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“Exes & Ohs” recap 201: “Fish in a Barrel”

Welcome back, kids! It’s been a long time a’ coming, but here we are, back in Seattle, with the ladies of Exes & Ohs. To freshen up that questionable memory of yours:

Jennifer – Still smart, still sincere and still single, Jennifer is a filmmaker who used to make documentaries about birds but has turned her attention to the mating habits of lesbians, while looking for the elusive One. Jen ended up in bed with her ex, Sienna, but she’s not sure how that happened.

Sam – She knows a thing or two about exes (surprise! Jen is one,) and oh’s (Seattle’s Best ain’t just a coffee,) but money, not so much. Now, she’s upside down on her mortgage, and inside out over Elizabeth, a woman she doesn’t want to cheat on. Well, that’s new.

Kris – Happy, softhearted and passionate about animals, Kris found her soul mate in Chris. Her parents are hippies and it shows. With Chris, she owns a doggie supply business and enjoys taking in strays. Life is great, but missing one thing: the joy of dirty diapers.

Chris – The brains of the outfit, Chris has mind for business and gets s–t done. Head over heels in love with Kris, she will do whatever it takes to make her honey happy, even if it means riding the crazy train once in a while.

And then there’s Devin, a newbie who works at the girls’ hang out, the Beever Café. All we know right now is that she’s hot, friendly, and makes a mean cappuccino while wearing a beaver on her chest. Where do I sign up?

When we catch up with Jen, she’s troubled. She’s having a nightmare to end all nightmares: Her exes are making out with each other. In front of her. That’s what you get for eating nachos after 11PM.

As you can imagine, Jen needs a drink or five, so she goes to the bar where her best friend, Sam works. Sam has been with half the women in town, so she knows a thing or two about exes. It’s soon clear that Jen’s being stalked in her dreams. “Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a parade of all my dating fiascos,” she says. Or Sam likes to call it, the Seattle Pride parade.

This brings up the first Rule of this season: Just because you break up with someone, doesn’t mean she’s gone. This is 200% true. Even if an ex is forced into the Witness Protection Program, she will find a way to send you a passive-aggressive birthday card.

Sam has different problems. She can’t afford her condo. “Where do banks get off loaning people money who ask for it?” she demands to know.

And where do you get off being adorable?

Over at the Beever, we meet Devin, the new manager. She sees Sam looking at the Classifieds and offers her a job at the café, but Sam hasn’t gotten desperate enough to wipe down tables, or intern for Power Up.

Sam’s current situation, Elizabeth, swings by for her morning cup of jitters and sees the newspaper on the table. Women don’t need to be all up in Sam’s bidness, so she tells Elizabeth that poor Jen is looking for a job. That’s it. Thrown her under the bus. The one you’ll be riding soon.

After Elizabeth goes inside, Jen leans in and says she doesn’t understand how Sam can give her body to Elizabeth, but not her bank statement. Oh Jen. Sweet, naïve Jen. In the lesbian dating world, intimacy means knowing her last name. Sam thinks Jen should stop worrying about her version of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and concentrate on herself. She tells Jen she needs a Bridge Girl: the girl between real relationships. Sometimes called the Rebound. Not Ms. Right, but Ms. Right Now.

Just then, Chris screams for Kris. Everyone runs into the ladies room of the café and finds Chris holding a pregnancy test stick. Something wrong with the bathroom at home?

Guess who’s gonna have two mommies.

Later that night, Jen goes looking for a Bridge Girl to jump off of, and tries lesbian speed dating, which, let’s be honest, should really just be called “dating.”

Jen brings Sam along, because why suffer alone? As they assess the night’s offerings, Sam catches a brunette undressing her with her eyes. Jen gets a goofy wave from a woman in a cowgirl shirt, and then spills her fruity girl drink all over a woman’s white shirt. She nervously starts rubbing the woman’s chest with a napkin. In some states, that’s considered a felony.

Jen sits down and meets her first speed date. It’s cowgirl shirt, better known as Gillian. Gillian is a post-modern painter and art professor. She likes autumn, France and cowgirl shirts. After getting other game changers and deal breakers out of the way — jobs and hobbies, favorite color (Is this really a thing? What are we? Twelve?), dark or milk chocolate, school and travel — Gillian blurts out, “And, I’m kinda married.”

Hey, you wanted equality.

Gillian tells Jen although she’s still married, ya know, technically, to a woman in Massachusetts, they’re done. It’s over except for the divorce. It’s the best news Jen has gotten all week.

Jen: I’m not here looking for Ms. Right. Or a one-night stand, just to be clear.

Gillian: You’re looking for a Bridge Girl.

Jen: Why does everybody know Bridge Girl but me?

Gillian: Yeah, maybe that’s what I need, too. Someone just to make the transition.

Jen: Ya know, we could go out a few times. Nothing serious.

Gillian: Make out a few times. Nothing serious.

And then, never see each other again. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, Sam can’t be bothered with the “go out a few times” part of dating and soon finds out the brunette feels the same way. Sam discloses that she’s seeing someone. Unfazed, Brunette offers Sam one last fling before settling into her nest and waiting to die.

You don’t have to ask her twice. But then, something weird happens. Instead of showing Brunette that “front to back” is more than just a hygienic wiping technique, Sam pushes her away and suddenly says she has to go. Could it be that Bridge is not Sam’s game anymore?

Over at Kris and Chris’s house, Kris is sneaking off to call her mother because Chris didn’t want her to tell her family about the baby yet. Oh sure, taking a pregnancy test in a public bathroom in front of your friends and the café manager is fine, but telling your mom she’s about to become a grandmother is a crime against humanity.

Back at speed dating, Jen can’t stop looking at Gillian, but soldiers on, attempting small talk with Candi, the dour woman she spilled a drink on. Candi opens her mouth to speak and out comes a voice befitting a baritone with the Seattle Opera, “I’ve been going through a major transition.”

Jen: Oh! Oh, wow. Congratulations. That’s so amazing. I mean, it must have taken a lot for… I really admire… uh, are you all done now?

Candi: With this date? Yes.

Jen: No, with your transition. Are you all woman now?

Candi: I’m all single now. I was born a woman.

Jen: Oh.

Candi stomps off in a huff with Jen calling after her, “I’m not transphobic! I just thought you used to be a man!… Lots of women used to be men. Hey! Who here used to be a man?”

Anyone? Bueller?

While Jen attempts to fit her other foot in her mouth, Sam is at Elizabeth’s house. She wakes her up to ‘fess up about earlier that day. It was her newspaper, her want ads. She feels foolish because she can’t afford her mortgage right now. Elizabeth looks at Sam gently and softly says she doesn’t care about that stuff, as long as they share the part of themselves they’re afraid to show. Because she’s a therapist. And a raging lesbian.

After being banned for life from lesbian speed dating, Jen shows the gang some info on Gillian that she found the old fashion way: by stalking her on the internet. Look at Gillian’s paintings, you guys. Gillian invited me over, y’all. Gillian wants a Bridge Girl, too. Jen conveniently neglects to mention that wonderful Gillian is married. Eh. Full disclosure is over-rated.

But enough about that, Sam has some exciting news. She huddles everyone around and admits she might actual like having, what do you call those thing? Oh yeah, a girlfriend. Chris immediately warns Sam that relationships are the leading cause of bed death, while her longtime partner Kris wholeheartedly agrees. Way to sell monogamy, girls.

At home, Kris and Chris are working on a gajillion piece jigsaw puzzle and using their old vibrator to mix smoothies.

Jen has no such problems in her immediate future, so she goes to visit Gillian to pretend to look at her painting and talk about art, but really, she’s just there to make out with her face. Pointing to a white canvas with a black dot, Jen attempts to b.s. Gillian with some existential gibberish: “Now, this is amazing. With one black dot, you can just feel man’s isolation from his environment and how small we are in the context of the infinite universe and…”

The black dot moves, and then flies away. Hee. Jen starts babbling that way she does when she’s nervous, so Gillian shut her up by cover Jen’s mouth with her own. Suddenly, Gillian is showing Jen how to finger paint, grown-up-style.

If there’s one thing I look for in a lesbian dramedy, it’s gratuitous post-modern art.

Elsewhere, the others are staving off isolation from their environments in the context of the infinite universe by processing. Chris tells Kris she’s not ready to have her mother-in-law all up in their baby business yet.

Elizabeth and Sam cement the start of their real relationship over sushi and an agreement that what happens at lesbian speed dating, stays in lesbian speed dating.

Over at the Kris-Chris house, someone is leaning on the doorbell. Kris runs downstairs in a towel and robe, opens the front door and is immediately smothered in a happy hug by her mother.

You know what else causes bed death? Having your mother sleeping in the next room.

Next week: Jen’s plan to make Gillian her bridge girl backfires when she starts to have feelings for her. Sam finds a second job but it might not be enough. Chris and Kris tell their sperm donor he’s going to be a baby-daddy.

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