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“Exes & Ohs” recap 204: “Frog Girls and Wet T-Shirts”

Previously: Jen turned her viral sex tape into a teachable moment for a film lecture. Sam ‘fessed up that she doesn’t have two nickels to rub together, and that’s why she’s not in the mood to rub anything else with Elizabeth. After her mom and partner made her the odd girl out, Kris feels the love again. Now, if only her mother would go home.

This week, Jen and Sam have formed their own two-woman activity club, and are about to enjoy the day tooling around Seattle on rented bicycles. As they gear up, Sam complains that Barry is on her ass to bring in more bar business. If she can pry lesbians off their couches, she’ll get a raise and be made manager. If she can’t, she’s fired. But no pressure.

Sam begs Jen for some ideas, but Jen points out that just because she eats food, it doesn’t mean she can cook; she has no idea how to run a gay bar. In her desperation, Sam insists Jen give something, anything, so she blurts out, “doughnut party!”

OK, she’s just throwing words together. Pretzel dance! Laundry dinner! Bi-curious actress!

Jen assumes Sam has already considered the most obvious idea: a wet t-shirt contest. Or has she? Nope. Somehow, the popularity of women thrusting out their chests while wearing clingy cotton has completely escaped Sam. Of course, it’s a brilliant idea. If for no other reason than it’s not a doughnut party.

At the bar, Sam tells Barry that women will soon be lining up to buy drinks and holler inappropriately at other women’s nipples. Barry approves, even though he’s gay. Sam’s also commissioned Devin to create a website for the bar with a “missed connections board, and links to site like AfterElton for you, and AfterEllen for us.” A shout out! Holla!

Here, we see Devin installing a new webcam, so Eurobians can enjoy the show from their time zone. I just made up that word.

Devin is not only the aforementioned barista, yenta and web designer, she’s also an electrician. I think the name Devin is Gaelic for “handy lesbian.”

Elsewhere, Jen and Gillian are doing their part to save the environment — they’ve just finished showering together. They also conserve electricity by using the light reflecting off their skin, the whitest I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, girls. Go outside once in a while.

Jen mentions having jitters over her new job as a full-blown instructor at Gillian’s school. Seems her guest lecture not only wow’d the students, it impressed the dean enough to hire her.

Gillian: If you get nervous today, just do what I do.

Jen: Oh please. Don’t say, “Picture them naked” because I’ve tried and I just picture myself naked and that makes me even more nervous.

Gillian: I was going to say imagine you’re Xena.

Jen: Xena Warrior Princess?

No, Xena the Phone Psychic. Yes! Xena! Aiii eeeeiiii aaiiii!

Gillian says, “Why not? She kicks ass! Plus, she’s powerful, confident, she doesn’t get nervous, she’s hot.”

You simply cannot argue with that logic. Plus, there’s the armor-plated bustier and wrist cuffs to end all wrist cuffs.

Over at Kris’s and Chris’s, Chris continues snoring while Kris pads downstairs, where she finds her mother having a quiet Folger’s moment. Sheila says she’s worried the girls are working so much, they don’t have time to make sweet boo bear love. The best part of waking up… is sex talk with your mother. Hmm. That’s not right.

Meanwhile, Sam is visiting Elizabeth in her office when she mentions her promotion to bar manager and wet t-shirt contest organizer. Elizabeth’s face curdles. Oh yes, she has a problem with wet t-shirt contests, even though she doesn’t admit it. And yet, she leers at Sam’s boobs in her hot dog uniform every chance she gets. Hypocrite much?

Jen shows up late for her first class (damn Seattle weather!) and immediately encounters a student majoring in douchery. He belittles her for mentioning the rain while leaning back with his feet on the desk.

Jen ignores his arrogant tone and turns to begin writing on the board. Then, he snidely asks if they’ll be getting out early today and fiddles with a paper airplane. Jen freezes, the tip of her dry erase marker hanging in mid-air. She turns —

Jen Butler. The Walter Mitty of Lesbians.

You think Callisto was bad? Meet the most insidious Xena villain of all: the graduate film student.

Back in reality, Jen calmly tells Mr. Smart Mouth, “Ya know, I may be new to this, but I don’t think it’s wise to piss off the person grading you, unless of course, you enjoy flunking your classes.” Gabrielle would be so proud.

Gillian finds Jen on campus and asks how her day went. That’s nice. More importantly, Jen sees the large manila envelope Gillian is holding and asks, “Whatcha got there?” Gillian has just received her divorce papers and plans on signing them just as soon as she finds a pen.

After school, Jen and Sam do a little window shopping. Jen tells Sam how thoughtful it was for Gillian to ask how her first lecture went.

This is the “Little Things” Rule: Little things say a lot about how someone feels about you, so pay attention to them. You hear that, chickens? If she only kisses you when she’s drunk — run.

“How was your day?” goes a long way with Jen, because when we next see her with Gillian, Jen is telling her to open the little sumpin-sumpin she bought her. Ooh, I love presents!

It’s not a ring. It’s worse. It’s the key to her apartment.

Jen says, “When we met, it was my plan to kiss as many frogs as possible, before I, ya know… But I didn’t expect you. And now it turns out, you’re the only frog I want… will you be my girlfriend?”

Check yes or no. Oh, wait. That’s that other show.

Over at Barry’s Bar, Elizabeth is pissing all over Sam’s wet t-shirt contest. We usually use water, but thanks. Elizabether is being incredibly judge-y, considering she ogles and paws at Sam whenever she’s wearing her tight Bunz t-shirt. Elizabeth seems to think she’s the only one allowed to enjoy the bennies of nice boobies.

Maybe it’s because she’s so much better than everyone else is.

Sam: I’m not clear. Back when I was working at Bunz, wearing little more than a fake smile, you couldn’t be more supportive. But now you’re upset because I’m managing a wet t-shirt contest?

Elizabeth: [texting] Sorry. I’m on call tonight.

Sam: You charge for your services…

Elizabeth: You can’t possibly compare the two. I help people evolve. You help girls in wet t-shirts jiggle their way down your old road of flirting and temptation, none of which is exactly conducive to a healthy relationship.

If Elizabeth is so smart, why doesn’t she know that wet t-shirt contests are all about evolution. It’s called “Survival of the Tittest.” Look it up.

Kris, Chris and Sheila are sitting in a nice restaurant, when it turns out to be a farewell dinner; Sheila announces she’s going home to help Kris’s dad with their farm in Vermont.

Kris immediately perks up — yay! Mom is getting out of her hair! — while Chris looks like a sad, sad Basset hound. Sheila says she wants to give the girls more than a winter garden of herbs, root vegetables and cannabis, and spills some turnip seeds on the table.

The girls don’t get it and neither do I. Sheila explains, “You must not neglect your sexual obligations.”

Chris immediately orders a vodka and cranberry, hold the cranberry.

Tonight is the make or break wet-t-shirt night for Sam. Barry tells her she might have to get up there and be the first contestant because no one’s signed up yet. No one wants to go first.

You know that’s what penguins do, right? They push and jostle until one of them falls off the ice floe. And if that one penguin doesn’t get eaten by a shark, they all jump in. Why does Sam have to be the first penguin?

Sam says she has no intention of taking one for the team, so she grabs Devin and pours a pitcher of water on her. See? It’ll be hot. Don’t worry!

Barry doesn’t see the allure. Because Barry’s gayer than Chris Colfer riding a unicorn with a Colt model through the Castro.

Just then, Jen and Gillian stop in for a drink. While Jen is in the bathroom, Sam makes small talk with Gillian about how exciting it must be getting a key to Jen’s place and getting a divorce, all in the same week. Gillian smiles and says, “Eh, almost a divorce. Just need to sign the papers.”

She hasn’t signed the papers yet? You and I know if someone is done, they can not sign those papers, change those locks, or move out of state fast enough. Gillian’s turning out to be more frog than princess.

Sam knows it, too, and serves Gillian a drink loaded with salt. Never piss off a bartender. Jen knows all of Sam’s tricks, even if Gillian doesn’t. Out of earshot, she confronts her.

Jen: The last time you pulled that was with Sienna.

Sam: And look how well that turned out.

Jen: I thought you liked Gillian.

Sam: That was before I found out she still hadn’t signed her divorce papers.

Jen: She what?

Ribbet.

While Kris and Chris bump lady parts because they finally have the house to themselves again, Jen and Gillian are having a hard conversation about divorce. Gillian promises to sign the papers in the morning. Or after lunch. Or on Arbor Day.

Jen comes to the painful realization that Gillian really did only want a Bridge Girl, so she sadly applies (the rarely followed) “When to Say When” rule and breaks up with her.

Jen deserves more. She deserves better. She deserves someone with more melanin.

Over at Barry’s Sam is trying to get girls to sign up for her contest, lest it be a flop and she loses her job. From across the room, Elizabeth spies her talking to a would-be contestant and purses her lips together like the uptight control freak she’s become.

Sam takes Elizabeth outside to explain she wasn’t flirting, but Elizabeth smiles and says she’s not mad. Well, which is it? Elizabeth claims she’s come around to the idea of a wet t-shirt contest, and furthermore, now remembers how hot Sam is. Make up your mind, weirdo.

Just then, Kris and Chris show up, late. And Jen arrives alone. Well, it’s about time! The contest is about to start. They all turn to go inside when the Seattle sky opens up and it starts to pour. The girls shriek and try the back door. Locked. They start to run towards the front door.

Just then, Devin opens the back door, so they turn around again and finally run inside. The contest is getting under way and they’ve all stumbled right into the middle of it. The crowded bar cheers like crazy, as bulky sweaters overtake the t-shirts. Barry’s eyes light up with lavendar dollar signs.

I vote for the preggers lady, or the Egyptian.

Later, Sam dances with Elizabeth, Kris and Chris wring out their drawers, and Jen sits by herself in the corner, sad and hurt. Oh, Xena. Where are you when we need you?

Next week: Jen struggles with her breakup with Gillian. Sam struggles to meet Elizabeth’s expectations. Chris and Kris realize that parenting classes are not the answer to raising a baby.

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