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“Exes & Ohs” recap 203: “The Big ‘O'”

Previously: Jen tried to play the field but decided she just wants to play catch with Gillian. Kris started to feel like odd girl out when her mother made Chris her new BFF. And Sam’s new boss, Barry, gave her an ultimatum: get onboard or be left at the station. Broke as she is, Sam had no choice but to don a conductor’s cap.

When we catch up to our nerdy, nervous heroine, Jen is letting her freak flag fly with Gillian. They’re using Jen’s video camera to tape themselves in bed, making sexy time. They’re also doing things I’ve never seen before, and I’ve seen it all.

I don’t think the library is going to be able to lend those books out anymore.

After they’ve recorded themselves having sex and, I dunno, juggling? Jen and Gillian review the footage and conclude, yes! They are two hot mamas. The only thing left to decide is which one of them is Heidi Klum. Which, logically, makes the other one Seal. Gillian must be Heidi Klum, because when I think of Jen, the first words that come to mind are, “handsome, sexy-voiced black man.”

Later at the bar, the gang is enjoying Barry’s new Friday night for the gay boys, even though Barry moved lesbian night to Thursdays. The girls have shown up anyway, out of a sheer refusal to comply. Ain’t that the way with lesbians. You can try and turn a lesbian bar straight, but we’ll still show up. And run the pool table.

Jen wants to interview some guys for her documentary. Kris and Chris are out with Kris’s mother in tow, and Elizabeth is there to see Sam, who’s been so busy working two jobs, they haven’t had any quality time. Straight from her other job at Bunz, Sam is still wearing her hot dog uniform.

When Elizabeth grabs at Sam’s sweater, saying her shirt is too cute to cover up, Sam slaps her hand away. She doesn’t think anyone needs to see her Bunz, although many women would beg to differ.

Jen trots off to the ladies, taking her video camera with her. What? She doesn’t trust her closest friends? Well, Kris’s mom Sheila does look awful shady. Just look at her sitting there, nefariously knitting.

When Jen returns from the loo, Kris asks, “Don’t you need your camera?” Oops. Jen rushes back to the bathroom but it’s too late. The camera is gone! Sam assures her it’ll be OK, assuming her equipment’s insured, but Jen suddenly realizes she has much bigger problems — her crazy-ass sex tape was in the camera. Great. Now someone is going to find out about Jen’s weird umbrella fetish.

Jen enlists Devin’s help in getting her camera back. Somehow, the new girl seems to get sh-t done. After negotiating a finder’s fee, Devin goes about contacting her network of spies from the craigslist underground or whatever it is she does.

Later at home, Kris thinks Chris has been working too hard and as a reward, gives her a home beer brewing kit. Really? I didn’t know “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” included yeast and a fermenting bucket. And is now really the time to be spending money on a still? What next? Tax-free cigarettes from Russia?

After Kris wanders off to shop for guns on the internet, Sheila quietly tells Chris, “But if you really need to relax…” and motions with her eyes to come outside with her. She has something to show her.

Hey, that’s not basil.

Sam and Elizabeth are in bed. Elizabeth tries to grope Sam’s boobies, but Sam is too busy worrying about her financial future and consulting a Rand-McNally road map to locate other gay bars that compete with hers. Where do I get a map like that?

Elizabeth is one tenacious, frisky mo-fo, so Sam finally gives in, even though her mind is on money woes and not breathy oh’s. Elizabeth is down under, doing what she can, but to no avail. She crawls her way back up from under the sheets, wondering what’s wrong.

Elizabeth: Everything OK?

Sam: Yeah. It just happens sometimes, ya know? It’s not you. I’ll make it up to you.

Elizabeth: You better.

Sam looks terrified.

Maybe if she paid Sam to have sex — two birds, one stone… What am I saying?

Elsewhere, Gillian is giving Jen some good news: She’s snagged a guest lecture gig for Jen at her school, so she can talk to a film class about editing. Yay? Who wouldn’t want to spend hours preparing a lecture for free, to present to entitled film students who think they already know everything?

Jen is grateful, but wonders how much more considerate Gillian’s going to be once she tells her their sex tape is online, being ogled and passed around like Kim Kardashian’s butt shots.

Later at the Beever, Sam confides in the girls that she’s experiencing a dry spell, so to speak. Everyone is shocked, especially Jen, because she’s Sam’s ex. And they had their problems, but sex was never one of them. Sam says exasperatedly, “I never can’t…” Jen jumps in with, “I know!” and can’t help but seem just a teeny bit proud of herself.

It ain’t bragging if it’s true.

Chris leans in conspiratorially and tells them Sheila has something that’ll help everyone chillax. The next thing you know, Chris, Jen, Sam and Sheila are scarfing pot brownies and giggling like loons. Kris comes home from a hard day of neutering puppies and wonders what’s so funny about pizza.

Kris is starting to get a complex.

Back at the Beev, Devin gives Sam some dubious advice. She tells her to start faking orgasms and gives Sam and Jen a demonstration.

Devin: Start with an ooohh…

Jen: No… I could… never…

Devin: OHHHhhhh!

Jen: Shhh!

Devin: Who cares?

Jen tries one on for size but she sounds like someone is strangling a sick emu. Devin and Sam stare in horror at this:

Hard to believe women aren’t lining up for a piece of this action.

Jen gives up and declares this the “Faking It” Rule. “Even if you think you can, don’t. Not with another woman. She’ll either know or she’ll find out. And either way, you’ll be completely screwed.” Yeah, let’s not do that again. Ever.

The next time Sam is in bed with Elizabeth, she tries to tell her how unsexy being a broke-ass girl can be, but can’t bring herself to ‘fess up. Instead, Sam takes Devin’s advice and fakes one. Does Elizabeth know? Did it work?

I vote no.

The next day, Jen goes to the Beever and gets great news. Devin has managed to recover her video camera, with the sex tape still inside it. Hooray! It’s good to know high people in low places. Or low people in high places. Whatever. Then, Devin delivers the bad news. Someone put her sex tape on the internet. But it’s OK because only “a couple thousand” people have viewed it. Oh, if were only that easy to get hits on the internet.

After stalling as long as she can, Jen decides to tell Gillian the truth because it’s only a matter of time before #umbrelladance is trending on Twitter.

Gillian is pissed, not because her naked body has gone viral, but because Jen kept it a secret for so long. “Hell, if you’d have said you wanted to use our tape in your presentation, I would probably have helped you create something artistic out of it,” Gillian says, “You just should’ve told me. Not cool.”

Also not cool? Un-ironic cardigans.

Even with Gillian mad at her, Jen has no choice but to show up at the school and present her lecture. She gets a “Hey! Heidi!” heckle from the back of the room, but soldiers on. Doing the smartest thing she can, given the situation, she acknowledges the naked elephants in the room.

“C’mon, it was raw footage, but I still think we looked pretty hot,” she says, winning the room over, save Gillian, who sits in the back, not smiling, and still not cool.

Tonight, it’s all about diffusing the sitch with honesty, and that’s just what Chris and Kris are doing. Sitting in their kitchen, Chris gives Kris a cute little coupon book with fun things they can do together, so no one feels left out, ever again. Alone time is together time from now on.

I made one of those once. Hey, here it is. OK, look at this one. This one is good for one free neck massage. I usually charge for that but it’s all about giving, right? That’s a thirty-five dollar value, right there. This one says I promise to go on a five-mile run with my girlfriend. Wha? How the hell did that get in there?

The best coupon in Chris’s book is one that sends Sheila to the movies, where hopefully, she gets lost in the bazillionplex, indefinitely.

Meanwhile, Sam is confessing to Elizabeth that she’s much poorer than she ever let on before.And that is why she couldn’t ring the bell, so to speak.

Sam: So not sexy.

Elizabeth: So that’s what that “faking it” was about the other night.

Sam: You knew?

Elizabeth: Honey, it’s my business to know.

Omg, dating a therapist must suck out loud.

Elizabeth adds, “I was just afraid that you were getting bored with me. I mean, you’re used to more variety.” Is “variety” code for something? Did she just call Sam slutty?

Those are some amazing pajamas.

Back at the lecture, Jen proves she’s too cool for school and shows the students how with some creative editing, one can take almost anything and turn it into The Real L Word anything you want it to be.

Finally, Gillian is moved and forgives Jen. She tells her with a smile that she found the lecture beautiful, funny, sweet and artistic. Somehow, I don’t think she’s talking about the lecture anymore. Get a room, you two.

Next Week: Just when things between Jen and Gillian are heating up, Jen remembers Gillian is still gay married. Sam starts a wet-t-shirt contest to get promoted, but Elizabeth doesn’t dig it one bit. And Sheila has some parting words with Chris and Kris about their sex life.

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