Emily is off to study at the library. This conversation deserves it’s own blockquote.

Hanna: Ems, you don’t have to go to the library; it won’t bother me if you study here.

Emily: With all due respect, studying here is like studying at the mall.

Hanna: I study at the mall all the time!

Emily: Yeah, well, I’m different.

Hanna: [whispering] Is this a … gay thing?

Emily: No, it’s a brain thing.

Also, it’s a gay thing.

Caleb bounces in as Emily bounces out. He’s sorry for being a wanker earlier when Hanna offered him the fruits of her money tree, but when he realizes her parents are gone, he propositions her for a whole other kind of fruits. But Hanna’s been living with Emily for two days now and her lesbianism is contagious. Hanna wants to go upstairs and talk about Caleb’s feelings, which are: “I used to work for the mob or something and then I escaped their evil clutches, so look for that to come back and bite me in the ass in future episodes. Last time I told you a secret, you boned me in the park. Is that a thing that’s going to happen now, too?”

At the Montgomery’s dinner party, Ezra is charming everyone with stories about cycling in Europe. European backpacking stories are my kryptonite. As soon as I hear someone telling one, I’m like, “You could keep telling that story. Or we can go somewhere and makeout.” But then Jason gets his Life Ruin on, going, “Yeah, bro. I ride my bike too. Sometimes on the moon. It’s the only thing that helps me forget – well, you know.” That’s so gross. Before the party really gets rolling, Rosewood PD shows up to drop a bomb about Mike being arrested for breaking and entering. Reverse glare! Ezra stares meaningfully at Aria who stares meaningfully at Jason.

Ella and Byron pick up Mike at the station, and he is full of remorse. Just kidding, he’s acting like a twat, per usual. Byron shouts at him and then Ella shouts at Byron for shouting at him. Mike didn’t kill anybody, but boy, he’s the most infuriating guy on this show. Angry at your parents for splitting up? Do more things to MAKE THEM SPLIT UP.

Aria’s doing dishes while Ezra and Jason measure their d–ks in front of the fireplace. They could both use a lesson in house guestery from Emily. Aria storms up to Mike’s room and finds All The Stolen Things, including JennaBot’s sunshine pottery from College Class! Back downstairs, she tosses out Ezra and Jason. Ezra, awesomely, goes, “Wait, you want both of us to leave?!” And once they’re out on the porch he dilly-dallys for like 20 minutes. Ezbian is going to write some motherf–king haikus tonight, you just watch.

When Mike gets home, Aria says the greatest thing she’s ever said: “YOU STOLE FROM A BLIND GIRL?!” Like her one best friend didn’t BLIND A BLIND GIRL, and her other best friend didn’t PUNCH A BLIND GIRL IN THE HEAD. Mike’s got a mental inventory of everything he’s ever stolen, and he knows the pottery came from Garrett’s house. Here’s the reveal: “I broke into a COP’S house to try to STEAL a GUN, but there was no GUN in the cop’s house, so I took this candle-holder instead of a GUN.” Aria’s like, “Wait, this vase wasn’t at JennaBot’s house?” And Mike’s like, “No. I stole it INSTEAD OF A F–KING SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON, OK?!” And Aria’s all, “OK, cool. The pottery is really all I’m interested in. See you when you murder me and Mom and Dad in our sleep.”

Ashley Marin is druuuuunk. Emily and Hanna are talking about how great it is to be roomies when Ashley stumbles in with Hanna’s dad and then drags him up to her room for some shagging. That’s not going to backfire on anyone.

Mr. Hastings is drinking Scotch and swearing under his breath about murder weapons. Spencer catches him trying to burn Ali’s hockey stick, and she’s all, “Uh, dude!” And he’s all, “Oh, sorry, did you want to put some rat’s blood on this before I stick it in the fireplace, or … ?” And then he tosses it onto the logs.

Spencer goes to meet with Officer Garrett to give him some more evidence to use against them, and just as she’s about to tell him who she thinks really murdered Ian, Aria texts an SOS about how Garrett is just another dude in this town they can’t trust. Trapped in the car in the dark with a pedophile? Welcome to every night of Spencer’s life.

The Risen Mitten has gotten her hands on some poison. While a pop-jazz version of Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays cleverly in the background, the Risen Mitten injects the poison into – WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. Is that Emily’s shoulder cream?! Is “A” POISONING EMILY? Oh, too far, Risen Mitten. Too far. The LesbianNation will see you burn in the Hastings fireplace for this!

#BooRadleyVanCullen Tweeter unite!

Next week: MAYA’S BACK! [Edit: Er, sorry. Maya’s back in episode 11. Not next week. I jumped the gun. The gun I found buried in Spencer’s backyard.]

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