Hey, it’s a three-day weekend coming up for us Yanks. The United States of America will be busy celebrating its birthday with backyard barbecues and illegal fireworks displays. But for those of us who prefer to keep our thumbs this weekend, there’s plenty of indoor fun to be had. It’s called television.
TVLine.com has created a handy guide of every single Independence Day weekend TV marathon tempting us to our couches. But that’s just too many choices. So we’ve broken it down even further to the gayest TV marathons to watch over the Fourth of July holiday. God bless television, I mean America.
Star Trek: The Next Generation (BBC America, 8 am – Saturday, 7 am) Enjoy 23 hours of pure, unadulterated sci-fi geekery. Plus there were some gender-switching aliens who made things interesting along the way.
Warehouse 13 (Syfy, 8 am – 8 pm) Let the H.G. Wells and Agent Myka Bering shipping go into full throttle. Since only “many” of Helena’s lovers were men, we don’t even have to pretend it could happen. Get your flirt on, ladies.
SATURDAY, JULY 2
Bond Marathon (Sleuth, 6 am – Tuesday, 5:30 am) Nothing gay about Bond, but he is British and sometimes that gets confusing. But you will learn how to wear a tuxedo with swagger and order a martini like a pro. Just don’t treat your ladies like he does and we’ll be OK.
Battlestar Galactica (BBC America, 7 am – 9 pm). Katee Sackhoff. Grace Park. Tricia Helfer. Lucy Lawless. Mary McDonnell. Need I say more?
Frasier (Hallmark Channel, 11 am – Sunday, 1 am) How were Frasier and Niles not gay men? How?
The Voice (E!, noon – 8 pm) Missed the final few episodes of the singing competition that featured lesbian contestants and finalists Vicci Martinez and Beverly McClellan or just want to relive the magic? Well now you can sing along to your heart’s content.
SUNDAY, JULY 3
America’s Next Top Model: Cycle Six (Oxygen, 8 am – 7 pm) This season featured bisexual model Leslie Mancia, and a whole bunch of other pretty models. Not that that sort of thing would interests you, or anything.
Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime, 10 am – 11 pm) Catch the entire second season and the first two new episodes of season 3 of the fun series that features funny lady Margaret Cho and has featured an appearance by out comic Wanda Sykes.
Arrested Development (IFC, 11:45 am – 3:15 pm) See Portia de Rossi, before she was Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres.
Law & Order: SVU (USA Network, 2 pm – 11 pm) With any luck, they’ll play the Mariska Hargitay and Stephanie March episodes. Olivia and Alex, forever.
MONDAY, JULY 4
Roseanne (Oxygen, 6 am – 6 pm) Remember the episode where Mariel Hemingway kissed Roseanne Barr in a lesbian bar? I don’t know if they’ll air that one, but they should.
Paula’s Home Cooking and Paula’s Best Dishes (Food Network, 10 am – 4 pm) Again, nothing truly gay here, but it’s heaven for closet butter lover. Be loud and proud, butterbians!
Law & Order (TNT, noon – 10 pm) Don’t miss the parade of hot ADAs on this show from Jill Hennessy to Carey Lowell, Angie Harmon, Elisabeth Röhm, Annie Parisse and Alana de la Garza. Röhm’s ADA Serena Southerlyn also happened to be a lesbian, but don’t worry that’s totally not why she got fired.
The Golden Girls (Hallmark Channel, 3 pm – Tuesday, 2 am) You know you love these saucy broads. Remember the episode where Rose got hit on by a lesbian. I think that was TV’s first official “Lebanese” joke.
My So-Called Life (Sundance, 6 pm – midnight) This show is so beautiful, it almost hurts to look at it.
So fire up your DVR this weekend and put on you favorite star-spangled lounging around the pants on. Happy Fourth of July, TV watchers.