Previously: Cori up chucked a Cookie and some Coco during her last blowout as a free woman. Romi examined her life through sober eyes and saw how pointless it’s been. Claire turned down an internship because, hello? She’s Claire. Whitney caught Sara lying to her face, finally vindicating Alyssa, Rachel and half of Los Angeles. And Sajdah stupidly did too much, too soon for Chanel.
It’s another gorgeous day in LA, where “umbrella” is usually prefaced by “beach,” and the only cold front for 50 miles is the one Claire hits whenever she goes to a pitch meeting.
After finally realizing that Sara tells the truth about as often as she showers, Whitney says she’s done flip-flopping, and she means it this time. No, really. Instead, she tries on another kind of flip-flop and goes to a pool party where 20-something lesbians are milling around, holding drinks and talking, occasionally sweeping their bangs out of their eyes. I thought I saw Scarlett but who knows – it’s a blur of tattoos, sunglasses, bikini tops and hats. Trendy lesbians are indistinguishable from one another when standing around in groups. Like zebras.
Whitney sits poolside, holding court. She tells a story about double dating at the prom, only to hook-up with the other girl, leaving her boyfriend and his best friend scratching their heads and holding their d–ks. This intrigues a fetus name Mel, who’s so ridiculously young, she doesn’t know if she’s gay, straight, bi or just very susceptible to Lady Gaga lyrics.
In fashion news, the Solid Gold Dancers called. One of their headbands is missing.
Cori and Kacy are consulting with an ob-gyn about how to get their bun in her oven as effectively as possible. With a limited amount or sperm, Kacy’s original idea to do it the “old fashion way” sounds wasteful, indulgent and just plain weird. The nice doctor offers to let Kacy inject the syringe, thereby including her in the process, and eliminating the need to schlep to Home Depot for tubing.
More importantly, the doctor tells Cori she has to stop smoking. Cori admits, “I’m really scared because I love smoking… I thought ‘Baby time. No more cigarettes!’ But no. It’s stressful and I want to smoke.”
Someone please buy Kacy a catcher’s mask and a tranquilizer gun. It’s going to get ugly.
Later that night, Romi goes alone to visit her friend Drew, a man who looks like dad, talks like an AA sponsor, and implies she’s welcome to stay over like a lonely creep. While Kelsey catatonically shuffles down Santa Monica Boulevard, offering to make change for random strangers, Romi is lamenting to Drew how hard it is to be a non-drinker living with a girl who drinks Two Buck Chuck straight out of the bottle.
Meanwhile, the never-ending pool party is now in Phase II. Alyssa and Rachel show up. The sun has gone down and the hot tubbing has begun. And just look at the color of that water. Hair product, Tattoo Goo and Chlamydia: 1. Chlorine: 0.
Rachel is looking fine in her stripper heels and not nodding off, for once. She notices Whitney and Mel are flirting, but says with a wink, “You can’t send a girl in to do what a lady can do.” There’s a lady on this show? Where?