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“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.06: Fashion Nightmare

It’s time for the annual Rosewood Charity Fashion Show, which, even with the last-minute satanic tribute to Alison, is the least sinister annual Rosewoodian event we’ve ever seen. Remember the fun house with the bloody notes on the wall? Remember the scarecrows?

The Liars are folding programs and reminding us what happened at the end of the last episode – they watched a sex tape of their best friend projected onto a mausoleum in a graveyard in the middle of the night – then changing the subject to boyfriends and girlfriends. Hanna goes, “The person who killed our best friend might still be on the loose. Or, the person who killed our best friend and then definitely tried to kill Spencer and also recorded pervy videos of us since middle school is dead. So the chance one of us will be axe-murdered tonight is still pretty high. Hey, who’s bringing a date to the fashion show?”

Ezra is not coming. He left for Out Of Town with Spencer’s mom as soon as Pam Fields came back from there last week. Caleb is also not coming because Hanna hasn’t reinstated him to full boyfriend privileges yet. Toby is coming because he’s the greatest. And so is Samara, because it wouldn’t be a fashion show without some gays making some drama.

It’s the first time the Liars have been able to hang out without getting murdered all month, so of course Jason DiLaurentis texts Aria to ask if she can come outside and sit in his car so he can glower at her.

I’m serious. I mean, I get that he’s acting opposite of Lucy Hale‘s eyes, but blink or something, would you? For some reason, Jason doesn’t want people to know how he possibly killed his sister. Aria’s like, “No problem. I have become an expert at keeping secrets without looking suspicious. Step one) I look suspicious. Step two) At the most inappropriate times, I corner you and insist that we talk in private, only I will continue to talk in public, loudly. Step three) I accidentally sext my mom. Step four) I post your secret on my Website Page. Cool? Cool.”

Home time. Hanna’s dad is still in town, flirting with Ashley and making her martinis and pretty much just banging her on the kitchen counter when Hanna comes home. He’s like, “We’re making one last dinner together before I go home to my other family!” Hanna’s like, “Of all the gross people I know – and trust me, I know a lot – you are the grossest.”

Toby walks Spencer home and tries to get to second base with her, but they’re interrupted by Mr. Hastings shouting on the phone about, “How dare you let Jason come back here and dig holes in his yard?” Spencer’s like, “You might as well tell me who that was because I’ve got a black belt in Inspector-ing.” He does not, so she redials and gets Alison’s mom’s voicemail. You know what I wish? I wish Spencer’s dad had an affair with Alison’s mom and Ali is Spencer’s, like, half-sister. Wouldn’t that be incredible? Alas, if wishes and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a murder-free Christmas.

Pam Fields is missing her soldier. She is kind of having phone sex with him in the middle of the hallway like some kind of Aria, when Emily interrupts to ask him if he’ll look over an essay before she turns it in. Pam gets all teary and Emily’s like, “Just move to Texas and be with Dad. It’ll be fine. My life is only in danger every other hour.” Pam says she’ll think about it.

Pam, if you don’t mind, I’ma just reach past you and take back that Mom of the Year trophy. Great. Thanks.

Aria stops by Spencer’s for her morning bucket of coffee. Aria wants to know why Spencer’s dad was yelling at Ali’s mom. Spencer wants to know how many bodies Jason’s got stashed upstairs in his house. Aria’s like, “Look, I realize I haven’t made a single good decision since this show started, but I really like Jason, OK? When he looks at me, it’s like he’s really looking at me, you know?” Like he’s trying to set you on fire with his mind, more like. Spencer’s like, “Yeah, OK, if you go out with him, we’ll both be dating vampires, which could be cool, I guess.” Ali’s mom emails to ask if the Liars will meet her for lunch. The Liars are like, “Awkwardness and chicken salad? Count us in!”

At Rosewood’s one and only food and beverage establishment, Alison’s mom presents the Liars with prezzies: Dresses that belonged to Alison. They are apparently fashioned out of the same material as those Traveling Pants, interchangeable with all body types. Ali’s mom is like, “I want you to wear the dead girl’s dresses. It’s the least you can do for the dead girl, who is torturing you in death even more than she tortured you in life.” Hanna is creeped out most, Aria second most. Emily’s not creeped out much at all because let’s be honest: She got inside Ali’s clothes more than anyone else. And Spencer is making out with a guy who boned his sister; her creepydar is broken.

When did Mona Vanderwall get amazing? I mean, she did give us glamping last season, which was pretty awesome, but this year Janel Parrish has just taken it to a whole new level. Did you know she was in the Bratz movie? And that she played Scout Finch in a stage production of To Kill a Mockingbird? How freaking perfect are both of those things? Actually, wait. It gets better. She was Young Cosette in Les Mis, too. Crying at all is not allowed. Not in her castle on a cloud.

Anyway, Mona is heading up the fashion show committee on account of how Spencer’s been neglecting her duties because of the whole “my sister married a pedophile zombie who killed my friend and then tried to push me off a bell tower and then died/didn’t die/died” thing. Watching Mona on PLL is kind of like watching the story of Blair Waldorf from the opposite point of view of Blair Waldorf. Whatever. It’s amazing from every angle. She tells Spencer she took over because everyone thought Spencer was going to jail. And it’s like, nobody gets the jump on Spencer. You cross her, she smites you. Just like that. But even she’s too stunned by Mona’s amazingness to retaliate.

Oh, also, Mona hired Noel Kahn to DJ, at which point you know the building is going to blow up or something. Or, like, Mike Montgomery is going to smash the windows and slash the tires of everyone’s cars while the show’s going on.

Guys, take a deep breath and do it now. You won’t be able to breathe at all in 30 seconds. Samara is a seamstress, it seems, and Emily has coaxed her into tailoring her Traveling Dress for the fashion show. Samara does some calculations or whatever while Girls Love Shoes sing about: Don’t you want to see Emily flaunt what she’s got? Samara goes, “Take it off,” and the camera lingers all over Emily as she moves into the closet and shimmies out of her dress and then steps out of it, completely naked, except for some heels. Sexualizing the lesbian character without objectifying her? One BILLION points for Gryffindor.

Samara is standing in Emily’s room, fidgeting and shuffling her feet and squirming and trying to swallow, and that’s before Emily pokes her head out and says, “You should come – see your handiwork on the runway. Can you pass me that hanger?”

Samara can’t breathe some more, so she kind of chokes out that she has plans tomorrow night. Emily totally ignores her, just stands there in her closet taking her time getting dressed. Like it never even occurs to her that Samara might be bringing a date to the show, because why would she? Emily goes, “You should bring your friend; I have an extra ticket.” And Samara just passes the f–k out, right there on Emily’s bedroom floor.

It’s the sweet ones who always have the most game in the end.

Hanna’s dad brings Thai food over for dinner, and Hanna goes full Krav Maga on him about how he needs to stop dicking Ashley around. And then she throws away his dinner for good measure.

Aria is collecting photos for Alison’s fashion show tribute, which she “runs by” “Jason” to make sure they’re OK. But really she’s just trying some kind of magic trick to help him regain his memory. She’s, like, showing him one photo of Alison from her death day and narrating what happened, and then another photo from her death day and narrating what happened. And Jason’s like, “My God, it’s going to take a hundred years if we cover all the intricacies of her time travel the day she was murdered! Wait, are you trying to make me remember if I killed her? Dammit, Aria.”

At fashion show practice, Mona is Spencer-ing like a pro. Of course, science dictates that a single space cannot be occupied by two Spencers without the earth’s core exploding, so actual Spencer bounces to the dressing room to make out with Toby so she can calm down a little bit.

Backstage, Samara visits Emily with two things in tow: 1) Her dress. 2) A Gay Lady. I haven’t seen the casting call for the role or anything, but I am positive it just says: “Lady, Gay.” OK, and also, how come they always making the guest lesbians have such severe hair? Samara wants Emily to try on her dress to make sure it fits properly, and also because she wants to be near her nakedness again. And Gay Lady over there goes, “She’s not going to be happy until she knows it’s perfect,” and then she sort of smarms at Samara? Oh, Jesus. I just noticed they’re holding hands. Emily, listen to me – Run. I mean it. You’ve dealt with murderers and vampires and werewolves and zombies, but what you haven’t dealt with is a possessive lesbian “best friend.” Tip number one: She doesn’t want to be Samara’s friend. Tip two: She will kill you faster than Ian can creepy-chop a bell pepper.

Gay Lady’s name is Quin. ‘Cause: duh.

Samara says it’s crowded out there and Quin offers to let Samara sit in her lap. She goes, “It wouldn’t be the first time.” And then she pees on Samara’s leg, in case she hadn’t made her point with all the previous posturing.

Hanna’s eye roll is so perfect. She’s like, “How come I don’t have a date, but you have a date who brought a date?”

Because she’s a 17-year-old lesbian, Hanna. Wait until she’s 30. Everywhere she goes, she’ll have a date who has a date who has a date who has a date who is Maya.

When Samara pops backstage again, she’s all, “That is one lucky dress,” which is kind of hot. And then Emily’s all, “Yeah, I know, but, look: Do you sit in Quin’s lap, like, a lot?” Samara tries to take back the game, talking about how Emily said she wanted to take it slow and blah blah whatever. Emily, I have so much to teach you! It’s the opposite game that’s happening right now! Don’t fall for it or you’ll be living with her by sundown!

Spencer spies her dad screaming at Ali’s mom again, Hanna spies her parents slow dancing, and Aria spies Jason spying her, intensely, but then I spy Mona parting the crowd with her shriek and her glasses, hollering about the models not being ready.

Fashion show montage. Glam, glam, glam. Aria pats Spencer’s ass. It’s all very amazing. Not as amazing as it’s going to be, though. The Liars wear their Traveling Dresses out to the edge of the runway for Ali’s tribute, but then her photo morphs into a devil face and Satan starts breathing like Darth Vader over the PA and Perez Hilton starts writing on the backdrop, like, “Bitch! Evil Girl! Horrible Person! Bulimia-Giver! Bi-Curious-Teaser! Ian-F–ker!” Everyone is terrified/impressed, but Spencer runs over to Noel Kahn’s DJ booth and shuts down the whole thing. Bummer.

After the show, Caleb – dressed like some kind of shipping magnate from the 1800s who smokes a pipe and says things like, “Positively spiffing to see you again, old chap!” – asks to walk Hanna home. Before they can get out the door, “A” leaves a message on the overhead projector: My dresses. My game. My rules. The Liars run out in a hurry, except for Aria, who has to go back stage to collect her sack full of TRESemmé products. Noel Kahn stalks up on her and is either very nice or very menacing; it’s hard to tell because of how he only has one facial expression and how he ends every sentence with an uptick? Like a question? But Jason swoops in and makes him scram.

Post-fashion show hijinks:

Emily’s mom has decided to take Emily up on her offer of abandonment, which means – wait, what? Emily is moving in with Hanna? EMILY IS MOVING IN WITH HANNA!

Hanna’s dad is staying in Rosewood since Nia Peeples is going to Out Of Town indefinitely, I guess. Spencer wants to know why her dad keeps punching Ali’s mom in the neck, but he won’t tell her. And Jason and Aria have gotten into a stare-off, which will probably last until Thanksgiving, knowing those two.

But what’s the Rissen Mitten up to? Oh, you know, just surfing some Website Pages, looking for Tory Burch boots in brown like the ones Annabeth Gish wore that one time. Max relaxing. Enjoying a glass of wine. Whatevs. Every day can’t be homicide, homicide, homicide, you know.

Next week, we start the downhilll slide toward autumn. Can you believe we’re halfway through the summer season already? Me either. It seems like Jason got that head transplant just yesterday.

I promise to be back to live Tweeting #BooRadleyVanCullen next week! You guys are more amazing than Mona Vanderwall!

If you put book spoilers in your comment, be a dear and tag them as spoilers!

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