Look, it’s sailors. Wow, this show really is trying to appeal more to gay men. Amid all the patriotic revelry, a man in very white pants does something very bad to a woman in very high heels. Welcome to Boston’s Fleet Week. Det. Jane Rizzoli is none too pleased with all the sailor boys making eyes at her Dr. Maura Isles. When one tries to flirt with her lady, Jane summarily shoos him away from the car saying Maura is “too young” for him. Too young or too gay? You say potato, I say too gay.
Jane and Maura have taken Mama Rizzoli out to brunch. Maura is so into being a good future daughter-in-law this season. She let Jane’s mom move into her guest house. She bought Jane’s mom’s horrendous painting for $500. And now she took Jane’s mom out to the gayest meal of all — Sunday brunch. You’d think she was building up to ask Mama Rizzoli permission for some sort of really big, really life-altering step that is now also legal in New York.
But before she can pop any sort of question, Mama R’s car starts to rumble and smoke. Stupid Buick. It probably voted yes on Proposition 8. Jane and Maura get out to see what’s amiss and, what’s this? Jane is wearing heels? Looks like Maura isn’t the only one trying to butter up her mom in preparation for a big announcement. They start to push the car, but then some sailors offer to do it for them. Jane seems somewhat reluctant — gotta keep up the butch street cred — but relents because even Det. Jane Rizzoli has to admit it’s hard to push a car in heels.
But what she seems much more upset about is the fact that the sailor called her “ma’am.” You see, she’d rather be addressed a little differently. “Sir is a sign of respect. Ma’am is for fat old cat ladies,” she tells Maura. Whatever you say, sir.
The car gets pushed to Mama Rizzoli’s neighborhood garage, and out from under a car pops Giovanni. He’s like Boston’s The Situation, except with less hair grease and more car grease. Maura immediately notices his shoulder-to-hip ratio and “long metacarpals.” No, no, no, Maura. How many times do we have to go over this? Straight women notice feet size. Gay women notice finger size. You’re going to have to do a better job at remembering these things if you want to keep up the charade, honey.
Seems Giovanni had a childhood thing for Jane, who clearly did not reciprocate. He also has a thing for saying people look hot. I take it back, he’s not The Situation; he’s Paris Hilton. When Jane thinks he’s about to try again with her, she uses Maura as a human shield to protect against the boy cooties. But Maura, who does not appreciate being used as living blockade, starts to flirt with him instead. And Jane, having none of that, springs into immediate Captain Cockblock mode.
Jane and Maura get called away on a case, but not before Maura tells Giovanni she wishes she could stay and help him “pull the front cover.” Man, she is really, really punishing Jane for that human shield thing. Of course, they don’t have a car, which makes getting to the crime scene problematic. So Giovanni says they can borrow his restored 1975 Alfa Romeo.
The ladies speed off in their shiny red sports car together with a license plate that reads “LUKNHOT” and, for once, a vanity plate tells the truth. Jane continues to grumble about Maura’s flirting with Giovanni and tells Maura to stay away from him. Maura teases her that it’s a “dibs” thing. Which is true: Jane has dibs on Maura.
Jane says Maura has nothing in common with Giovanni. She says he’s a “blue-collar, Boston Italian auto mechanic.” Maura says so is Jane, minus the auto mechanic thing. But, come on, I bet Jane is plenty good under the hood. You know what I mean? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Say no more.
And then this happens:
Maura: Well we’re best friends.Jane: Yes, but I am interesting. And, you don’t want to sleep with me.
Maura: [Head tilt. Pause.]
Jane: Do you?
Maur:: No. [Pause.] No!
Her mouth says, “No.” But her head tilt says, “Yes, immediately, in this car.”
Also, question: Do all straight female best friends routinely ask each other if they want to sleep together? Because if they do, I need more straight female friends.
While walking into the crime scene, Jane’s heel catches in a sewer grate and she stumbles slightly. You can put the butch in heels, but she’ll still suck at walking in heels. They find the poor unfortunate girl we saw attacked earlier, who was beaten, raped and strangled. It’s a pretty ugly scene, and I don’t just mean what Jane looks like trying to navigate her way back out of the crime scene in those shoes.
The woman came out of the Dirty Robber, which annoys Jane to no end because that’s her special place to drink and have eye sex with Maura. She heads inside to check it out and Maura says she’s coming with her. When Jane asks why, Maura says, “You are not the boss of me.” You see, when you have a bossy girlfriend sometimes you have to take these strong stands on silly things. Like, “I will squeeze this tube of toothpaste any way I want. You are not the boss of me!”
Back at headquarters, there is trouble in the cafeteria. Stanley, the cranky mailman, has taken over and is apparently filtering the coffee through his socks. And no one messes with Det. Rizzoli’s coffee. Then things go from bad to Code Greaseball for Jane when Giovanni walks in with carnations and a red-velvet box of chocolates. She tries to head him off with the whole “I have a boyfriend” routine. Frankie almost blows her cover with an incredulous, “You do? … Because you’re totally gay, big sister. Totally gay.” But it seems Giovanni isn’t there for her. He’s after Maura. Different tree, still barking wrong, buddy.
Giovanni tells Maura he wants to take her out and asks if she likes Italian. Maura says she loves Italians. Hmm. Maura loves Italians. Jane is Italian. Maura loves Jane. Isn’t logic wonderful?
Back on the case, the semen found on the victim comes from a seaman (too soon?), so they drag a sailor in for questioning who claims he didn’t do it. Whenever Jane and Maura aren’t on screen together all I hear Jane saying is, “Blah blah blah, how quickly can I get back to Maura, blah blah blah.” But before they can be reunited we find out Frost’s dad is an admiral in the Navy. Also, kind of a d–k.
Later at the Dirty Robber, Maura and Jane refuse to be chased away from their date spot because of some drunken sailors. They will, however, accept fruity cocktails from drunken sailors. I don’t blame them. If you have to endure being hit on by straight men, at least get them to buy you drinks. Or mozzarella sticks. Preferably both.
The happy couple gets called away to another crime scene before they can really enjoy all of their parasoled drinks. There is another rape victim, this time still alive — but barely. Seems Frost’s dad sprung the sailor earlier that night so they’re all livid. See what I was saying about the d–k thing?
At the hospital, Jane and Maura are at the new victim’s beside. She looks terrible and her injuries are horrific. But she wakes up long enough to say something about dolphins and a blue light. It’s probably not the right time to say this, given the terrible nature of the crime and all, but Angie Harmon even has chemistry with her comatose female co-stars.
As they leave the hospital, Jane gets a text from her mom. “Homey, I need a boner.” Yeah, that’s going on damnyouautocorrect.com immediately. Jane freaks out, because that’s what gay ladies do when you text them about boners. Maura translates the text for Jane from icky back to mom, saying “Honey I need a loaner.” Whew, that’s so much less traumatizing.
Frost calls to say the sailor has a rock-solid alibi. Jane’s more concerned about why Frost didn’t tell her his dad was an admiral. So there, in the middle of a big multiple-rape and murder investigation, Jane and Maura process their feelings about this. Maura calls Jane and Frost site-specific friends. Jane asks Maura if they would be friends if they didn’t work together. Maura says they wouldn’t see each other if they didn’t work together. Jane replies that then they wouldn’t be friends. And, finally, Maura calls it a false syllogism. Yeah, but that thing I said about Maura loving Jane earlier? That’s a true syllogism.
Also true, all the amazing hair porn happening in this scene. Ladies, if you don’t make out sometime soon, can you please at least stand close enough so all that shiny, pretty, gently cascading hair can tangle together in the wind. Thank you.
Jane figures out the blue light the victim mentioned was some light-up weather vane thingie. And from that they figure out she must have been in a hotel. Since the victim also mentioned dolphins, they figure out which hotel. So to use another syllogism, dolphins helped crack the case. Dolphins are just gay sharks. Maura and Jane also helped crack the case. Maura and Jane are just gay. Logic! Works every time.
Though back at Maura’s apartment, she is choosing to ignore my air-tight logic and is instead on a date with GioverymuchnotJanei. She has bought an elaborate Italian feast for them: mussels posillipo, beef carpaccio with a black truffle oil and fettuccine alla grappa with organic baby tomatoes. But he doesn’t like little tomatoes and just wants spaghetti with butter. Refusing truffle oil on a first date? Dealbreaker.
Maura offers Giovastlyoverestimatinghissexappeali wine. He asks for beer. Even though Maura doesn’t drink beer, she has a fridge full. Probably because Jane drinks beer. Wait, I feel another syllogism coming up. Giovanni, who wouldn’t know a syllogism from a can of Silly String, chugs his beer and then tells Maura he just wants to get her naked and lick her face.
He then tries to do just that. Maura ducks the tongue bath and tells Giovanni she feels nauseated. Remember Jane’s reaction to boner texts? That’s pretty much Maura’s reaction to male offers of face licking, times 100. You keep using the word heterosexual, but I do not think it means what you think it means, Jane and Maura.
Maura runs to the office to find Jane to complain about her date with Gioivannalickyourfacei. I also think she’s trying to make Jane a little jealous. She asks how to get rid of him and Jane tells her to tell the truth. Yes, Maura, the truth. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the big, gay truth.
So then blah blah blah, killer in a naval officer uniform used a suitcase to transport the victim, blah blah blah, Frost has major daddy issues, blah blah blah, how quickly can Jane and Maura start Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching again, blah blah blah. But instead Jane engaged in some TGTGT with Korsak when she finds out her mom has started working in the police cafeteria.
Before we can scream, “Wrong person, dummy,” Maura bursts in carrying a giant pink fuzzy bear. Giovannagetacluei gave it to her because he thinks they’re in a relationship. Are we sure he’s not secretly a lesbian? He seems to be U-Hauling pretty hard.
He also told Maura he is waiting on special parts for Mama Rizzoli’s car and Maura worries he means her special parts. Jane clearly can’t have that so she tells Maura she has a solution. And then Maura rewards her with a pink fuzzy bear kiss. Sadly, that is not a euphemism. But it is adorable.
Unfortunately Jane’s genius plan of grossing Giovanni out by showing him Maura cutting open a skull during an autopsy backfire because he thinks it’s wicked cool. So Jane and Maura console themselves by eating a chicken pot pie Mama R has baked for Maura. So, let me get this straight. In this episode Maura and Jane have asked each other if they want to sleep together, kissed via stuffed bear proxy, and now eaten together out of the same bowl. Good God, just get naked and lick each other’s faces already.
Frost realizes the killer isn’t Navy because his pants aren’t creased, which is the first time ironing has ever solved a murder case. The killer was hawking energy drinks dressed as a sailor and they track him down at the company warehouse. Foot chase. Car door. Janie’s got a gun. Another bad guy bites the dust.
But wait, Giovanni is still in the picture. So Jane and Maura do what they should have done all along. They tell the truth. They go to the repair shop, where they find Mama Rizzoli’s unexpectedly pimped out ride finally ready to be picked up, take a deep breath and proceed to engage in the mother of all TGTGT.
Maura calls Jane “babe.” Jane pulls Maura close. Maura snuggles even closer. Together they look like they’re posing for the gayest prom ever. Jane calls Maura and her “LLBFFs.” Maura pronounces it “L-biffs.” Jane says it stands for “Life-Long Best Friends Forever.” We know what it really stands for. Giovanni doesn’t get it. Giovanni finally gets it. Giovanni asks, “So you guys are batting for the other team?” Then Jane says the truest thing to ever be true : “We are.” Yeah, you are.
But it’s one thing when gay people pretend to be straight people who are pretending to gay people. It’s another when the gay just shines through. When Maura offers to reimburse Giovanni for his misplaced romantic gifts, and then also offers to pay for the car repairs in full, Jane gives her a look and lets out a barely audible, “Oh, babe.”
Giovanni makes a last ditch effort, telling Maura he thought they were soul mates. And then he brings out that old chestnut, “I’ve always wanted to try it with two girls.” Has that worked on any lesbian couple in the history of ever? Maura says it was very nice of him to ask. Jane says it was very nice, too — but in that way that means the polar opposite. When he says to call him if they change their mind, Jane leans over and gives him the old, “We’ll let you know.” Which, as we all know, is lesbian code for “When hell freezes over.”
Oh, and kids, “LLBFF” is the new “roommates.” Tell your friends.
And now, on to your fabulous #gayzzoli tweets. So much gay, so little time to zzoli this week.
