It’s time for the annual Rosewood Charity Fashion Show, which, even with the last-minute satanic tribute to Alison, is the least sinister annual Rosewoodian event we’ve ever seen. Remember the fun house with the bloody notes on the wall? Remember the scarecrows?
The Liars are folding programs and reminding us what happened at the end of the last episode — they watched a sex tape of their best friend projected onto a mausoleum in a graveyard in the middle of the night — then changing the subject to boyfriends and girlfriends. Hanna goes, “The person who killed our best friend might still be on the loose. Or, the person who killed our best friend and then definitely tried to kill Spencer and also recorded pervy videos of us since middle school is dead. So the chance one of us will be axe-murdered tonight is still pretty high. Hey, who’s bringing a date to the fashion show?”
Ezra is not coming. He left for Out Of Town with Spencer’s mom as soon as Pam Fields came back from there last week. Caleb is also not coming because Hanna hasn’t reinstated him to full boyfriend privileges yet. Toby is coming because he’s the greatest. And so is Samara, because it wouldn’t be a fashion show without some gays making some drama.
It’s the first time the Liars have been able to hang out without getting murdered all month, so of course Jason DiLaurentis texts Aria to ask if she can come outside and sit in his car so he can glower at her.
I’m serious. I mean, I get that he’s acting opposite of Lucy Hale’s eyes, but blink or something, would you? For some reason, Jason doesn’t want people to know how he possibly killed his sister. Aria’s like, “No problem. I have become an expert at keeping secrets without looking suspicious. Step one) I look suspicious. Step two) At the most inappropriate times, I corner you and insist that we talk in private, only I will continue to talk in public, loudly. Step three) I accidentally sext my mom. Step four) I post your secret on my Website Page. Cool? Cool.”
Home time. Hanna’s dad is still in town, flirting with Ashley and making her martinis and pretty much just banging her on the kitchen counter when Hanna comes home. He’s like, “We’re making one last dinner together before I go home to my other family!” Hanna’s like, “Of all the gross people I know — and trust me, I know a lot — you are the grossest.”
Toby walks Spencer home and tries to get to second base with her, but they’re interrupted by Mr. Hastings shouting on the phone about, “How dare you let Jason come back here and dig holes in his yard?” Spencer’s like, “You might as well tell me who that was because I’ve got a black belt in Inspector-ing.” He does not, so she redials and gets Alison’s mom’s voicemail. You know what I wish? I wish Spencer’s dad had an affair with Alison’s mom and Ali is Spencer’s, like, half-sister. Wouldn’t that be incredible? Alas, if wishes and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a murder-free Christmas.
Pam Fields is missing her soldier. She is kind of having phone sex with him in the middle of the hallway like some kind of Aria, when Emily interrupts to ask him if he’ll look over an essay before she turns it in. Pam gets all teary and Emily’s like, “Just move to Texas and be with Dad. It’ll be fine. My life is only in danger every other hour.” Pam says she’ll think about it.
Pam, if you don’t mind, I’ma just reach past you and take back that Mom of the Year trophy. Great. Thanks.
Aria stops by Spencer’s for her morning bucket of coffee. Aria wants to know why Spencer’s dad was yelling at Ali’s mom. Spencer wants to know how many bodies Jason’s got stashed upstairs in his house. Aria’s like, “Look, I realize I haven’t made a single good decision since this show started, but I really like Jason, OK? When he looks at me, it’s like he’s really looking at me, you know?” Like he’s trying to set you on fire with his mind, more like. Spencer’s like, “Yeah, OK, if you go out with him, we’ll both be dating vampires, which could be cool, I guess.” Ali’s mom emails to ask if the Liars will meet her for lunch. The Liars are like, “Awkwardness and chicken salad? Count us in!”
At Rosewood’s one and only food and beverage establishment, Alison’s mom presents the Liars with prezzies: Dresses that belonged to Alison. They are apparently fashioned out of the same material as those Traveling Pants, interchangeable with all body types. Ali’s mom is like, “I want you to wear the dead girl’s dresses. It’s the least you can do for the dead girl, who is torturing you in death even more than she tortured you in life.” Hanna is creeped out most, Aria second most. Emily’s not creeped out much at all because let’s be honest: She got inside Ali’s clothes more than anyone else. And Spencer is making out with a guy who boned his sister; her creepydar is broken.