“Exes & Ohs” recap 201: “Fish in a Barrel”

Welcome back, kids! It’s been a long time a’ coming, but here we are, back in Seattle, with the ladies of Exes & Ohs. To freshen up that questionable memory of yours:

Jennifer  Still smart, still sincere and still single, Jennifer is a filmmaker who used to make documentaries about birds but has turned her attention to the mating habits of lesbians, while looking for the elusive One. Jen ended up in bed with her ex, Sienna, but she’s not sure how that happened.

Sam  She knows a thing or two about exes (surprise! Jen is one,) and oh’s (Seattle’s Best ain’t just a coffee,) but money, not so much. Now, she’s upside down on her mortgage, and inside out over Elizabeth, a woman she doesn’t want to cheat on. Well, that’s new.

Kris  Happy, softhearted and passionate about animals, Kris found her soul mate in Chris. Her parents are hippies and it shows. With Chris, she owns a doggie supply business and enjoys taking in strays. Life is great, but missing one thing: the joy of dirty diapers.

Chris  The brains of the outfit, Chris has mind for business and gets s–t done. Head over heels in love with Kris, she will do whatever it takes to make her honey happy, even if it means riding the crazy train once in a while.

And then there’s Devin, a newbie who works at the girls’ hang out, the Beever Café. All we know right now is that she’s hot, friendly, and makes a mean cappuccino while wearing a beaver on her chest. Where do I sign up?

When we catch up with Jen, she’s troubled. She’s having a nightmare to end all nightmares: Her exes are making out with each other. In front of her. That’s what you get for eating nachos after 11PM.

As you can imagine, Jen needs a drink or five, so she goes to the bar where her best friend, Sam works. Sam has been with half the women in town, so she knows a thing or two about exes. It’s soon clear that Jen’s being stalked in her dreams. “Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a parade of all my dating fiascos,” she says. Or Sam likes to call it, the Seattle Pride parade.

This brings up the first Rule of this season: Just because you break up with someone, doesn’t mean she’s gone. This is 200% true. Even if an ex is forced into the Witness Protection Program, she will find a way to send you a passive-aggressive birthday card.

Sam has different problems. She can’t afford her condo. “Where do banks get off loaning people money who ask for it?” she demands to know.

And where do you get off being adorable?

Over at the Beever, we meet Devin, the new manager. She sees Sam looking at the Classifieds and offers her a job at the café, but Sam hasn’t gotten desperate enough to wipe down tables, or intern for Power Up.

Sam’s current situation, Elizabeth, swings by for her morning cup of jitters and sees the newspaper on the table. Women don’t need to be all up in Sam’s bidness, so she tells Elizabeth that poor Jen is looking for a job. That’s it. Thrown her under the bus. The one you’ll be riding soon.

After Elizabeth goes inside, Jen leans in and says she doesn’t understand how Sam can give her body to Elizabeth, but not her bank statement. Oh Jen. Sweet, naïve Jen. In the lesbian dating world, intimacy means knowing her last name.
Sam thinks Jen should stop worrying about her version of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and concentrate on herself. She tells Jen she needs a Bridge Girl: the girl between real relationships. Sometimes called the Rebound. Not Ms. Right, but Ms. Right Now.

Just then, Chris screams for Kris. Everyone runs into the ladies room of the café and finds Chris holding a pregnancy test stick. Something wrong with the bathroom at home?

Guess who’s gonna have two mommies.

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