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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 206

Previously: Whitney hooked up with Rachel because she’s all about giving to the needy. Sajdah was still waiting to know what sex is like. When Kelsey tried to emulate Romi’s sobriety, Drew got all up in their bidness. Cori quit smoking, while Francine quit Claire by throwing her clothes on the front lawn. Gee, Claire makes friends wherever she goes.

After a year of talking and planning and talking some more, the big day is fast approaching for Corcy. They have sperm on ice, Cori has quit smoking, and Kacy is getting so pukey with nerves, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. As they wait to see if her pee test is positive for ovulation, Cori realizes, “It’s going to be so gross knowing there’s sperm up there. Is it going to, like, ooze out? Ughhh.”

Yuck. We’re not down with that kind of wet spot. And how should we know these things? Someone should put that in a pamphlet.

The mystery of where sperm goes won’t be solved today, because there is no smiley face on the pee stick; she’s not ovulating yet. Kacy cries out with relief slash disappointment.

Over at Romi’s, her mother stops by to give her a photo album containing pictures of her dad. It’s four years to the day that he died of cancer, and Romi is finally ready to look at the photos. The trip down memory lane reveals many things. Apparently, her dad wanted her to stop drinking, so that’s been going on for a while. And Romi was once married to a man.

And cut her own bangs.

But Romi married before she realized she was gay, just like her gay mother before her. Yup, it’s genetic. What do these two tell people who see their wedding albums? “Oh yeah, I had the lead in Tony and Tina’s Wedding.”

Elsewhere, Sajdah is doing everything she can think of, short of painting Chanel’s house, in the hopes of finally getting laid. She makes her a giant breakfast, complete with fresh squeezed juice and heart-shaped waffles. She writes Chanel a special 30-day anniversary entry in their journal. You remember the journal, don’t you? The one Sajdah gave Chanel, but only Sajdah writes in?

Chanel reads Sajdah’s latest heartfelt Message of Love aloud: “…You mean so much to me. I hope you feel the love I have for you at every single moment.”

Chanel: Thank you. I appreciate you.

Sajdah: We’re so gay if we celebrate a month.

Chanel: I don’t care.

Sajdah: Isn’t it gay?

Chanel: I don’t care! More presents!

“I appreciate you”? Oh Sajdah, honey. No. Just because you drive past a parked car facing the other way, doesn’t mean you’re on a two-way street.

Claire pulls up to Francine’s house and finds her stuff carelessly thrown outside on the porch. Francine’s new squeeze, Khristianne, has a weird Igor-like assistant named Scotty whose one job seem to be sitting outside the house, guarding it while smoking cigarettes and looking homeless.

When Claire sees her designer fashions sitting in a heap like yesterday’s garbage, she goes ballistic. Scotty drones, “I’m partially to blame for that,” and offers to get her a plastic bag before he nods off.

Claire: I’m the loser? I’m the fake person? Nine years, and you throw my s–t out on the curb over nothing? You’re the f–king loser, dude. You’re a sack of s–t.

Claire has a nasty temper. In fact, she’s so busy ranting that she would never do this to Francine (somehow, I actually believe her), she doesn’t even care about her nipple slip.

Anyone else feel a draft?

Since Sara is busy grinding at bachelor parties, and Rachel is in a K-hole somewhere, Whitney is redirecting her energy away from lady holes and towards dude poles, but only to help Cori and Kacy make a baby. Using their knowledge of special effects materials and prosthetics, she and Alyssa decide to create the first-ever dildo that can shoot sperm.

Whitney calls her brother from another mother, a guy named Ceas, to ask if they can use his legendary wang to make a mold. He’s happy to help because they’re good friends, and who wouldn’t want to immortalize their natural endowments in silicon? You can’t make this s–t up.

Meanwhile, Romi is waiting for her ride to Las Vegas, where she’s going to work a clothing trade show for her new boss, Don. Romi hopes this new gig will propel her career and maybe even — fingers crossed! — help feather earring sales. She’s asked Rachel to join her because god forbid we go anywhere alone.

Romi and Rachel sit on the stoop, New York-style, and talk about chicks and stuff. We learn they made out once, in a bar, a long time ago. In LA, lesbians really do randomly make out with each other all the time. If one person gets the herp, everyone gets the herp.

Also, Romi confides in Rachel that it’s kind of a turn-off having to take care of big, mopey Kelsey. Rachel observes, “You’re the proud parent of a 23-year-old right now.” And lastly, Rachel admits she and Whitney finger-banged in the bathroom at the pool party, and shows her the size of Whitney’s balls, as Romi laughs, knowingly.

And now, we re-join Sajdah’s Day of Giving, already in progress. After taking Chanel to a ranch for a fun horseback ride, (undulating beast between the legs! Subtle!) Sajdah gives her lady diva a full body massage, complete with butt rub. Wholly unimpressed, Chanel laughs, “It was not the best massage, but she definitely had some motives behind it.”

Coming up later: To earn more sex credtis, Sajdah details Chanel’s car and gives her a kidney.

While Corcy goes another day without ovulating, Romi tries to figure out how to avoid running into Drew, who’s also in Vegas for the trade show. She’s still mad at him for insinuating himself into Kelsey’s attempt at sobriety, even though he’s the one she turned to when she stopped drinking. Romi wants Drew close, but not too close. Available, but not around so much. Loving and supportive, but not in a creepy no-other-friends-having way. And she really doesn’t want to talk to him right now. Got it?

To avoid detection, Romi disguises herself as Johnny Weir.

While Rachel gets relegated to a remote floor to babysit a line of backpacks, Romi is on the main show floor, where she crumbles and texts Drew. After deciding not to rehash what happened, Drew makes up with Romi. Considering he’s about 10 years older than she is, and presumably more mature, it’s the least her “machismo Mexican bad boy” can do. They hug it out while Rachel sits alone upstairs, wondering if everyone’s forgotten about her. Again.

Back in LA, Whitney gets an email from Claire, asking if she’ll lend her famous dreads to a totally awesomesauce photo shoot for dirtyboudoir. Whitney is a little surprised, considering it was mere days ago that Claire and Whitney’s ladybutch friend had that huge screaming match at the club. Please. Having a long-term memory serves no purpose here. Everyone is your friend, espesh if you can do something for them, or they, you. I call it Aspirational Alzheimer’s.

Whitney puts Claire aside for now, because she has bigger dicks to contend with: She’s worried that Ceas won’t be able to stay hard while they make a mold of his weenie. Alyssa wonders if he should get his hands on some Viagra. How’d you get so smart, blondie?

If only the other blond, Claire, was as together as Alyssa. After picking the leaves out of clothes and hanging them up properly, she calls Vivian to tell her what a bitch Francine is. Vivian calls Francine “very irrational.” What an Asian.

Claire wants Vivian to come for a visit and dangles the dirty bood photo shoot as bait. Vivian is a stylist, so that makes sense, but it’s obvs that Claire just wants to be around one person who doesn’t hate her guts right now. If Vivian can put lipstick on this pig, then by all means, come on out.

Meanwhile, Sajdah is so giddy with post-coital bliss, she says she feels like a “bowl of sugar” and does Chanel’s hair. The Power of the Clam makes Sajdah one hard-working mofo. Seriously. Get the Turtle Wax.

Sajdah’s mother calls and what ensues can only be described as inspired.

Mom: Why you couldn’t be a lipstick lesbian instead of a soft stud?

Sajdah: Who taught you those words?

Mom: Why’d you have to be the boy? That’s what they taught me at work. When I showed them your picture, these girls that I knew that was gay… they said, “That’s a soft stud.” And I was like, “What?”

Sajdah: Chanel, am I a soft stud?

Chanel: You’re not a soft stud.

Mom: Chanel, are you a lipstick lesbian? If I may ask?

Chanel: I thought I was a soft stud.

Mom: You don’t sound like no soft stud, honey.

Sajdah: The only thing even remotely stud about her is she’s a Top.

Mom: She’s a what?

Sajdah’s mother needs to be on this show, stat. And Chanel think she’s a soft stud? Mm, ‘kay. She’s even more clueless than her personal valet, Sajdah.

After Sajdah explains Tops and Bottoms, her mother replies, “I ain’t on the bottom of nothing, You ain’t pulling my hair out. No, I ain’t on the bottom of nothing.”

Now comes the lesson on scissoring. Sajdah says it’s clit on clit, but mom doesn’t get it. “How you do clit to clit, Toffee?” Toffee tries to show her mom. She’s on a regular phone, genius.

I’m pretty sure this is why Skyping was invented.

Romi is trying to network the room at an evening event in Vegas when Kelsey calls from home with some bad news: Hand aufs Herz has been canceled. Also, she’s been fired. Uh oh. What’s going to happen? To Jenny and Emma, I mean.

The other news is very bad for Romi, ’cause she’s already paying all the bills. Kelsey’s dust pile doesn’t go much farther than covering her bar tab. Kelsey feels worthless and shamed and just awful. Aww. It sucks to get fired.

From the look on her face, Romi doesn’t want to either.

Actually, Romi would, if she could. But she can’t. Instead, she wants to know, “Why you can’t keep a job?” Um, have you met her?

This is the second time Kelsey’s been fired, and those are the ones Romi knows about. Sad. Buck up, little buckaroo. There are plenty of jobs out there for someone like you. Why, you could be a mannequin. Or a robot. Or the GOP’s presidential nominee.

In other bad news: Cori still hasn’t ovulated, and Cori admits she doesn’t want Kacy to inject the sperm. She wants her partner up in her face when the moment comes, looking into her eyes, holding her hand, and reminding her to squeezie those Kegels exercises to keep the stuff from oozing out. They decide they should go see the doctor and find out where her eggs are. Kacy stalls by cleaning the house for five minutes, and then they get in the car and head over.

At the doctor’s office, everything looks OK, so Cori gets the first of her three vials injected into her hoo-ha. Cori can’t believe the day has finally come. She cries tears of real joy as Kacy gives her a kiss.

We’re here, we’re queer, we’re doing this!

Briefly, Claire calls her sister. All of Claire’s scenes involve her being on the phone. Why? Because no one want to be in the same room with her. She reports that her family thinks she’s spoiled and gets away with blue murder. Duh. Just look at this entitled little twerp.

Claire’s sister tells her it’s going to be hard to do better than Vivian; not many will put up with her bullcrap. She promptly pretends there’s someone at the door and hangs up. Riveting television. Coming up next: Claire orders a pizza.

Ceas has arrived for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: dong mold magic. Ceas does a shot and brings his girlfriend-fluffer into Alyssa’s bedroom to get it up. Meanwhile, Alyssa and Whitney host their new Food Network cooking show, “Ace of C-cks.”

Coming home from Vegas, Romi rides with Drew, leaving Rachel to drive the four hours back to LA with total stranger, Don. No wonder Rachel has no self-esteem. In the car, Drew gives Romi a reality check: People lose their jobs. You take your hits, and you move on.

Romi wonders if taking care of Kelsey is preventing her vest-loving houseplant from growing up. She’s not good at being harsh. Romi’s idea of tough love is a spanking and some aggressive nipple play.

When she gets home, Romi finds Kelsey moping around the apartment, too despondent to even take out the garbage. As Kelsey picks paint off their dresser, Romi tries to comfort her catatonic girlfriend.

Romi: Did you call your mom?

Kelsey: [quietly] No.

Romi: Why? You need to talk to your mom. You need to, like, let her know what’s going on. She gives you good advice. Are you embarrassed?

Kelsey: [barely audible] Kind of.

Romi is adamant this is not a problem she should have to fix, even though Kelsey is in her sweats, drooling and rocking in the corner. It’s like Glory stole her girlfriend’s mind. Too bad Romi isn’t a witch.

Back at the Food Network, the soufflĂ© is taking longer than expected to rise. Alyssa bails to have a date with her fiancĂ©e, leaving Whitney to handle dick duty. When making a dick mold, as in life, timing is everything. And Ceas’ wee-wee is shy and still refusing to cooperate. He runs back and forth from the kitchen four times before he finally thinks he’s ready.

After it’s all over, Ceas wipes off and throws the towel at Whitney’s head. She shrieks, “Ewwkg! No! Something flew in my mouth!” That’s what she said.

You have to admit, you really don’t see that every day. Maybe this is what Ilene meant when she said the show would be “groundbreaking.”

Anticlimactically, we cut back to Corcy, who are getting ready for their second round of insemination. As they pull into the medical office parking lot, the doctor calls to report their sperm thawed out unexpectedly, and is unusable. As Kacy sits quietly, bracing for the worst, Cori breaks down in hysterics, even though the doctor reminds her she has another vial and besides, it only takes one swimmer.

Cori is inconsolable (Is that all it takes? Just wait until you have an actual baby.) because that was their second to last vial, and as you know, there is no other sperm to be found, anywhere on earth. None! Except, maybe, on this towel.

Next Week: Kelsey decides drinking goes well with unemployment, making Romi wonder if she goes well with Kelsey. Cory swears she’s pregnant. Sajdah demands more than a crumb, annoying Chanel. And Claire’s rage texts come back to haunt her.

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