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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 207

Previously: Cori and Kacy finally got inseminated, but also lost a vial of precious seed to a freezer malfunction. Whitney and Alyssa made a mold of their friend’s privates. Sajdah forced Chanel to endure a day of romance to guilt her into having sex. Claire asked Vivian to come to LA after Francine threw her crap on the front lawn. And Romi got fired up about her new job, while Kelsey just got fired.

Sajdah and Chanel have been dating for a month, and what a month it’s been. Sajdah rented a house for Chanel’s birthday, put together a day of romance filled with activities and servitude, agreed to an HIV test and bought her a necklace.

For her part, Chanel gave Sajdah a little sex, laughs at her lame jokes and endures her occasional temper. I’m not sure who has it worse.

Today, Sajdah and Chanel are mixing drawers and thongs at the laundromat. As their clothes go into the spin cycle, Sajdah demands, “You moving in. You’re my wife.” She awkwardly, barely picks Chanel up (if you’re gonna act the stud, at least get to the gym), pins her against the wall, and tries to hump her.

Chanel smiles her signature non-committal smile but she is not pleased one bit. I can’t imagine why not. Isn’t it every girl’s dream to be date raped in public by someone wearing gym shorts and shower shoes?

Sajdah: I’m just trying to bang you out.

Chanel: That’s what I’m saying. I don’t want to be banged out.

Sajdah: F-ck that.

Sajdah then grabs at Chanel’s breast and repeats, “You’re moving in with me.” What a charmer.

While that graceful courtship is going on, Kacy goes to a church to pray with all her heart for a baby.

Dear god. Please let Cori be pregnant. Or send us more money so we can afford more sperm. And please don’t make us have to use Whitney’s inseminator. Amen.

Over at the lesbian receiving area of LAX, Claire is waiting for Vivian to arrive. She’s even parked the car and come inside to wait by the gate, instead of standing at the curb. That’s how important Vivian is to Claire.

They hug like Vivian is returning from two tours in Afghanistan and head for the car, where Claire has placed a single red rose on the passenger seat. Vivian says she would not have come to LA if things were going well with Francine.

Well, that’s good, because Claire says if things with Francine had gone well, she wouldn’t have invited her. Oh Claire. Some things are better left unsaid.

But since everything turned to sh-t, Vivian seems happy to visit the land of sunshine and slouchy hats. And Claire’s just thrilled to have one person with her who doesn’t hate her guts. Yet.

Claire wonders how long it will be before she and Vivian start fighting. Vivian reminds her they don’t fight. “You’re confusing me with your other Asian,” she says half-kiddingly. Maybe we do really all look alike.

Later that night, Francine and her new girlfriend, Khristianne, are double-dating with Romi and her old dependent, Kelsey. Since Romi was in Vegas, and Kelsey was on a bread line, they’ve been out of the gossip loop. Francine has some really juicy news: Claire’s been talking some major sh-t about all of them.

Francine: She goes like this: “Everyone’s such a loser on the show. No one even has a real job. Everyone works in retail and make up. That’s not a real job.” And then she’s like, “Hello Francine. Putting all our differences aside, will you come and support my new project?” So, basically, she talked sh-t about everyone, and wants us to help her. Yeah, and then she’s like, “And Whitney. All she does is party for a living.”

Romi: Bitch, you moved here with no job! Go back! Go!

Penniless Kelsey munches on whatever Romi bought her and drones, “Ew. Hate people like that.”

Romi shakes her head with finality and immediately starts texting the news all over town. Kelsey bounces in her seat excitedly as Francine adds the cherry on top: “You know what she said about Sara? She said she has a dog face.”

Oh no, she d’int! Leave it to Claire to let her yap flow smack about anyone who doesn’t embrace her smirky awesomeness, and then, have the balls to ask for a favor.

In a New York minute, the news has reached Whitney. She’s floored because she thought she and Claire had a decent rapport. Who doesn’t like Whitney?

Rose Garcia is there, hanging out, and says with uncharacteristic calm that Claire is just a snotty Deb. What can ya do? If you want Rose to bring the crazy, you have to pay for it, I guess.

Whitney declares that Claire can’t make things happen because she has no personality and no soul. Actually, you don’t need a soul to make it in LA, but you mos def need a personality. You will be forgiven almost anything, except the unspeakable crime of being boring.

While Whitney, Romi and their friends circle the wagons, their unsuspecting victim is home, soaking in the sights and smells of Vivian cooking dinner for her. As she should. Because she’s Claire.

After dinner, Vivian jumps into bed wearing stockings and a frilly garter belt for Claire’s enjoyment. Life is unfair, isn’t it?

Somewhere across town, that other ham-fisted jackass, Sajdah, is begging Chanel for a kiss and wondering how Claire does it.

The next day, Romi and Kelsey take a small picnic to the park to talk about drinking. Romi tries to sell Kelsey on the deliciousness of a Virgin Mary, but Kelsey isn’t buying it and counters that Bloody Mary’s are way more better.

She says she doesn’t intend to stay sober forever because “I don’t want to live my life with a bunch of pressure on me.”Yeah, who needs that noise when she can watch cartoons all day?

While Kelsey dreams of a lesbian bar in the sky, where talking unicorns serve free vodka, Romi worries she’s the only one working on their relationship.

Even Romi’s hair works harder than Kelsey.

Elsewhere, Cori is sure she’s pregnant. Because she’s warm. And her eyebrow twitched. And it’s Tuesday.

The theme of this week’s episode seem to be wish fulfillment because while Claire wishes everyone would bend to her will, Corcy wishes the stork would make a delivery to their apartment, Whitney wishes she had never met Claire, and Romi wishes Kelsey would grow up, Chanel is wishing that Sajdah wasn’t such a tool.

Over at Whitney’s house, Rachel is telling the girls about her interview at Vidal Sassoon in Santa Monica. She wants and need the job so badly, she says she’s willing to give someone head to get it. And if she doesn’t get it, she says she doesn’t know what she’ll do, and holds back her tears.

Rachel smiles but her eyes are always deeply sad. Hide the razors.

Since meeting and hooking up in Season 1, Romi and Whitney have settled into a nice friendship. While most of Romi’s good-time friends have dumped her because she doesn’t drink anymore, Whitney has stuck by and tells her she’s proud of her.

While out to dinner, just the two of them, Whitney asks Romi what’s going on with Kelsey, for real.

Romi: We are in two different worlds right now. Like, we just are.

Whitney: Is she sober?

Romi: She’s sober, but she said today that she doesn’t want to be sober forever. And I was like, “Well, I do. I’m not on a cleanse. I’m doing a lifestyle change.” We’re not getting younger. There’s got to be a time when we start finding someone to, like, kinda build a life with.

Romi has officially outgrown the show.

She thanks Whitney for buying her dinner. It’s nice when someone else treats you, for once. Somewhere, Kelsey is enjoying her stress-free life, playing Angry Birds while eating government cheese.

It’s dark outside now and you know what that means. The thin, the young and the trendy are all getting ready to go to Haute. Claire sits on her couch, grinning with creepy anticipation at the prospect of running into Francine while she has Vivian on her arm.

She wonders if Vivian will end up dancing with Francine, but Vivian assures her, “That’s not going to happen. I won’t do that to you.”

Vivian isn’t the one Claire needs to worry about. Unbeknownst to her, the entire Haute clique has heard about her sh-tty texts and insults. Claire doesn’t know it yet, but she’s about to walk into a buzz saw of lesbian revenge. For the love of god, someone get sweet, innocent Vivian outta there.

Claire leaves her BMW with the valet and is immediately confronted by Whitney, who wants to give her the benefit of the doubt until she hears otherwise. Claire denies everything and blames Francine for turning people against her. Please. Claire can do bad all by herself.

When Whitney shows Claire the texts that Romi sent her, Claire acts like she has no idea where any of this is coming from. Plausible denial works better when you don’t leave an electronic trail behind, dumbass. Has Andrew Weiner taught us nothing?

Whitney’s bullsh-t detector is pinging like mad when Francine arrives. They start comparing notes and come to the same conclusion: Claire is going to be featured in a sequel to the book Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.

Francine is appalled that Claire’s claiming it never happened. To prove she’s not the douche in this scenario, Francine proceeds to throw Claire under the bus in front of everyone. And by “everyone” I mean the five lesbians in the reserved Showtime cabana who care about any of this.

Francine: You told me that everyone’s a loser on the show and no one has a real job except for me.

Claire: Really? I said all that?

Francine: You did. You told me that. And then you told me that Sara has a dog face. You didn’t say that? Tell me to my f-cking face you didn’t say that.

Claire: I didn’t say that.

Francine: [standing] Oh really? You are a lying person! Wow! Wow! [pointing] This girl’s lying!

Claire: Francine, you are literally f-cking making an ass out of yourself.

As the others look on, Claire and Francine launch a screaming verbal barrage of insults at each other about who’s the bigger a-hole.

Claire really should stop going to Haute.

Francine is so upset, she starts to cry. Strangely, Vivian goes over to comfort her, assuring Francine she’s not a bad person.

As those two act out their own version of Saving Face, Claire concedes she’s a cheater, and an a-hole, but won’t own up to being a liar, as if being a cheater and an a-hole are no biggies. Vivian’s just annoyed that she’s being dragged into Claire’s nightmare. Welcome to the sh-t storm. Have a nice day.

And once again, Claire leaves Haute early, and in a huff. Whether you’re on Team Francine or Team Claire, I think we can all agree on a few things. We’re glad we’re not them. They all deserve each other. And Vivian got cute for nothing.

Romi missed last night’s fireworks because she’s turned in her shot glass for a shot at being a jewelry designer. She’s made a connection with a jewelry company and sets up an appointment to show the owner her designs. Exciting!

Also exciting? Electric blue mascara. Get yours now, while supplies last.

The morning after the sh-t show at Haute, Claire realizes no one is coming to her amazeballs photo shoot. As Vivian listens patiently, Claire rehashes last night, working up a froth until she’s basically arguing with herself.

Vivian says to the camera, “Claire is a super brat. She’s a large child. She really does need to be able to apologize, and be mature, and handle what she needs to handle.”

I would like to propose a show starring Scarlett, Alyssa and Vivian. Oh wait. There’s already a show called Intervention. Never mind.

Rachel has gotten some bummer news: She didn’t get the job at Vidal Sassoon. She’s just devastated, mostly because she hasn’t heard that Vidal Sassoon went out of style with Members Only jackets.

That said, Rachel thinks their perfectly professional rejection email was hurtful and uncalled for. She admits that after she read it, she curled up on the floor and bawled her eyes out.

When producers decided to skew younger this year, little did they realize it only accomplished one thing: everyone over 14 feels more mature than boo-boo kitty, Rachel.

Rachel reports it’s lonely in LA when you don’t have a comforting circle of friends, as Whitney and Alyssa sit four feet away. Rachel wants Whitney to stop having a life and just take care of her. Yeah? Well I want Olivia Wilde to come over and wash my car in slow-motion.

Leaving Alyssa to take the first shift on Rachel’s suicide watch, the Whitinator goes out for the evening with her protégé. Good god, they’re multiplying.

In actual sad news, Cori got her period. No baby this month. And because Kacy is the best girlfriend on the face of the earth, she whips out two cigarettes for Cori. See that, person we won’t mention but whose name rhymes with Blajdah? Thoughtful, without any agenda. Learn it. Live it. Know it.

Francine has decided her crew needs a night off from the drama and invites everyone over for a Claire-free get-together. She then makes everyone sit through a Power Point presentation. Does this Asian know how to throw a party or what?

After giving everyone a calculus test and advice on how to get into UC Berkeley, she tricks them into doing her yard work. Genius!

Sajdah is there with Chanel. While Sajdah whoops it up about hoes, Chanel sits outside the circle of conversation, texting. Yeah, it’s rude, but she doesn’t know anyone and doesn’t bother to try.

Sajdah gets annoyed and follows Chanel into the bathroom, passive-aggressively offering her the car keys.

Out in the kitchen, Romi advises Sajdah to let Chanel be herself and come along in her own time, but instead, Sajdah decides it’s time to leave. She finds Chanel sitting in the car, on her phone with someone. Someone like the match.com complaint department.

Sajdah asks if Chanel is ready to go.

Chanel: Do I have a choice?

Sajdah: [scoffs] Nah, you don’t. You’re right. You’re right. You don’t have a choice.

Chanel: [laughs into her phone]

Sajdah: That’s funny? What the f-ck? What’s going on? Why you doing this?

Chanel: [more laughter] I’m on the phone! Stop!

Sajdah: You can’t call him back?

Chanel: No.

Sajdah: Why you can’t call him back?

Chanel: Because I’m in the middle of a conversation that you interrupted.

Sajdah screams, “Get the f-ck off the phone!” Chanel might as well hang up because you can’t a get a refund from match anyway.

Sajdah faults Chanel for their problems with the following logic: Chanel doesn’t appreciate how stupid she is when it comes to relationships. Chanel doesn’t understand how hard it is for her to be vulnerable. And Chanel doesn’t listen.

Sajdah yells at Chanel, “I don’t got time for this sh-t. You stupid as sh-t!!

What Sajdah lacks in experience, she makes up for with her gift for words.

Later at home, Sajdah finally realizes just how different she and Chanel are. Sajdah wants to marry the first woman she dates, and Chanel wants to ride that relationship turtle until the show goes off the air.

Sajdah likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Chanel likes talking on the phone with guys and not being molested against a coin-operated dryer.

Sajdah insists she is not going to change (because she’s such a catch) and screams, “I quit! I quit! I quit!”

She then disappears into her bedroom to burn the journal only she’s been writing in, leaving Chanel standing alone with her coat on.

Chanel now believes she was stupid to think whatever it was she was thinking. She drives away from Sajdah’s place, tires squealing. Eh. This total showmance was doomed from the start. But let’s blame Claire anyway.

Next week: Whitney and Alyssa present Corcy with The Inseminator. Francine decides to come out to her mother. Sajdah’s mom comes to LA to see for herself if this is just another one of her daughter’s phases. Kelsey chooses Stoli over Romi. And Rachel decides she doesn’t want to live anymore. Wait. What? Should we call someone?

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